Vegas

 We took Zane and Alec to Las Vegas last week. I stopped counting the "Are we there yet"'s about 40 minutes into the trip, which normally takes about 4 1/2 hours but ended up being 6 for us this time.

 Andrea sent money with them so they could buy swim goggles, and they chose these hilarious masks.

 Zane gave me a little monster that formerly held a blue jawbreaker. Isn't it cute?

 The purpose of the trip was to see Anthony and his family, who were in Las Vegas from their home in Germany. I had never met them, and Ken and the boys hadn't seen them for three years. So it was great to visit with them. I was SO nervous to meet them, but they were really sweet to me, and I got hugs from all of them before we came home.

 Anthony and Sandra's daughter Alena is a beautiful little girl. Her big Shamu was a hit with her cousins.

 12 year old Julian is hilarious! We took him to Circus Circus to spend the day with the boys and he was joking with Zane about this being the perfect gift for him.

 This doesn't happen near enough. Alec cried when he had to say goodbye to Julian.

 We had some zany, crazy fun on the trip.

 We tried one of the buffets, but the boys were much happier with McDonald's, so we ended up there for most of our meals. They did have milk, juice and apple slices, though, so it wasn't a completely unhealthy week.

My youngest child is 18, and Ken's is 22, so we had both forgotten just how exhausting it can be to vacation with little ones, but I was SO glad Andrea let us take the boys with us. It was great to get to know them a little bit better, and we all had a good time.

Tyler's Graduation

 My baby graduated from high school on May 23, 2012, the first in our family to wear a yellow rope:) (Which means you're like really, really smart and stuff!) He was one of the Top Scholars in his class and I am SO proud of him. P.S. Aren't he and his sister GORGEOUS people?

 My niece, Brittany Baker, graduated from Grantsville High School on the same night, at the same time, that Tyler graduated from Juab High School, over 100 miles away. So my family had a hard time deciding which graduation to attend. Tami and her family just went half-n-half. Dave and Kylie went to Brittany's, and Tami and Mav came to Ty's.

 I LOVE this picture! Ty's football coach, Mike Bowring, has been an amazing part of his life for many years, both on and off the football field, and has helped shape the man Ty is today.

 Cute little Puggy and Megan joined the Searles in supporting Ty. Thanks you guys:) 

 The boys:) These three have been so close the past couple of years. Ty and Kelton will be roommates at Snow College in the fall. Kelty is a great kid and I think the world of him. He was given the Disciple of Christ Award at seminary graduation and I cried as much as if it were my own blood son receiving it. I'm so glad he's a part of my sons' lives.

 And they are best friends.

My kids didn't really understand when Ken and I took our pictures before the ceremony and let Ty's dad have the time afterwards. But I made the best decision for me. Knowing my own strengths and weaknesses, I held it together for as long as I could and then cried on the way home alone with Ken while Ty got on the bus to go to California with the kids he's known since he was like 4 years old. I'm glad he was raised in Nephi. But I'm SO ready for him to live here in Sanpete. I can't wait til fall when he comes to Snow College, where he'll be a... gasp... cheerleader!!!! I know, right? I'm so excited!

Babie Becca Brown

I think I can finally start talking about this. I am just SO excited to become a Grandma.

My daughter, Ashli, is due on December 21 with my very first grandchild. I'm SO hoping for a girl:)

Ash is really sick, so I'm hoping that ends soon. She's lost 12 pounds, which she doesn't have to lose. But the baby is doing well, and this will be one AMAZING Christmas season for all of us:) Yay!!!!

Blogging

 Tomorrow my youngest child will graduate from high school. So I know I'll want to blog about that.

Today I want to blog about this.

His day started with him holding my hand during my dental appointment. Because I'm an absolute baby at the dentist. I hate that about me. He took me to pick up my prescription. Because I'm crazy.

He went to work after that. Worked all day.

Laid tile in the bathroom at our new place after work.

 Got devastating news in a 10:00 PM phone call. Cried. I love that about him. Finished the tile.

Tomorrow he'll hold my hand while I face one of the most emotional days of my entire life. I'll cry. He'll understand even though he doesn't.



Big Bro

 I guess I always knew Zack was a good big brother to Ty.

 Aside from the time he broke Ty's wrist when wrestling blindfolded, that is. 

Ute Stampede baby contest winners 1996:)

 1st place "Who's on First" routine got them to the Utah State Fair where they took 3rd:)

 First visit to Yankee Stadium

But today I was scanning some old pictures for Ty's graduation video, and I realized just how PRESENT Zack has always been in Tyler's life. Here he is, a tiny little guy, coaching 1st base, while Tyler is the base runner. Zack taught his little brother everything. He let him hang out with his friends all throughout high school. They held each other up while their family fell apart last year. And they are BEST friends today.

Camping one day, Tyler was scared to walk across the creek. So Zack went to the other side and encouraged him. "Come on, Ty, you can do it.". These are their little faces after Ty did it, thanks to his big bro. I have so many pictures like this, of Zack looking out for Ty, and being the best big brother in the world. Ty graduates from high school in two weeks, then the two of them will be roomies at college. It's going to be AWESOME!!

Exit Sandman?

 http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=21135519&topic_id=&c_id=nyy&tcid=vpp_copy_21135519&v=3

My Mom died when I was 19 years old.

I got divorced after 22 years of a temple marriage.

But this....

This breaks my heart.

Melancholy

Some of you have been reading my blog for years. So you know. You know that I got married in 1989, had three amazing, wonderful children, and got divorced 22 years later. My ex-husband was seeing a girl we had known for 15 years and I moved out of our hometown where I wouldn't have to see them or hear about them everywhere I went. When I moved to Ephraim, this amazing, kind, cute man hooked up our cable TV.  Four months later, when I moved to Moroni (with Ashli and Mackenzie, btw.. they were amazing to me!) the same cute guy hooked up our cable again. We struck up a conversation and he told me his wife had asked him for a divorce after 24 years. They'd been married in the temple, too.  Our stories were almost identical. He was my soul mate. Our first date was a motorcycle ride over the Nebo Loop. We got married two months later. I love him more than I ever imagined I could love anyone. We do everything together. Our nine kids are all grown up and we have the freedom to just enjoy each other's company. It's a beautiful life. One I never thought I'd have again after I got divorced.

But sometimes I miss this life, too. The house where I raised my kids. Christmas traditions. First day of school pictures in front of the bushes in the front yard. My dog. My ex-husband's brothers and sister. Even his parents sometimes! I wonder how eternity will look for all of us. I wouldn't trade my life with Ken for anything. But, you know.... I get melancholy sometimes. Today is one of the sometimes. Plus I'm bored. I'm not taking college classes summer semester, so this is like the first day in the past 18 months that I don't have homework to do. Gives me too much time to think.

I saw this quote on a T-shirt yesterday and I just had to blog it...

Together by Chance,

United by Choice.

I think it was for a soccer team or something, but I stole it.

I pretty much LOVE this <3

Happy weekend everyone:)

I'm working Saturday, but I'm sure we'll squeeze some fun into the weekend somewhere.

 

Small Town Living

I love going over to Mt Pleasant and watching Miss Ashli play volleyball, now that I live close enough to go over there when I can.

Yeah, she pretty much rocks:)

At her most recent game, she played against her preschool teacher, who hasn't changed a bit.

The thing is... preschool was nearly 20 years ago. We were living in Ken and Dixie's trailer park in Spring City, dead broke, before we moved over to Nephi where we lived for the next 17 years or so. I got divorced, remarried and ended up back over here in Sanpete County with Ken. Ashli ended up in Moroni with Mack, and here we are. Right back where we started:) Running into faces we saw 20 years ago.

Then there's also Kellie who used to work with Ken. Happens to be on Ashli's team. Small world.

And Roxanne, who was Ken's neighbor for 18 years before his divorce. She cut my hair for our wedding.

She was reffing Ashli's game.

I took this picture of Ash without even realizing that our friends, who aren't on Ashli's team, were in the background. Ashli's dad knew ShaRane years ago, but she is also a good friend of Ken's kids, so I know ShaRane better now than I did when I was married to Ashli's dad. And Julie is one of the people I love most here in Ephraim. I met her at Maverik, but she's also in my ward and I think THE WORLD of Julie. I love her:)

You seriously can't go anywhere in this county without having some kind of connection to SOMEONE. It's actually pretty great. I'm sure it means everyone knows everything about everyone. But whatever. I really do love it here:)

Imperfection

I struggle sometimes.

Because people in the Church aren't perfect.

My friend needed her gas stove lit Friday night.

She is disabled.

Traumatic brain injury.

No husband.

She called the Bishop.

He said he didn't have a gas stove so he didn't know how to light one.

Didn't know anyone in the ward who had a gas stove.

So I gave her the phone number of the Relief Society President.

Ah:)

She said "My husband and I will be right over."

And there it is.

Women were blessed with compassion.

We can be the MEANEST people on this earth to each other.

Or we can be the most loving.

I choose the latter.

My beautiful little visiting teacher just left my house.

I have generally had a huge dislike for the visiting teaching program.

But this woman..

She's different.

She like really LOVES me.

I'm not a number to cross off on her list.

She cries when she comes to visit.

She buys butterfly things when she sees them

Because she knows I'd like them.

She loves me.

It's new.

I like it.

The Clothesline Project

So my daughter, Ashli, works at a residential treatment center for young men ages 12-18. It has profoundly changed her life, and consequently, mine. She has learned communication and coping skills that have made the past year not only bearable, but ultimately beautiful for me. Tonight she asked me to go with her to see the display of "The Clothesline Project" at UVU in Orem. I would be missing a math quiz at college, but hearing her describe the display, I knew it would be well worth it.

And it was.

Victims of violence, emotional and sexual abuse write or paint on t-shirts, saying whatever it is they want to say. Some of the shirts are pretty raw and painful to read. Some of them I actually couldn't read. The organizers don't censor the shirts at all, and you don't exactly leave the event with a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Someone had made a shirt for Lori Hacking, with a tiny little onesie attached to the larger t-shirt. That one was pretty powerful.

I didn't start to cry until "Rockit", the secretary of the Central Utah chapter of BACA, started speaking at the podium. She described a time when her BACA chapter was in court with a 5 year old girl. She was afraid to walk down the hall to the bathroom because her father was seated in the hallway. So the bikers formed a circle around her and escorted her down the hall. I cried when I heard that. Every child needs a circle around them. Every child needs to feel safe. Far, far too many are not safe, not loved, not protected. It is impossible for me to articulate everything I felt as I looked at the hundreds of t-shirts on display. I only know that I was there for a reason. The things that have occurred in my life have occurred for a reason and I can't stop thinking about this tonight. Everyone we meet is fighting some kind of battle.

I must find a way to make a difference for someone in some small way every day.

SO many people have made a difference for me this past year.

Ashli and Mack insisted that I move in with them exactly a year ago this week.

Instead of me sitting alone in my apartment crying every single night.

They brought me back to life.

It wasn't easy for them. To have mom living there. Crying every single night. But they did it anyway.

Tami listened to me cry any time I needed to. No matter what time of the day or night. Jeanie sent me flowers on a particularly rough day.

Steve and Bob flirted with me and made me feel like a girl again.

Lisa checked up on me via text, facebook message or blog comment to make sure I was doing ok.

Grandma sent me money.

The list goes on and on.

I thought my life was over.

And I had a circle around me making damn sure that it wasn't.

I didn't really have that when I was younger.

I'm glad I have it now.

And I hope I can be in someone's circle when they really need it.

Pre-Easter Bash

Ken bought us a couple of dutch ovens Saturday (Finally! Every season when we dig through our respective boxes of stuff, we find that there's something else we don't have.) Anyway... back to the point. So we planned to make dutch oven chicken on Sunday and invite the kids over. This stuff is super scary for me. I'm afraid someone won't get along and it will be awkward. But I should not worry!! Ken and I both have amazing kids and Sunday with the blended families was awesome:) I finally got to hold Rylee for the first time. Yay:)
Prior to our 1:00 scheduled dutch oven, Ken got called out to Eureka to fix a cable problem. Boo!! It was General Conference, so people really wanted their TVs working. But we had to move the dutch oven to 4:00.

This is how thrilled I am when he gets called out on the weekends. He's only on call every 5th week, but I still hate it:(

Haiden will be having a little sister this summer, so he holds his new little cousin to practice:)

The bright side of Ken getting called to Eureka was that Zack was being the Easter Bunny on his last day at the Payson Wal-Mart. So I went up and got my picture taken with the cute little stinker. He's working for his dad this summer and living in Tooele with Tami. Then here to Ephraim for school in the fall. Yay!

Yup. This is my favorite picture. Rylee reminds me so much of Ashli when she was a baby. Dang, I love Ashli. She's an amazing person. I know it isn't easy for my kids that Ken has grandkids, but they are very gracious and good about it, and everybody is just really making this work for everybody else. We have an amazing family:)

Rylee Ann

Brace yourself... this is going to be a long one.

Ken's daughter went to the hospital Sunday night to get induced Monday morning, which was her due date. She was on Pitocin all day Monday, and never got beyond a 2, so they decided to do a c-section Tuesday morning at 8:00. The doctor finally got to the hospital at 10:00 and they decided to do it at 4:00 that afternoon. It's a small hospital and apparently the operating room was still in use from a 2:00 exploratory surgery so they pushed the c-section to 6:40 PM, following yet another surgery.. an emergency removal of a "foreign object". We have no idea what the foreign object was. I had to work at 6:00, and we called to have someone cover for me, but noone was available to do it. So I went to work and waited to hear from Ken.

At 6:48, I got the text that she was here!

8 pounds 3 ounces, 19 1/2 inches, tons of hair. Mom and baby doing great. Woohoo!!!!

Isn't she exquisite?? Just perfect.

Reminds me so much of Ashli when she was born.

And that brings me to this....

Our families, Ken and mine both, have been through HELL this past year. I never, ever imagined that anyone other than Ashli, Zack and Tyler would bring grandchildren into my life. And I feel disloyal to them getting excited about the birth of this beautiful baby girl.

But my husband is so proud and I love him so much and I can't help but be so glad that Rylee is a part of our lives. It's so complicated and I hate my ex-husband for putting us all in a position where it has to be difficult. Ken is in the same position. His ex-wife wasn't welcome at the hospital the past few days. And it broke my heart for her, even though I understand why her family feels the way they do. She married the guy she started seeing when she was married to Ken, and her kids are dealing with the breakup of their family in the best way each of them can. Ironically, Ken and I are doing the best of all of us in this whole thing, and we were the ones whose lives were destroyed by our former spouses just a year ago.

Ken is amazing. He has 9 kids now, including mine, and only 3 of them are his actual biological kids. But he loves them all exactly the same. Yesterday when he was leaving his daughter's room for the last time before she went to surgery, he kissed her forehead and I was flooded with emotion. He's been in her life since she was a little girl, and it's been a rocky road sometimes. He loves her so much, and he's such a great Dad to all of the kids. I'm so blessed to have met him and married him and I love being a part of his family, even when I don't know exactly where I fit in sometimes.

Now back to Rylee..

She's so alert, isn't she?

Beautiful baby.

And this is my favorite of all the pictures they took last night. I love the way she looks at her Dad. I would never have imagined he'd be so cute with a girl. He and the boys are all boy and this is a side of him I love.

Ah... here goes the rest of our lives.

Still some curves ahead, but we're finding our normal one step at a time.

:)

I shouldn't have worried. Ken's daughter was so wonderful to me yesterday at the hospital. She was very gracious and sweet, and it was a good day. The baby didn't come and there may be a c-section in the works today:( But I had an amazing dream last night where my Mom, who died in 1987, handed me a baby in a car seat with the car seat cover I had given Ken's daughter yesterday. It gave me hope that all will be well today with the little one and that Mom is close by.

New Grandbaby....

Ken's daughter is having a baby tomorrow. Her third. Her first girl. They're starting her at 8:00 in the morning. And I'm a nervous wreck. He wants me there with him while he's waiting for the baby to come. But I'm not sure she wants me there. I will certainly stay out of the way, not go in her room or anything. But I'm sure her mom will be there. And her mom HATES me! I came into the picture months after she and Ken got divorced. She wanted the divorce. She got remarried before Ken and I got married. But she hates me anyway. She calls me hurtful, insulting names and I am so dreading being in the same room with her. Dreading it to the point of crying and having anxiety and staying home from church today with a massive headache. Ugh. I have no idea where I fit in this family, I don't know my role and I don't want to offend anyone. But I want to be there for Ken. And hang with the boys who are about to get a baby sister.

I had these T-shirts made for them at the mall last night. Aren't they cute? The boys are really, really good to me. Kids are awesome. So I'm excited to see them. Let them play a little Angry Birds on my iPod and stuff. But I'm a nervous wreck. Hope all goes well with the delivery, Mom and baby will be healthy, and Grandpa will have a wonderful experience tomorrow. And that I'll get through it the best I can!!

You Matter to Him

I have one of these. My daughter has one of these. My brothers have lots of these. My Dad has a few of these. My husband has three of these. We're Latter Day Saints and we're not supposed to have any of these.

But we do.

So today my daughter came to church with me. And a returned missionary was the speaker. He was talking about a guy in El Salvador that was covered in tattoos and piercings. And I was worried that my daughter was going to bolt. Run out the door. Until the RM said "....And he was one of the nicest guys you'd ever meet".

THANK YOU Elder Clark! We Christians need to be more like Christ. Accepting and loving to people. Even the people who make different choices than we do. Someone once said "If there's not a faint smell of tobacco in the chapel, then someone isn't doing their job". Yup. Let's all just do the best we can, ok? Be the best people we can be. And accept each other, warts and all.

The relief society lesson was from Elder Uchtdorf. Sorry, Dieter. I know I spelled that incorrectly. Entitled "You Matter to Him".

I can't get it to post on here the way I want it to, but you can copy and paste it and read it. It's a good one. http://www.lds.org/ensign/2011/11/you-matter-to-him?lang=eng

Did I mention that my daughter came to church with me?

Happy Mom here.

The Older Couple

Someone called us an "Older Couple" last night. WTH???? I guess we are. But wow. When did I become an "older" person??? Grrrr....

I Saw a Sage....

Twice in the past few months I have had the absolutely wonderful experience of running into my FAVORITE teacher, Bill Green. Tonight we talked for over an hour, and he shared some insight gained from another of our mutual friends, who said "A mother is only as happy as her saddest child." Truer words were never spoken.

Spoons

I like plastic spoons. I don't mind metal forks, and metal knives are actually essential to a positive eating experience, as the plastic ones are completely useless except for the spreading of extremely soft butter. But the spoons... MUST be plastic. I keep a drawer full of them. I particularly like it when there is a wrapped one in the drawer.
I believe this is probably the best use for metal spoons. Thank you. That is all.

.... To Be Loved....

SO.... I've been kind of an emotional wreck lately.

Lots going on. Both good and bad.

And it ALL came to a head on Thursday.

In Ken's truck.

Someone on the phone said something mean about me.

Really mean.

Hurtful.

And I know in my head that she said it just to hurt me.

She got the reaction she wanted.

But I took it badly.

Took it out on Ken.

It wasn't very pretty.

But he took it like a man.

Held me while I had my three days of insanity.

And stuck with me through a rough time.

Gave me space when I thought I needed it.

Gave me hugs when he KNEW I needed it.

AND..... took me shopping!!!!

I've been hitting the gym pretty hard lately.

Doing the "Couch to 10K" app on my iPod.

Love it:)

So Ken bought me some new shoes.

My old Nikes got me through the first 40 pounds of

my weight loss journey this past year.

Now I have some new shoes to get me through the next phase!!

But in the meantime, he wanted me to feel good about who I am NOW.

So he took me shopping for all of the things girls love.

$350 worth of clothes from the mall. Yes, I KNOW I need to branch out from all black.

But baby steps here, ok?

A new makeup bag. The CUTEST one EVER!!! I wasn't even there when he got that. Chose it himself:) Yay!

My all-time FAVE perfume.

Some from Bath-n-Body, so I don't use the whole bottle of good stuff in a week.

Jenny Phillips CD. Jewelry. Butterfly jewelry box.

Naked Bee lotion. My favorite. Forgot to put it in the picture.

Lunch at Red Robin because he made me promise to go off of my hunger strike.

And here it is. Sometimes I just don't know how to let him love me. We girls get it in our heads that we're not worth loving unless we weigh 100 pounds, are never in a bad mood, cook perfect meals and keep a perfectly clean house. How great would it be if we just sat back and saw ourselves the way they see us? He loves me because I love him. He loves me because I'm smart and funny and I strive to be a good person. He loves me because I am a good Mom and a good wife and we enjoy spending time together. I can't cook. But he can. I don't weigh 100 pounds. But he loves me anyway. I'm not always in a good mood. But he sticks with me through good and bad. Just like he promised to do when he married me. I think, for now, I'm just going to believe the things he tells me. That I'm beautiful and that he loves me for exactly who I am. And maybe I'll even start to believe it.

Too Excited To Sleep

Yeah.. We Leave Tomorrow:)

First stop the Excalibur in Vegas

Then on to The Happiest Place on Earth.

Yay!!!

Melt Down

Not sure why I chose this picture

Of all the pictures of us.

I just love how happy Ken looks here.

It was just a day.

A Saturday.

He came up to Payson to see me at work.

And Santa Thane was there.

So we got our picture taken.

Just a day.

And I think I realize now that this is what I love the most

About Ken.

Just the days.

The days when he just hangs out with me

Because I'm me

And there's noone he'd rather be with.

I had a meltdown this morning.

I miss my kids.

They love their Dad's girlfriend.

That's hard for me.

I'M their Mom, dammit!!!!

I try to understand.

And in my head,

I DO understand.

But in my heart....

ah, my heart.

Ken fixes it.

Holds me when I cry.

Tells me I'm a good Mom.

That they love me.

And time will help.

I'd be lost without him.

Please, God, never let me forget

How blessed I am

To have found this amazing man.

Never let me take him for granted.

Strength

My beautiful little daughter is having a miscarriage.

My heart is breaking.

It's been a few days now.

They didn't do a D&C

So she's just going through it.

Labor pains, cramping, bleeding

With no reward of a baby at the end.

And she has SUCH a good attitude.

I can't believe how strong she is.

Wow.

I am humbled by what great people my children are.

In spite of the hell their parents have put them through.

I am so blessed.

More than I deserve.

Big Changes....

Big Changes at Casa Carlson....

I retired my Blackberry and went back to my trusty old LG phone.

I love this phone.

It's easy to navigate and simple to use.

And it only costs $10 a month.

No big fancy data package.

I get free internet at home~

A perk of living with the cable guy.

So why do I need a data package on my phone? Hmmm..

I am smarter than my smart phone.

Yay me!

And.... when I started using the old phone today

I found all my old texts that I saved from when Ken and I first met

And started dating.

Awe...

Nice to have those back again.

Second big change...

I gave my notice today at Wal-Mart.

Really tough decision.

It's been a great job.

But it's a two-hour commute for me.

For very little money.

I loved it.

I loved seeing Zack every day.

But it was costing more in gas money than it was worth.

And I was gone from home 12 hours a day.

So I'll be working full time at Maverik here in Ephraim.

A couple blocks from home.

Yay!

Still making very little money.

But no commute.

And it's a lot of fun.

Seeing the college kids.

Catching the scoop on the outrageous number of crimes

Occuring in our little county lately.

Wow.

I love working there:)

And the new semester starts Monday.

I procrastinated my math classes.

So I still have two more semesters to my

Associates Degree

and then on to my Bachelors

I love school.

Life is good:)