Passages Through the Veil

On May 22, 2016, my daughter Ashli gave birth to my second grandbaby, Rogue Dallen Brown. 6 pounds 13 ounces, 20 inches long, he is a perfect baby. I love him so much. Big brother Riken wasn't thrilled with his arrival, but got used to him and even started kissing his forehead once in a while. 

About a month after Rogue was born, our family friend Kellen Nielsen committed suicide. It was devastating for all of us. 29 years old. Seemed to have everything going for him. The Nielsens are a loved and respected family in Nephi, and Kellen's death was so hard for so many people, myself included. He didn't die immediately and I cried buckets of tears during the week that he spent in the hospital, putting myself in his Mom's position, and putting my sons in Kellen's brothers' positions. It hit really close to home. 

During that week, Ashli asked me if I would be willing to be Riken and Rogue's nanny when she goes back to work next week. I have a job that I LOVE, but I truly am not going anywhere in this position. I've kept the same job, working for $12.00 an hour, 25 hours a week, even after I got my Bachelor's degree. I've applied for a few full-time positions at work, but haven't gotten them, so it's not like I'm really going to be missed or hard to replace. 

But a Grandma? Yeah, grandmas are missed and hard to replace. So I've decided to do it. I will travel 3 hours to Ashli's house to be her live-in Nanny while she and Mack both work 7 days on/7 off. On their 7 days off, I will come home and be with Ken. He can't retire for about 9 years, so he has to stay here and work in Ephraim for a while. I'm going to miss him SO much. We haven't spent more than a night apart ever since we got married. Even when he's had surgery, I sleep in his hospital room. 

So I will miss Ken, but I already miss Riken and Rogue every single day, and Kellen's death just made it so much more acute for me. We have to take every moment we can to be with our loved ones. Nothing else matters as much as that. I desperately want to be a part of my grandkids' lives, and this is an opportunity for me to do that, even though it means giving up a job I love and being released as the Primary president. 

We had Activity Days girls day camp this past Thursday, and I had such a great time. I love these kids so much and I will miss working in the Ephraim 2nd Ward Primary. But I just keep coming back to the thought that I need to be at Ashli's. They need me. I need them. 

Also this week, Ken's uncle Lorin Stone passed away. He was 92 years old. The feelings around his passing are so different from the feelings surrounding Kellen's death. Lorin's funeral was a celebration of memories of a loving husband, father and friend. The service was so peaceful and although our hearts went out to Aunt Maurine, it wasn't really a time of grieving. He will be waiting for her on the other side. Maurine is Ken's Mom, Eva Deon Jones Carlson's, sister. I never got to meet her, but my husband loved his Mom so much. Meeting Maurine was kind of like meeting Deon. Maurine has the sweetest spirit, and she was so happy to meet me, as were all of Ken's cousins. They were so kind and loving to me, loving me just because they love Ken. It was a beautiful experience to spend the day with them. 

Even Steven, I guess. lol. Ken is the baby of the family and Steven is the next older of the five boys. He and I clash most of the time, but I am so glad that these boys get together in important moments like this. The only brother missing was Donald, who is working in California this week. 

So, all in all, it's been a really emotional time for me. My life is transforming yet again. I've never had a career. I thought Snow College would be it. But the truth is, I've never really wanted anything more than being a Mom and a Grandma. My first husband used to get so mad that I'd quit really good jobs every few years. When I had a new baby or when one of our babies started liking the babysitter more than he liked me, I just couldn't drag myself away from the kids. And now it's happening again. With the grandkids. I've changed a lot over the past twenty five years, but this hasn't changed. When it comes right down to it, a job is just a job. Necessary, but certainly not the most important part of my life. I hope we can make it work financially. Wrote out the tithing check this morning. Hoping for the best! 

The Moments I Live For

 So, yeah, having kids that live in St George means that summer starts like three months earlier than we're used to:) We spent the weekend at the OUTDOOR pool in FEBRUARY in La Verkin. WHAT??? 

 Mack made some awesome outdoor Yahtzee dice. 

 7 months pregnant with her second son, Rogue, Ashli just soaks up the rays. 

 Kenna keeps score:) 

 We love it when Mack cooks. This weekend we tried his grilled sweet potatoes for the first time. YUMMY! 

 My man:)

 My middlest child:)

 All of the kids have told us how great Dixie Rock is, so we finally hiked up there. It was AWESOME!!! 

 A couple days before Easter, Ashli and Riken came to Ephraim for a quick visit. Too quick, but it was good for my soul to see them:) 

 Haha. Ashli and I did our pedicures, so Riken filed his feet too. 

 Easter egg hunt in Nana's backyard.

 Lunch at Rodgers at the very table where Ashli told me she was pregnant with Riken four years ago:) 

When Ashli and Riken left to go home, Riken and I both cried. I love this little guy more than I ever though possible. 

Provo Staycation

 Ken came home on Friday and asked me if I wanted to go away for a couple days. We had a hotel/dinner package from Centracom that we could use, so we booked a couple nights at the Provo Marriott and took off spontaneously that evening. It was SO great!!! We spent hours in the hottub, had dinner at Tucano's, and just relaxed all weekend. It was the Provo City Center temple dedication, so we didn't have responsibilities in our church callings. 

 My grandson Riken and I, as well as my nephew Bowie, are all addicted to those claw machines where you spent $10 to try and win a $3 stuffed animal. Ken had some great luck with the 25 cent machine at WalMart on our way to the hotel. It looks like they threw a bunch of leftover holiday toys in there, but we were happy to win them:) 

 We didn't actually plan it this way, but the hotel was just a couple blocks from the new Provo City Center temple, which was being dedicated. So I got up super early the morning of the dedication to get a great spot to witness the sealing of the cornerstone. We didn't know who would be there to put the mortar in and were thrilled when it was Elder Dallin H Oaks. He was funny and spiritual and it was just a great honor to be this close to an Apostle of the Lord.

This temple has significant meaning to me. My first husband asked me for a divorce in October of 2010. I begged him not to leave and we lived in the same house for another two months, although I slept in the basement and he stayed in the master bedroom. I kept hoping we would work it out and that our marriage would last. On December 17, 2010, the Provo Tabernacle caught on fire. It was devastating. Really nothing remained but the outside walls, a shell of the building it had been. There were decades of memories in the building, and people were heartbroken. My husband was working in the Provo area that week, and I was curious to see the destroyed building so I drove up to Provo. I  called my husband and asked him if he wanted to go to lunch with me while I was in the area. He paused and then said "Tina, No. It's over." It was then that I knew it really was. I moved out on New Years Eve, and the end of my marriage corresponded with the destruction of the beautiful tabernacle. Fast forward to the Fall of 2011. I met the wonderful man who would become my eternal companion in August. At the October 2011 General Conference, President Monson announced that not only would the Provo Tabernacle be rebuilt, but it would be built into a TEMPLE, the most beautiful of all buildings in the church. Two weeks after that announcement, I married Ken and now I am at the dedication of the building with him. Beauty rose from the ashes for me and the building. 

Tyler's Wedding

 A few months before Tyler came home from his mission, he sent me a long letter telling me that he had met a Sister missionary out in the mission field. He assured me that they had done NOTHING inappropriate and didn't even email each other on pdays, but that he would probably want to spend some time with her after they got home from their missions. They would actually be flying home on the same day. Sisters serve for 18  months, Elders for 24 months. So I began email correspondence with the young lady, Kieonah Smoot. I loved her before I met her. She told me that the first time she knew Tyler was someone special was one day in the Bronx when he had received a package in the mail. The Elders were teasing him, saying "Ooh, is that from a GIRL?" and he replied "The only girl that really matters... my Mom". They came home in August, got engaged in November and married on January 16 in the Manti temple. We couldn't be happier! 

 I LOVE that both of my sons chose wives who are so much like their sister. Zack's wife McKenna is on the left, my daughter Ashli on the right. 

This was tough for me. I cried buckets of tears as I shared this dance with my youngest child. Probably in part because he had Zack play "The Baby" by Blake Shelton. From the first time I heard that song, it brings me to tears. I am so happy that my kids have all found wonderful spouses and I hope they have amazing marriages.