Simply Radiant

I will be having 28 rounds of radiation treatments. Today is Day #8. I couldn't do it without these people. Tami and Brooklyn come to Provo on Fridays and we eat in the hospital cafeteria. We laugh so hard. We call ourselves the #Core4. It helps. 

I also wear a different pair of novelty socks each day. 

8 days down. 28 to go. 

Light at the end of Limbo

This is our life now. Doctor appointments so often that this seems like a fashion choice and Ken just plays on his phone. My sister is so amazing to check on me like every day and see how I am emotionally and physically, but for the most part, life has to go back to normal for everyone but me and Ken. We live this stupid cancer thing every day. Ugh. 

Radiation starts the day after tomorrow. Yay! 

His boss is being so cool. He said Ken can leave every day at 2:00 to take me to my appointments. I really just want to get these treatments done so that our lives can go back to normal too. 

We did have a little fun this week though. 

Last weekend was my niece Kylie's baby shower. It was so good to see my family, and Kylie is the cutest pregnant mom ever. 

New baby!!!! Ken's daughter Jenny had a sweet little baby boy named Cooper James and he is already known as CJ. He fell asleep on my chest! I had been so worried about that. 

I  planted flowers in pots for the porch. Last year, I was in the trailer in Richfield all summer, and Ken wasn't exactly the most dedicated flower hydrator. lol. 

It was the Scandinavian festival here in Ephraim. We always go over on Fridays and have lunch. It gets too crowded and crazy on Saturday, so the locals hit the booths on Friday. 

The Real Face of Cancer

 I make a huge effort to be positive about this whole cancer thing. One, I believe it will aid my recovery immensely if I go at it with a hopeful, determined outlook. Two, my family needs me to be positive. They love me. They are worried enough without me acting scared that I'm going to die. 

 But he knows that some days are harder than others. Some days I am scared that I am going to die. 

 And EVERY day includes emptying these bloody drains (pun intended) with the occasional clot or clump of tissue. 

 My daughter and my sister get glimpses of how I really feel sometimes too. 

And #tinastribe just makes it all better on the days when it isn't super easy. 

The Week Before Surgery

It's been a LONG week. We saw the breast surgeon on Tuesday(who introduced herself as "Jennifer" btw, immediately putting me at ease) and scheduled a double mastectomy for April 25. I had an MRI on Friday. Ok THAT is pretty much one of the most unpleasant experiences ever. I'm super proud of myself for holding still and simply making it through. Apparently it could have been worse, though. For a breast MRI, you lie on your stomach and literally scoop your breasts down into these two holes. Your head is lying on a pillow like the ones on a massage table. And the similarities to a massage table end there. But, going into the tube facedown apparently causes less claustrophobic panic than going in face up. So there's that.  

All the bells and whistles are still there, though. And by that I mean super loud bursts of all sorts of different sounds, from knocking to banging to clanging. 

 Ken has been AMAZING this week. He's been there for everything. Tuesday, he took me to Build-a-Bear and we built a pink bear named BooBoo with Ken's voice recorded saying "I love you baby". We bought button-top pajamas, soft socks and slippers for the hospital. He took me to lunch at Tucanos. He tries to assure me that I will still be me without the 42 DD's that I've had for the last 20 years. 

But I still worry that my grandbabies will never sleep as comfortably on Nana's chest as Staten did today. 

Biopsy

Girls like us are supposed to get a mammogram every year. Mom died of breast cancer at age 39. So why they make you wait until age 40 to get yearly mammos makes no sense to me. But, anyway... age 40, 41, 42... mammograms. At 48, I got a great new job, I was crazy busy and didn't get my mammogram done. So I made sure not to miss it this year. March 26, 2018. Age 49. This was followed by a form letter stating that my mammogram was abnormal. I've had abnormal mammograms before, but this just felt different from the minute I opened the envelope. I needed an ultrasound guided biopsy which I had on April 5. Because there is absolutely no sense in needless worrying, I only told Ken and Ashli that I was having the biopsy. And they were there for it. 

Yeah, it was pretty much the scariest thing I've ever done. 

But this guy was there for me. I couldn't look at the computer screen, or the biopsy gun, or anything but Ken. He said "You have pretty blue eyes" just before Ashli took this picture. 

And he just made it better. 

The biopsy was nothing like I expected it would be. You hear "needle biopsy" and you think it's no big deal,  right? But the needle is actually one needle inside of another needle, all inside of a loud gun. Sort of like an ear piercing gun, I guess is the best way to describe it. Dr Bastian numbed it up before the procedure, but yeah, it was still pretty unpleasant. The inside needle draws tissue out and pulls it up into the sheath created by the outside needle. He drops the sample in a cup and does it again. Like 6 times, I think.  

The biopsy site looked pretty awful for a few days there. But I'm pretty sure this will seem like nothing in the weeks ahead! 

Staten James Allred

On Tuesday, March 22. 2017, my daughter-in-law Kieonah gave birth to my 3rd grandson, Staten James Allred. Staten was born at 10:57 PM, weighing 7 lbs 15 ounces, 21 1/4 inches long. His name was chosen for Staten Island, because my son Tyler met his wife Kieonah when they were both serving as missionaries for the LDS church in the New York New York North mission. 

Kieonah had invited me to be in the room with her when she delivered the baby, and while I was honored that she asked, I really didn't think I wanted to be there. Her Mom would be there, Tyler would be there, and I just wasn't sure I should. But once her contractions started, I knew I couldn't leave. It was an amazing experience, watching this teeny little girl go through 15 hours of labor to bring my son's son into this world. 

Every time a contraction started, she reached for Tyler's hand. And hour after hour, his hand was there for her. 

My kids drove 6 hours to be there, and seeing them hold Ty's baby was a moment I will never forget. 

Rogue was fascinated that there is someone littler than him. I think they will be good friends as they grow up. 

Ken was amazing. He waited in this tiny waiting room all 15 hours, going out for food when Ty needed something. We are so blessed to have Ken in our lives. 

And now I'm excited to watch my youngest child raise his own family. 

Life is good :) 

Passages Through the Veil

On May 22, 2016, my daughter Ashli gave birth to my second grandbaby, Rogue Dallen Brown. 6 pounds 13 ounces, 20 inches long, he is a perfect baby. I love him so much. Big brother Riken wasn't thrilled with his arrival, but got used to him and even started kissing his forehead once in a while. 

About a month after Rogue was born, our family friend Kellen Nielsen committed suicide. It was devastating for all of us. 29 years old. Seemed to have everything going for him. The Nielsens are a loved and respected family in Nephi, and Kellen's death was so hard for so many people, myself included. He didn't die immediately and I cried buckets of tears during the week that he spent in the hospital, putting myself in his Mom's position, and putting my sons in Kellen's brothers' positions. It hit really close to home. 

During that week, Ashli asked me if I would be willing to be Riken and Rogue's nanny when she goes back to work next week. I have a job that I LOVE, but I truly am not going anywhere in this position. I've kept the same job, working for $12.00 an hour, 25 hours a week, even after I got my Bachelor's degree. I've applied for a few full-time positions at work, but haven't gotten them, so it's not like I'm really going to be missed or hard to replace. 

But a Grandma? Yeah, grandmas are missed and hard to replace. So I've decided to do it. I will travel 3 hours to Ashli's house to be her live-in Nanny while she and Mack both work 7 days on/7 off. On their 7 days off, I will come home and be with Ken. He can't retire for about 9 years, so he has to stay here and work in Ephraim for a while. I'm going to miss him SO much. We haven't spent more than a night apart ever since we got married. Even when he's had surgery, I sleep in his hospital room. 

So I will miss Ken, but I already miss Riken and Rogue every single day, and Kellen's death just made it so much more acute for me. We have to take every moment we can to be with our loved ones. Nothing else matters as much as that. I desperately want to be a part of my grandkids' lives, and this is an opportunity for me to do that, even though it means giving up a job I love and being released as the Primary president. 

We had Activity Days girls day camp this past Thursday, and I had such a great time. I love these kids so much and I will miss working in the Ephraim 2nd Ward Primary. But I just keep coming back to the thought that I need to be at Ashli's. They need me. I need them. 

Also this week, Ken's uncle Lorin Stone passed away. He was 92 years old. The feelings around his passing are so different from the feelings surrounding Kellen's death. Lorin's funeral was a celebration of memories of a loving husband, father and friend. The service was so peaceful and although our hearts went out to Aunt Maurine, it wasn't really a time of grieving. He will be waiting for her on the other side. Maurine is Ken's Mom, Eva Deon Jones Carlson's, sister. I never got to meet her, but my husband loved his Mom so much. Meeting Maurine was kind of like meeting Deon. Maurine has the sweetest spirit, and she was so happy to meet me, as were all of Ken's cousins. They were so kind and loving to me, loving me just because they love Ken. It was a beautiful experience to spend the day with them. 

Even Steven, I guess. lol. Ken is the baby of the family and Steven is the next older of the five boys. He and I clash most of the time, but I am so glad that these boys get together in important moments like this. The only brother missing was Donald, who is working in California this week. 

So, all in all, it's been a really emotional time for me. My life is transforming yet again. I've never had a career. I thought Snow College would be it. But the truth is, I've never really wanted anything more than being a Mom and a Grandma. My first husband used to get so mad that I'd quit really good jobs every few years. When I had a new baby or when one of our babies started liking the babysitter more than he liked me, I just couldn't drag myself away from the kids. And now it's happening again. With the grandkids. I've changed a lot over the past twenty five years, but this hasn't changed. When it comes right down to it, a job is just a job. Necessary, but certainly not the most important part of my life. I hope we can make it work financially. Wrote out the tithing check this morning. Hoping for the best! 

The Moments I Live For

 So, yeah, having kids that live in St George means that summer starts like three months earlier than we're used to:) We spent the weekend at the OUTDOOR pool in FEBRUARY in La Verkin. WHAT??? 

 Mack made some awesome outdoor Yahtzee dice. 

 7 months pregnant with her second son, Rogue, Ashli just soaks up the rays. 

 Kenna keeps score:) 

 We love it when Mack cooks. This weekend we tried his grilled sweet potatoes for the first time. YUMMY! 

 My man:)

 My middlest child:)

 All of the kids have told us how great Dixie Rock is, so we finally hiked up there. It was AWESOME!!! 

 A couple days before Easter, Ashli and Riken came to Ephraim for a quick visit. Too quick, but it was good for my soul to see them:) 

 Haha. Ashli and I did our pedicures, so Riken filed his feet too. 

 Easter egg hunt in Nana's backyard.

 Lunch at Rodgers at the very table where Ashli told me she was pregnant with Riken four years ago:) 

When Ashli and Riken left to go home, Riken and I both cried. I love this little guy more than I ever though possible.