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Work for my both my husband and my son has been kind of stressful this past week. 

So it was kind of weighing us all down and taking its toll. 

And Tuesday afternoon, I decided that I just really needed a temple trip. 

So Ken and I went here after work. 

We were both super tired and I had a test due before midnight, but we stuck to the plan and went anyway. 

And, as was expected, it was an AMAZING session. Probably the BEST endowment session I've been on in 23 years of temple attendance. 

When you go to the temple after the initial time of doing your own work, you go and do work as proxies for people who have passed away. If you are awesome and have done the research to take names of your own deceased ancestors, you get a name from your family file and represent them. But Ken and I haven't done a lot of that type of work yet, so we get names from the general database of the church, randomly assigned to whomever is doing temple work that night. 

And last night, Ken was representing a deceased gentleman from Pennsylvania whose first given name was.... drum roll, please... TYLER!!!! Woohoo:) 

Mine was a woman from South Dakota named Anna, the name of my cousin who was killed by a drunk driver when she was 17 years old. So, when things like this happen, I like to think that it's not simply coincidence, but the Lord saying "Thank you for being here. I want to acknowledge that I see you, and this is how I will do that." 

As we walked into the chapel, we were overwhelmed to see the sheer numbers of people in there. It was apparently Stake Temple Night for one of the Snow College youth stakes, and I was so impressed to see how many young men were serving in the temple last night. Boys that I see on campus all the time in my work at the Snow College registration desk. Not to mention SO many of our adult friends who we love and admire. Men that Ken has worked with in YSA bishoprics in the past, people from our old ward here in Ephraim, people from our new ward here in Ephraim. Our home teacher, who was also Ashli's absolute FAVORITE professor at Snow. A beautiful couple who recently lost their 7 month old grandson to death way too soon. Their son was my son-in-law's best friend throughout high school, so I was so moved to see Jeff and Michelle there last night, and so emotional when I was able to talk with Michelle for a few minutes. 

The moment that really got to me, though, was when I saw Brother Scott, one of the men who was the most influential in helping Ty make the decision to serve a mission. I got to hear him verbally pray "Please protect our missionaries" and I got so emotional when I heard him pray for Tyler's safety out in the field. 

At the end of our session, I was ready before Ken, so I sat in the celestial room for a few minutes by myself to pray and search for a sense of peace about the job situations, my schooling, my missionary son, Ken's upcoming surgery. I can't put every detail on my blog, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I felt the presence of my Mom as I sat there. It's only happened two other times for me since she died 26 years ago, but it was so powerful last night. 

BEST.EVENING.EVER. 

And.. I got 95% on the test that I finally finished at 10:30 last night. Waiting for an email from Elder Allred today. 

I feel peace and joy, and everything will be just fine for my sweet family. 

Temple with Tyler

 Tyler received his endowment in the Manti temple today. He had some great support from people who love him. 

 His best friend Kelton was his escort. Kelt leaves on the 19th for his mission in Oregon, so it was awesome that they got to share this experience before he goes. 

 McKenna and Tami had the exact same color on when they arrived. SO CUTE!! 

 Tami is always so supportive of everything my kids do. She drove a long way this morning to be there for Ty. Love her:)

 My boys and their dad

 Us:)

I'm blessed with two amazing sons. I love these guys beyond words. 

And We're Back

 We went to the temple for a session on Thursday, August 9, 2012.

Here we are at home before we left for Manti.

 Almost there...

 Ah:)

 Yeah, we've waited a long time for this.

Tonight we had Rylee's baby blessing at Andrea's house. Zane ran inside to tell me there was a rainbow. I like to think it means my Mom was there:)

 Rylee Ann and Grandpa Ken before her blessing.

Isn't she beautiful? 

The Atonement

We watched this video in Sunday School yesterday.

It was only about the fourth Sunday since I decided to return to church with my whole heart, no matter how long the process took for me to return to full fellowship.

I'm not even sure there was a MOMENT I decided that I really wanted to go back to the  temple and be the ME I'd always been "before".

It's been a process over the past few weeks. My nephew getting ready to leave for his mission tomorrow. My son talking about going on his mission next year. My friends telling me that it's the right thing to do. My heart telling me that I really want to go inside the building every time I drive by the Manti temple. My visiting teacher bringing me something with a butterfly on it every couple of weeks or so. My 70 year old home teacher and his 16 year old companion who haven't missed a month of visiting even when we were kind of rude to them and told them we didn't have time one night.

Mostly it's probably just because I believe it. Train up a child in the way he should go and all that. I've been taught this gospel since I was a tiny little girl, and it's a part of me. I took a detour for a while there. Blamed God for things that were really just a matter of other people's free agency. Used my own free agency to circle around and check out the side trails. But I'm back.

And once I made that decision in my own heart, it was like that's all God was waiting for.

Yesterday after we watched the video in Sunday School, the Bishop (who has seemed remarkably humble and kind lately, btw) came and asked us to meet with him right after the block of meetings yesterday. We had an emotional meeting with him, his couselors and Ernie, the executive secretary. At the end of that meeting, he asked us to return at 5:00 for temple recommend interviews. I cried. Ken cried. It was pretty amazing. And now I hold a recommend in my hand for the first time in over a year. Even though I have two tattoos and even though I made some other interesting choices along the way. I wanted to go to the temple the minute it opened this morning, but of course, Ken had to work. I have to work tonight. I have to work tomorrow night. But Thursday... Thursday we'll be there. Together. I never thought I'd see this day again, going to do a temple session with the man I love.

And Sunday we get to take the sacrament, answer questions in class, speak or say prayers or bear our testimonies, or... .wait.. or be nursery and cub scout leaders!!!???? What were we thinking? lol. I'm truly happy. I feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders and I'm back where I knew I wanted to be all along.

Dear Diary

Disclaimer: This is about to get really personal, so if you  don't care to delve that deeply into my heart and soul, click the red x in the upper right. Thanks.

 I have been a Latter Day Saint since my Dad baptized me on July 3, 1976. It's all I've ever known. I've never doubted for one second that Joseph Smith knelt in the Sacred Grove and physically saw God and Jesus Christ. I have always believed that Families are Forever if you are sealed in the temple. My daughter's temple wedding was one of the greatest days of my life.

But when my own temple marriage crumbled after 22 years, I started to question everything I believed in. I didn't even know who I was. I had defined myself as a wife and mother for so long, I didn't even know how to live. My sons were 19 and 17, and we let them choose.

They chose their Dad.

It was devastating. I woke up one day and I had lost everything.What kind of God does that? What kind of God lets that happen? But my daughter was ruthless in making me heal. She mothered me and brought me back to life. She didn't talk to her Dad for a whole year. She basically sent her husband Mack with a horse trailer to pick up my stuff from the little two bedroom apartment I shared with NOBODY and made me move in with her, so she wouldn't worry every night about me crying myself to sleep. Our testimonies floundered. We were hurting. We didn't understand and we weren't all that happy with our Heavenly Father.

 And then..I met a man. I fell in love. He'd been in 4 bishoprics before his temple marriage of 24 years fell apart the same way mine did. He was hurting, too. We were soul mates. I moved in with him a month before our wedding. I got a tattoo. I was blissfully happy. But we missed the Church. So ten days after our wedding, we went and talked to our bishop. Told him all the gory details. We had a church court. We were put on probation for an unspecified period. The bishop said it would continue until he felt like we were ready. We had some stuff we had to take care of. And we did every little thing that was asked of us. We knew we wouldn't be able to go back to the temple for a year, but we needed SOMETHING. We couldn't pray in meetings or answer questions in class or take the sacrament, and we had to meet with the bishop  every other Sunday. We paid our tithing, went to our meetings and still we were ostracized and put on display month after month after month when we had to pass the sacrament tray down without taking it. On Easter Sunday, all of our meetings talked about the Atonement. We were six months into our probation then, and we thought some little privilege would finally be restored to us then. Sacrament or the ability to pray or bear our testimonies or answer questions or SOMETHING. I mean, the Savior met us halfway, right? We felt really strongly that we had done what was asked of us and Jesus Christ did the rest. We met with the bishop that day and he said we weren't ready for any of those things to be returned to us. We haven't been to church since. Two weeks ago, we decided to try going back, but we only stayed for sacrament meeting, and we didn't feel loved or welcome or anything, so here we are.

My oldest nephew, Maveric, baptized one of my younger nephews, Logan, yesterday. Mav is going on a mission to Puerto Rico in August and I'm so proud of him. As I am of Logan for choosing to be baptized and for my sister, Tawni, for taking her three little boys to church when they got old enough to start asking to go. It's not easy for her, and she's a great Mom.

My oldest son Zack  is older than Mav, and I thought I would be bummed that he wasn't the one to baptize Logan. But I really wasn't bummed about it. I'm proud of Zack for being who he is, and it's OK that he didn't go on a mission. It's OK that he isn't an Elder, and it's even OK if he doesn't get married in the temple. My life looks nothing like it did 5 years ago, and  I actually feel a peace that I haven't felt for a long time. People are charting their own course in this family and in this life, and I love them for who they are. I want them to be good people and live Christian lives, but if they do that in their own way, I'm OK with that.

The little cousins love Zack, and he's going to be a great Dad. He loves with his whole heart, and he's fun to be around. I'm so proud to be his Mom.

 An old high school acquaintance, Lee Imlay, is the bishop in Tawni's ward, and he teared up when he talked about the love and support he feels from our family. He said he felt a good spirit being around us. Tami is the only one of our seven siblings who is temple worthy, yet there is a strong spirit among us.

 If you look closely you can see an angel between Ashli and Kylie. Yeah, I know, it's just a dusty camera lens, but I like to think differently:) Our Mom would have been so happy to see us all there together yesterday, full of love for Logan and Mav and just happy to be all together.

 After the baptism, Ken and I got new matching tattoos. A lot of people won't understand that. It is a tattoo we have considered for a long time, and just recently finally found the perfect design. My family has deep celtic roots, and this tattoo honors that along with a heart to symbolize our love for each other.

I love it. I don't regret it at all.

Malissa took this picture for us after she finished up. Yeah, she rocks. She's covered in ink, pierced and dyed and she's one of my favorite people. She has a big heart, she loves her kids and her husband, and she makes me feel beautiful.

Yes, this is Wile E Coyote beneath our Celtic knot. He got it 32 years ago when he was in the Army. We thought about having Malissa do some amazing cover up work, but Ken's daughter, Jenny, says "NO!" It's part of who her Dad is. Nobody but Ken would have a Wile E Coyote tattoo  and she wants it to stay. So stay it will:)

Well... the Bishop called, and he'd like us to meet with him at 7:00 tonight. Ken is going. I'm not. I'm not ready.