Success

To laugh often and love much;

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

To earn the approval of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty;

To find the best in others;

To give of one’s self;

To leave the world a bit better,

whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;

To have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation;

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived…This is to have succeeded.

I went to the Stansbury High School graduation today, where my nephews

Maveric and Aaron got their diplomas.

And my nephew Colton was there, too!!!

It was SUCH a GREAT day!!!

The principal quoted the above work by Emerson in his remarks,

and I LOVED it:)

Had a blast at the "afterparty" at Tara's house

These weekends with my sisters are good for my soul:)

Two Things...

Two things...

1. I saw him this morning and I

DIDN'T CRY!!!!!

Yay me:)

2. My son is a better blogger than I am!

zackattackary15.blogspot.com

That's all.

Happy Tuesday:)

63:47

So I told Momma Jeanie that I'm having a bad week and that's why I haven't been blogging much. People are expecting me to be strong and positive, and sometimes I'm just NOT very STRONG or very POSITIVE.

But I'm blogging anyway.

Everyone gives me advice on how to get through the bad days.

There's the married guy who thinks I would benefit greatly by meeting him for lunch.

Uh.. NO!!!!!

I'm not exactly Kate Beckinsale, but I still think it would hurt his wife if she found out he was having lunch with an old girlfriend.

Many people tell me I would benefit greatly from getting drunk.

I've never been drunk.

But what's the point in starting now?

I made it this far in life without it.

And raised some pretty dang good kids as a sober Mom.

Guess I'll keep being a teetotaler.

Lots and lots of people think I need to explore options other than my LDS faith.

That's a thought for another day. For now..... these are the solutions I've found to help me get through the bad days.

Ashli took me to get my first massage on Mothers' Day weekend.

AMAZING!

Pretty sure I'm hooked now.

And today I decided to take the 7 minute journey over to the Manti temple for a session.

Oh wow.

Just driving toward it, you can see the building from a few miles back....

and I KNEW I was headed in the right direction:)

The Boswells pulled into the parking lot behind me, but I didn't get a chance to talk to them.

Brother Slack was the first person I saw as I walked down the hall past the front desk.

Ah... everything felt right in the world in that moment.

The session was beautiful. Amazing.

I was in the right place.

In the celestial room, I cried.

A lot.

But I realized that in the end, my salvation is totally dependent on

ME alone.

I might or might not have an eternal companion.

But I did everything I could to make that happen.

And he has his own free agency.

It's time for me to just be a great Mom.

And live my life in a way that my kids can be proud of.

I haven't been much of a Mom lately.

I've been needy and emotional

And they've had to take care of me.

I'm ready to take care of them again.

In the celestial room, I opened the scriptures and they fell open to

D&C 63:47.

I loved this, because Tyler's football numbers have been 47 and 63 his whole life:)

The scripture reads:

"He that is faithful and endureth shall overcome the world."

Love it:)

Final Grades

I REALLY

wanted a

4.0

in my first semester back in college.

BUT, ALAS,

it was not to be.

The two classes which I thought were the easiest....

I got an A- in each of them.

Just goes to show you....

It's not always as easy as it seems.

So I ended up with a

3.83

which is pretty good for a woman of my advanced age and declining cognitive ability.

Not to mention the emotional

ROLLER COASTER I've been on in my life lately.

I started summer semester yesterday

And it's good that the

4.0

is COMPLETELY out of the question now,

because I am CERTAIN it is unattainable this semester.

AMERICAN CIVILIZATIONS

BIOLOGY

GEOGRAPHY

SOCIAL WORK

Really tough classes this summer:(

Now my cousin Melissa would have no trouble.

But me... I'm already lost in week one of the

IONIC, COVALENT, whatchamacallit of the

PROTONIC ELECTRON whatevers.

Ugh.

Don't Be Reckless With Other People's Hearts....

......Don't Put Up With People Who Are Reckless With Yours!

We cooled down to this song at Zumba last night.

Hard to choose a favorite line, but I chose this one.

"Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.

Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."

Happy Tuesday:)

I have ONE more final tonight then on to Summer Semester!

Bouncing Through the Stages

Being the dedicated student of Social Work that I am, I am currently studying for finals.

And that has included a review of the 5 stages of grief.

Which was developed to explain the process of dealing with death.

But can apply to many challenges we face in this life.

Like getting divorced when you're 42 years old.

The Bargaining stage was pathetic.

I cried and begged God to put my family back together.

He didn't do it.

I'm currently bouncing between Depression and Resignation (which our text called Acceptance. I like the term Acceptance better.)

Some days are still better than others.

And I cry MUCH less often than I used to.

I still wish God would put my family back together.

But I have accepted that 4/5 of us is NOT a majority.

And I'll completely move to Acceptance soon.

Really.

I will.

Private Blog

I'm getting comments on my blog from people I've absolutely never heard of, so I think I'm going to try going private for a while. If you want to be a reader, please get me your Email address either on facebook or in a blog comment and I'll send you an invite. Have a great week!!!

Tyler

*First, a disclaimer.... Zack, I didn't choose a picture without you in it on purpose. Ty just happens to look particularly dashing in this one.:)

I LOVE this young man.

A lot.

Handsome, smart, compassionate, athletic, honest....

The list goes on and on.

He's spent a lot of time taking care of me lately...

I'm SO glad that God knew I needed ONE more baby when I was crying on the bathroom floor in the trailer we rented from Kurt's parents, thinking we just couldn't afford more medical bills, and the timing wasn't right.

I absolutely CANNOT imagine my life without Tyler in it.

I'm so glad my Heavenly Father trusted me to be his Mom.

And I'm so excited to watch his senior year of Juab football!!!!

Can't wait:)

I love you, Fluff. You're amazing:)

I Won't Let Go

A few weeks ago, Ashli made this song her ringback tone. I like to call her just to hear it.

LOVE it:) I like to think she chose it just for me.

I have a pretty huge circle of people who stand by me.

My grandma is so cute. Not sure she'd want me to share the cute stuff she says to me, but she makes me smile.

She calls me Tina Rebecca and Ashli she calls Ashli Rebecca.

Whenever she talks to us.

We're truly loved by this lady.

Nice to be loved:)

Had a great day, btw!!!

'Night...

The Next Chapter....

So the financial situation is tough for all of us.

And it finally got to a point where something drastic had to happen.

Ashli and Mack offered to let me move in with them so I can save up some money.

The boys would stay in Nephi with their Dad while Tyler finishes up high school at Juab.

It was a heart wrenching decision.

I analyzed it from every angle.

Over and over again.

I consulted all of my trusted advisors.

And there was not one disssenting vote.

Everyone said I should take Ashli and Mack up on the offer.

That it was the absolute best thing for me financially and emotionally right now.

Mack sent me this picture in a text.

They had set up a bed for me in the spare bedroom.

With an Easter basket full of lotions, candy, a big fluffy towel...

I cried.

I knew I'd made the right decision.

The night before I moved out of Nephi, the boys and I spent hours just hanging out at my apartment. Zack brought Sweet Pea and played me lots of music. He kept saying

"You wanna hear a song I wrote?"

I fell for it every time. He'd play a gorgeous song, I'd be like "Wow, Zack. That's amazing." Til either he or Tyler finally cracked a smile and I knew it was just some popular song that I haven't heard on the radio. So he'd say "Sorry, Mom. No, really. I wrote this one." Then do it again. We had SO much fun:) A night I'll never forget!

I kept a stash of tootsie roll midgees over there by the computer.

But Tyler doesn't really eat junk food or drink pop.

Little Zack downed nearly the whole bag of tootsie rolls.

I'm super proud of how much I've downsized my stuff this past year.

Starting when we thought we had the house sold last Spring and we took literally 20 tons of stuff to the dump.

Then taking only what I really needed to the apartment in Nephi.

And now I've taken it down to one room and a corner of a storage unit.

It feels pretty good, actually. Freeing.

The grandfather clock my Dad made was the most important item in my move. It was the first thing we loaded because I wanted to make sure it would be safe for the 40-mile journey.

I LOVE this clock:)

Tyler took good care of it.

Mack brought the Cummins and a horse trailer over to Nephi to load up my stuff.

I don't think he's nearly as impressed with my downsizing as I am.

It seemed like a lot of stuff as they hauled it outside.

But I think I did pretty well. There was still room at the top of the trailer:)

I know I say this all the time.

But I have the most amazing kids in the world.

I already LOVE it here.

Ashli and Mack have made me feel so welcome and loved:)

NO MORE LAUNDRY-MAT:)

This is a little bit bittersweet for me, as I kind of got used to the whole thing.

It's great, though. To have a washer and dryer RIGHT HERE where we live. lol.

I had a washer just like this many years ago. I think Dixie gave it to us.

Those Kenmores last forever!!!

Hemi hung out with me today while I did some homework.

Love her:)

And if we walk through the backyard, we end up at the ball fields. Woohoo!

We watched Kritter play against Biggie and Makenzie tonight.

Super fun night:)

Life is good. Really.

Tuesday

I hate Tuesdays.

My Mom died on a Tuesday.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008 was the second worst day of my life.

My divorce was final last Tuesday.

I just found out today.

I hate Tuesdays.

I Lift Things Up and Put Them Down

For most of you, today is Monday. For me, it is Friday. I work in retail. We work weekends. I have worked the past 6 days in a row. I am tired. I realized that this is what I do for a living....

No, I don't look like this guy.

But this is what I do.

I climb up the ladder.

Get a box.

Climb down the ladder.

Put the box down.

Climb up the ladder.

Get a box.

Climb down the ladder.

Put the box down.

But you know what?

I LOVE my job.

I pretty much exercise ALL DAY LONG

and get paid for it:)

Between work and other valiant efforts, I've lost 27 pounds.

I still have a ways to go,

But atleast I'm headed in the right direction.

It was a LONG week though.

Emotionally and physically draining for me.

I'm exhausted.

I was planning to go camping tonight.

Sluff school tomorrow and stay in the mountains until Thursday.

It snowed yesterday.

Change of plans.

Not sure what the new plan is yet,

but I know I need to do SOMETHING to recharge over these next few days.

Believe...

So we've already established that I have the greatest kids ever.

But I also have the greatest friends ever:)When I got home from work, there was a card in the mail clear from Northern California.

Lisa the Liberal sent me a card that said "I believe in you" with this awesome wristband attached.

I will wear it every day.

Alongside my Yankees one.

They would be accompanied by my Tough Enough to Wear Pink one.

But Hemi ate it.

Thank you Lisa. I heart you:)

I like A's.

I should be studying for a test. It is in 1 hour and 47 minutes. And I have been studying ALL day. Because I procrastinated until today. I don't know EVERYTHING I need to know to get EVERY answer right for EVERY question on the test. Grrrr... I used to like to know EVERYTHING!!! But now I know it's OK to not know EVERYTHING. In fact, I've learned things that I'd rather NOT know. Oh, but wait.. I digress. We're talking about school.

On Thursday, I took a test. Open book, open notes, 2 hour time limit. In my FAVORITE class. Human Development. There was absolutely NO reason not to ACE that test. I was done in 1 hour and 2 minutes and had plenty of time to look up the few questions that I wasn't 100% sure about. But I didn't. Even though I could have. I got 45/50, which used to be an A; 90%. But now 90% is a B+.

My friend, who is a real LCSW, licensed and everything, tells me that nobody really cares if you got an A or a B or even a C on some test along the way. All that matters is the license hanging on the wall, and if you have empathy. I like that. Maybe God is teaching me to have empathy. Which is different than sympathy. Yeah, ok. Cool. B+. But I still want A's, so I'm going to study for 1 hour and 19 more minutes. Wish me luck:)

Girl Power

Yeah, so I love Girl Power songs.

Saw this video at the gym tonight

and it's my new favorite:)

The Most Beautiful Gift I've Ever Received....

Was created by my amazing daughter, Ashli.

Wow... every inch of this drawing means something special to me.

Thank you, Ash. This means more to me than you can even imagine.

I love you.

Psalms 27:14

"Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart:

wait, I say, on the Lord"

Pollyanna at the Laundry-Mat (yes, I know it's Laundromat)

I hate to get all "Pollyanna" on you, but I really did have a wonderful morning at the Laundromat today.

I lug all of my dirty clothes to Payson now and do laundry either before or after work.

Because, quite frankly, I don't do much of ANYTHING in Nephi anymore. I think I'll move to Utah County when my lease is up here. So I was thinking about that this morning, and having mixed feelings. Worried that there aren't any friendly people "up north" and that I would hate it.

And then this cute little Mexican lady at the laundromat walked over to me and handed me her business card. English on the front of the card, Spanish 0n the back. Or vice-versa. But she handed it to me English-side up:) I guess she is a ph0tographer. Whatever she does, she was adorable. Didn't speak a word to me. Just handed me her card and gave me a warm smile. I was drawn to her immediately.

I had been reviewing an article in National Geographic magazine for my Biological Anthropology class while I waited for my laundry.

And one of the Mexican guys in the group came over to me and asked in broken English... "You go to school?" I told him I had returned to college after 25 years and he said

"Never too late"

Awe... I loved him. He had a warm smile too and I just wanted to go home with these happy, upbeat, friendly people and live happily ever after with homemade tortillas and a love like Grandma G's permeating my life.

These awesome people made me realize I can be happy "up north".

I've started looking for the perfect little place.

It will be fun:)

Stronger

I just spent a couple days with my sisters.

Tami said I seem a little bit stronger every time she sees me:)

Tara said I'm beautiful.

And Tawni was doing my nails when I got a text that made my day.

I have hope for the future.

I keep getting stronger.

Seeing my family helps.

Those texts help:)

I'll be OK.

Peace

I try to keep my blog upbeat as much as possible. Focus on the great things happening in my life right now.

Because there ARE a lot of great things happening in my life.

But some days still just suck.

Some days I still feel pretty worthless. If the person who knows me best doesn't love me anymore, how can anyone love me at all? Ever?

So last night was rough. I was feeling pretty low and sad and discouraged about the future.

On those days, I start with a prayer. Then ask God if I can talk to my Mom.

And if I'm still pretty despondent, I call someone. Usually Ashli or Tami.

They talk me through it.

I remember why it's important to keep going.

Why my life isn't over just because of the pain I'm in.

But last night, the prayer and talking to Mom were enough:)

Pretty sure Joey, Marv and Grandpa dropped by, too.

I asked God to direct me to a scripture that would help, and my Bible fell open to Isaiah 66.

"Rejoice ye with Jerusalem, and be glad with her, all ye that love her: rejoice for joy with her, all ye that mourn for her:

For thus saith the Lord, Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river....

As one whom his mother comforteth, so will I comfort you;

and ye shall be comforted in Jerusalem...

And when ye see this, your heart shall rejoice.."

I'm sure there is a plan for me. I'm sure God hasn't forgotten me.

I'm sure there is still something lovable in me.

And today after work, I get to go hang out with the people who love me even though they know every single thing about me, good and bad..

My beautiful sisters:)

Yay! I NEED this.

My Work Buddies

Have I mentioned lately that I LOVE

the people I work with??

We go to lunch together a couple times a week and it's a pretty intimidating

entourage walking out the doors together...

DeeDee, me, Jodi, Marie, Sharon and

...Daniel...

the lone man in the Garden of Eden.

He's a trooper to hang out with all of us old ladies:)

DeeDee prefers Chinese food

But we hit the Hogi Yogi too

When the bigwigs go home at 4:00, I get to work with a whole new group

of friends unloading trucks. They crack me up. I'm usually the token girl in

the group and they didn't quite understand the trauma when I broke a nail

last night unloading a HUGE Coleman cooler. Whoever buys that massive

beer transport device better appreciate it!

Last night, the unloaders all thought it would be pretty funny to introduce

themselves to me as "Mike". Every single one of them said his name was Mike.

They're a blast. Cute kids.

LOVE MY JOB:)

Balance

Day Two

of my new fitness regime.

I live about 1/2 mile from the gym.

The treadmill is boring.

So today I had a plan. Walk to the gym. Do 30 minutes on the elliptical. Walk home. No walking on the treadmill.

I got on the elliptical. Went up a level from yesterday:) I was at 20 minutes. It was going well.

Then people started arriving for Shannon's yoga class.

I've always wanted to try yoga.

It sounded "easier" than the elliptical.

I walked into the class.

Terry and Shannon laughed when I said it sounded easier than the elliptical.

They were right. It wasn't easier.

But it was awesome.

I have a wh0le new set of inspirational quotes just from my first yoga class.

"Find your balance, then lift your gaze."

"Change your thoughts and you can change your world."

"Where your gaze goes, you will go."

So I appreciate the inspirational quotes.

But I still get tremendous inspiration from photos of hot cowboys as well!

Pain is Temporary...Quitting is Forever

So this quote is on the wall at the gym.

"Pain is Temporary, Quitting is Forever."

Yes, I found myself back at the gym today.

APPARENTLY, looking hot in a pair of jeans has not been enough motivation for me to get back over there.

But this morning, Jerry B told me my blood pressure is.....

THROUGH THE ROOF!!

He gently suggested that I get more exercise. Time to get back to the gym. Grrr... I've had high weight, high stress, high risk factors my whole life. But prided myself on not having high blood pressure. Well, now we've thrown in high age, too, and it's time to get it in check, with Mom's cancer history and Dad's history of heart disease. I left Dr T's office, did not pass go, did not collect $200. Went right to the gym. Signed up for a year.

Came home, changed clothes and went back.

Spent 30 minutes on the elliptical followed by 30 minutes on the treadmill.

So... apparently, in spite of my occasional thoughts that "I just want to die" rather than live through my current life challenges, I really DO want to live a long and healthy life. And if I get looking HOT in a pair of jeans in the process.. BONUS:)

A Good Day:)

This was a good day

On my way to work this morning, a cute guy paid for my daily dose of Diet Dr Pepper.

The guy my kids got half of their DNA from.

We just happened to be at the Santaquin Maverik at the same time.

Thanks for the drink, Kurt:)



This cute guy was in Nephi today and would have taken me to lunch if I hadn't been at work. Dang... I missed out:( Thanks anyway, Mack!

Can't get a puppy, so I bought a HUGE pillow to cuddle up with at night. Isn't it cute?

And.. good news. My old boss lost his ridiculous appeal with the unemployment office, so I'm not stuck with an $8,319.00 penalty after all. Yay!!!!!

I scored 48/50 on my Anthropology field assignment. Yay!!!!

It's Spring Break so I don't have school tonight, and I think I'll do a couple of things from the Happy Book we made last week:) Life is good....

My To-Do List

I had a list of stuff to do today.

Go to work.

I got certified in the operation of the Walkie Stacker today. SO FUN! I LOVE my job:)

Next on the "To Do" list. Laundry. Ugh. Got it done though:)

Went to the library. Carin was there. She recommended some books by Debbie Macomber.

Debbie recommended some books by Josi Kilpack. We'll see if I like them:) Always looking for new authors.

Had to go talk to my insurance agent. He's a good man. A good friend. But I still hate paying insurance premiums.

Ugh. The last thing on my list today wasn't a whole lot of fun. Had to sign some papers. But my fun friend Lisa was in the building and she made me smile.

And my awesome niece Brooklyn just happened to text me as I pulled into the parking lot

"Hey I was wondering.. how are you doing?"

She'd have no way of knowing where I was at that very moment, but she trusted the instinct that I could use a text from someone I love RIGHT then!! Grateful to my Heavenly Father for whispering in her ear, and grateful that she's the kind of person who is worthy to hear and respond to the promptings. This was not an easy day but I am SO BLESSED to be surrounded by amazing family and friends.

You Make Me Smile

A friend sent me this ringtone last night.

Could not have been more perfect.

Just what I needed to hear.

It made me smile.

Thank you my friend.

*___________*