You Matter to Him

I have one of these. My daughter has one of these. My brothers have lots of these. My Dad has a few of these. My husband has three of these. We're Latter Day Saints and we're not supposed to have any of these.

But we do.

So today my daughter came to church with me. And a returned missionary was the speaker. He was talking about a guy in El Salvador that was covered in tattoos and piercings. And I was worried that my daughter was going to bolt. Run out the door. Until the RM said "....And he was one of the nicest guys you'd ever meet".

THANK YOU Elder Clark! We Christians need to be more like Christ. Accepting and loving to people. Even the people who make different choices than we do. Someone once said "If there's not a faint smell of tobacco in the chapel, then someone isn't doing their job". Yup. Let's all just do the best we can, ok? Be the best people we can be. And accept each other, warts and all.

The relief society lesson was from Elder Uchtdorf. Sorry, Dieter. I know I spelled that incorrectly. Entitled "You Matter to Him".

I can't get it to post on here the way I want it to, but you can copy and paste it and read it. It's a good one. http://www.lds.org/ensign/2011/11/you-matter-to-him?lang=eng

Did I mention that my daughter came to church with me?

Happy Mom here.

The Older Couple

Someone called us an "Older Couple" last night. WTH???? I guess we are. But wow. When did I become an "older" person??? Grrrr....

I Saw a Sage....

Twice in the past few months I have had the absolutely wonderful experience of running into my FAVORITE teacher, Bill Green. Tonight we talked for over an hour, and he shared some insight gained from another of our mutual friends, who said "A mother is only as happy as her saddest child." Truer words were never spoken.

Spoons

I like plastic spoons. I don't mind metal forks, and metal knives are actually essential to a positive eating experience, as the plastic ones are completely useless except for the spreading of extremely soft butter. But the spoons... MUST be plastic. I keep a drawer full of them. I particularly like it when there is a wrapped one in the drawer.
I believe this is probably the best use for metal spoons. Thank you. That is all.

.... To Be Loved....

SO.... I've been kind of an emotional wreck lately.

Lots going on. Both good and bad.

And it ALL came to a head on Thursday.

In Ken's truck.

Someone on the phone said something mean about me.

Really mean.

Hurtful.

And I know in my head that she said it just to hurt me.

She got the reaction she wanted.

But I took it badly.

Took it out on Ken.

It wasn't very pretty.

But he took it like a man.

Held me while I had my three days of insanity.

And stuck with me through a rough time.

Gave me space when I thought I needed it.

Gave me hugs when he KNEW I needed it.

AND..... took me shopping!!!!

I've been hitting the gym pretty hard lately.

Doing the "Couch to 10K" app on my iPod.

Love it:)

So Ken bought me some new shoes.

My old Nikes got me through the first 40 pounds of

my weight loss journey this past year.

Now I have some new shoes to get me through the next phase!!

But in the meantime, he wanted me to feel good about who I am NOW.

So he took me shopping for all of the things girls love.

$350 worth of clothes from the mall. Yes, I KNOW I need to branch out from all black.

But baby steps here, ok?

A new makeup bag. The CUTEST one EVER!!! I wasn't even there when he got that. Chose it himself:) Yay!

My all-time FAVE perfume.

Some from Bath-n-Body, so I don't use the whole bottle of good stuff in a week.

Jenny Phillips CD. Jewelry. Butterfly jewelry box.

Naked Bee lotion. My favorite. Forgot to put it in the picture.

Lunch at Red Robin because he made me promise to go off of my hunger strike.

And here it is. Sometimes I just don't know how to let him love me. We girls get it in our heads that we're not worth loving unless we weigh 100 pounds, are never in a bad mood, cook perfect meals and keep a perfectly clean house. How great would it be if we just sat back and saw ourselves the way they see us? He loves me because I love him. He loves me because I'm smart and funny and I strive to be a good person. He loves me because I am a good Mom and a good wife and we enjoy spending time together. I can't cook. But he can. I don't weigh 100 pounds. But he loves me anyway. I'm not always in a good mood. But he sticks with me through good and bad. Just like he promised to do when he married me. I think, for now, I'm just going to believe the things he tells me. That I'm beautiful and that he loves me for exactly who I am. And maybe I'll even start to believe it.

Too Excited To Sleep

Yeah.. We Leave Tomorrow:)

First stop the Excalibur in Vegas

Then on to The Happiest Place on Earth.

Yay!!!

Melt Down

Not sure why I chose this picture

Of all the pictures of us.

I just love how happy Ken looks here.

It was just a day.

A Saturday.

He came up to Payson to see me at work.

And Santa Thane was there.

So we got our picture taken.

Just a day.

And I think I realize now that this is what I love the most

About Ken.

Just the days.

The days when he just hangs out with me

Because I'm me

And there's noone he'd rather be with.

I had a meltdown this morning.

I miss my kids.

They love their Dad's girlfriend.

That's hard for me.

I'M their Mom, dammit!!!!

I try to understand.

And in my head,

I DO understand.

But in my heart....

ah, my heart.

Ken fixes it.

Holds me when I cry.

Tells me I'm a good Mom.

That they love me.

And time will help.

I'd be lost without him.

Please, God, never let me forget

How blessed I am

To have found this amazing man.

Never let me take him for granted.

Strength

My beautiful little daughter is having a miscarriage.

My heart is breaking.

It's been a few days now.

They didn't do a D&C

So she's just going through it.

Labor pains, cramping, bleeding

With no reward of a baby at the end.

And she has SUCH a good attitude.

I can't believe how strong she is.

Wow.

I am humbled by what great people my children are.

In spite of the hell their parents have put them through.

I am so blessed.

More than I deserve.

Big Changes....

Big Changes at Casa Carlson....

I retired my Blackberry and went back to my trusty old LG phone.

I love this phone.

It's easy to navigate and simple to use.

And it only costs $10 a month.

No big fancy data package.

I get free internet at home~

A perk of living with the cable guy.

So why do I need a data package on my phone? Hmmm..

I am smarter than my smart phone.

Yay me!

And.... when I started using the old phone today

I found all my old texts that I saved from when Ken and I first met

And started dating.

Awe...

Nice to have those back again.

Second big change...

I gave my notice today at Wal-Mart.

Really tough decision.

It's been a great job.

But it's a two-hour commute for me.

For very little money.

I loved it.

I loved seeing Zack every day.

But it was costing more in gas money than it was worth.

And I was gone from home 12 hours a day.

So I'll be working full time at Maverik here in Ephraim.

A couple blocks from home.

Yay!

Still making very little money.

But no commute.

And it's a lot of fun.

Seeing the college kids.

Catching the scoop on the outrageous number of crimes

Occuring in our little county lately.

Wow.

I love working there:)

And the new semester starts Monday.

I procrastinated my math classes.

So I still have two more semesters to my

Associates Degree

and then on to my Bachelors

I love school.

Life is good:)

Best Christmas Gift EVER!!!

Yes, it's true.

I'm going to be a GRANDMA:)

Ashli and Mack wrapped this card up in a box, and it was

the last gift we opened on Christmas night.

BEST Christmas gift EVER!!!!

He TOTALLY gets it:)

SO.... I collect bears.

I put them under the Christmas tree every year.

I wasn't going to do it this year.

Most of them were won by my former spouse at Lagoon, the Stampede

or whatever.

I threw some away when I moved out last year.

Put the rest in storage

And planned to throw them away...

eventually.

When I was ready.

And then my NEW spouse (I love you, baby!)

and I decided to decorate for Christmas this past week.

Went to the storage unit

And mice had gotten into one box of my bears:(

Didn't think I'd be as sad as I was.

We threw them away.

Then that very night,

Ken got me these!!!

Yay:) Starting all over again

With bears that look just us on our wedding day!!!

My colors were red, white and black

And these bears are a perfect way

To start our first Christmas together.

Isn't he great?

I love him.

Yup... I'm a Married Woman:)

There are really no words.

I love this man.

He makes the bad days good and the good days better.

He makes me want to live again.

Our wedding was beautiful.

I have so much more to say.

But we're SO busy!

When life slows down a little,

I'll tell you all about my new life

..as Mrs Ken Carlson:)

The Wedding Bands

Yes I have become a lazy blogger.
SO BUSY!!!
School.
Work.

Tanning Bed.

Zumba.

Wedding Plans.

:)

No time to blog.
But I noticed my last post was about Ken's terribly un-romantic proposal.
So I have to post about picking up the wedding bands.
He won't let me put a picture up yet.

Til after the wedding.

But our wedding bands are...
GORGEOUS!!!
We picked them up on a Tuesday.

Yay for Tuesdays!

I had looked at bands the previous weekend with Zack.

Just stopped in to Zales to check them out.

And there was one band that was like TWICE as expensive as the others.

So I didn't even try it on.

But it was my favorite one.

Of course.

Yup.. on that Tuesday..

I didn't even ask to look at THAT band.

I found one I liked.

Then he saw THAT one.

Asked the saleslady to take it out.

I tried it on.

With my diamond.

It was perfect.

He bought it for me:)

I love it.

I love him.
I love my life.
Even on Tuesdays:)

We shared a Hawaiian Heart Throb smoothie at Red Robin to celebrate after we picked up our bands.
And now we're just 12 days away!!!!

Ok... here it is.. the Proposal

It was the second least romantic proposal I've ever had...

But I love him anyway:)

We were watching Grease 2 .

On cable.

Sitting on his couch.

He was in jeans and the top to his garments.
Sexy, right?

LOL.

He walked into the other room and came back with a bag from Zales.

Said "I bought you a present today"

And handed me the bag.

Yup..

That was it...

I opened the bag, expecting like a necklace or something.

Diamond ring.

I mean, we had talked about it extensively.
I knew it was coming.
Even talked dates and locales.
But I still thought he might be a little bit creative about it.

Tonight he asked me for a do-over.

But I was a bit PMS'ey earlier in the day.
And I'm afraid if I hand the ring back to him

I'll never see it again.

That the PMS was enough to change his mind.

So the original proposal stands.
Still talking dates and locales.

Still telling all of the 9 kids and 9 grandkids we have between us.

Thinking about 11/11/11.

So he'd never forget our anniversary.

But it's still up in the air.

Double Rainbow

There was a beautiful double rainbow outside last night.

I was downstairs getting ready to go to the gym.

Ashli took this picture and texted it to me.

Awe:)

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things....

1. Sharing the iPod headphones on motorcycle rides.

2. Kisses on my forehead.

3. Roses for no reason:)

Derby/Football

Derby in Sanpete.

Huge.

Lottery to get tickets.

It's Friday night.

The night of the Juab-Grantsville football game.

All my brothers and sisters will be there.

He will be there too.

He gave away his Derby ticket.

Wow:)

This is a pretty big deal.....

:)

Just a little photo to prove that he's real:)

Had a great weekend.

He made pasta salad.

All by himself.

Cut the vegetables and everything:)

Awe....

:(

Tyler is playing football in Cedar City tonight

And I'm not there..

We worked too late to make the drive

And I have to work at 6 in the morning

But I didn't realize I would be this bummed

About missing the first game of his Senior year:(

Awe:) He watched a chick flick with me and Ashli tonight while Mack was at work.

"Something Borrowed"

He hated it.

But stuck it out til the better end

And then we watched LA Ink.

He taped the 11:00 episode so we can watch it tomorrow.

How convenient to have the cable guy here to record shows for us.

Yeah.. he's the cable guy.

I met him when he came to install our cable when I moved in with Ashli after I got divorced.

Weird huh?

I like him.

Olive Garden?

ME: "My son wiped out that power pole in his truck. "

HIM: "That was your son? I had to climb up and replace the cables on the new pole when it happened."

ME: "Oh, wow. How much did I pay you for that?"

HIM: "Enough for me to take you to the Olive Garden on Saturday."

Awe:) Cutest way I've EVER been asked on a date.

He's awesome.

Keeping details to a minimum for now.

See how it plays out.

But the motorcycle ride over the Nebo Loop was beautiful:)

The light at the end of the tunnel may in fact NOT be an oncoming train after all!

My daughter....

I started therapy yesterday.

I cried when I talked about Ashli.

I told him I feel like the roles are reversed right now.

Like she's mothering me instead of me being her Mom.

I said "She shouldn't have to do this"

He said the most beautiful words I've ever heard....

"She doesn't HAVE to"

Enough

I have devoted ENOUGH of my time, energy and emotions to the homewrecker. If she wants to add his last name to the four she's already had, so be it. I have to move on. I have to picture something else every time I close my eyes.

Incidentally, why do we women continue to love the man himself but hate the woman? This is so sick and wrong. He's the one I should be hating. Damn, I wish I could.

And.. you will all be delighted to know that I will be starting therapy on Thursday. Finally. I have needed this for the past year, but thought I couldn't afford it. Ashli pulled some strings, made some calls, and I will meet with the amazing Todd to begin the most important phase of this healing process.

Oh, I Forgot....

I learned something once

A long time ago

And I forgot about it

Until today

When Zack was in the Newborn ICU

I learned that someone else

Always has it worse than I do.

Even though Zack was sick

And we couldn't take him home

He was still alive.

And we were grateful.

And now things kind of suck sometimes.

I don't have a husband.

But I have a lot of amazing people who love me.

I don't have a home.

But I have kids who have welcomed me into their beautiful new home.

And let me have the pink room:)

While I get back on my feet.

And today I remembered the lesson I learned 19 years ago.

My friend lost her only sister today.

They lost their only brother a few years ago.

It breaks my heart.

She has it worse than I do.

So I vow to look on the bright side

And be thankful for the great things in my life:)

It could be a whole lot worse....

Right?

Ugh.....

I'm not all that interested in dating.

But my friend did send me this "Zoosk" invite thing, so I signed up for it.

And Zoosk sent me a message yesterday morning that they found the PERFECT MATCH for me!!! So I clicked on it and discovered that Zoosk found me a man just 40 miles away.

A year older than I am.

A Yankees fan.

3 kids, just like me.

Wow. Perfect.

So I got to read all about

KURT14

from Nephi, Utah. UGH!!!!

Thanks, Zoosk.

I disabled that account.

In real life, I've made a few minor decisions about the kind of guy I'd like to date

IF I ever decide to date again.

This has happened strictly through the process of elimination.

1. He must be unmarried. Not just separated. Not just unhappy in his marriage. Not merely "thinking about becoming single." He must really be single.

2. He must be younger than my father.

3. He must not purposely ingest carcinogens. I lost my Mom to cancer.

So there you go. Short list.

June 30

Would have been our 22nd anniversary today.

So I made some big plans to meet my awesome California cousins in Mesquite this past week. Got the time off work, made the hotel reservations.

Then I had to buy a new A/C condenser for my car.

$140.

Could NOT have handled the Nevada heat without A/C.

Could NOT afford the trip after paying for the condenser.

So...I went camping. My new favorite cheap hobby.

I just went to Payson Lake this time.

10 miles from work.

Made friends with the little creatures.

Decided to make myself a new hiking stick.

My knife closed on my finger when I was taking this little protrusion off my stick.

Ow:(

Apparently I left my EMT bag in the Cougar when I traded Zack cars last week.

So I improvised and found something in my bag that worked as a bandage. lol.
It rained a lot so I cut my trip short. :(

And ended up back in civilization on the dreaded day.
But I'm OK.
It will be easier next year.

But this year it sucks.

The Sunshine Award

Woohoo! Ashli nominated me for this blog award:) Yay me!!

The rules of this award are:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award and link back to them

2. Tell us something about yourself

3. Nominate 5 other bloggers.

4. Let them know you awarded them.

Thank you Ashli:)

mackandash.blogspot.com

A little bit about me....

I am a Mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend.

I am stronger than I thought I could be.

I am pleased with the person I am becoming.

I am OK:)

I award:

1. Krista

thehutchinsfamily-krista.blogspot.com

2. Krystine

krystinecorner.blogspot.com

3. Marcy

thecurtisfamily.blogspot.com

4. Jacquie

dropdeadj.blogspot.com

5. Jennie

mikejencaleea2010.blogspot.com

First Camping Trip of 2011

I love camping. But it's always the busiest time of year for Kurt at work and we never did go camping as much as either of us would have liked to.

So I'm determined to go as often as I can now.

Before I'm too old to enjoy the mountains.

I work every weekend at Wal-Mart, so my camping trips will be mid-week when I have a day off the next morning.

June 7 was the first one this year.

LOVED IT!!!!!

It isn't summer until I've seen my waterfall.

Here it is from last year.

And here it is from June 7.

SO SCARY how fast and furious the muddy water was forcefully crashing down the waterfall. I'm pretty worried about how our world is going to look within the next few weeks when even more snow comes off the mountains.

I wanted to camp at Payson Lake, but the campground isn't open yet, so I went to Nephi Canyon. It is getting beautiful and green again after the Salt Creek Fire raged through there in 2007.

Chose the Cottonwood Campground because it is FREE! Yay:)

Got settled in for the night as soon as the sun went down because I forgot to take a flashlight. No, I didn't forget. I knew there was a lantern in the camping box. I just didn't know the bottom half of the lantern was missing; the half that holds the batteries. lol.

I was very smart about my first camping adventure as a single girl.

Set up my own tent:)

Camped 100 steps from the bathroom.

Close enough to get there quickly, but far enough that I wouldn't have to smell the place all night.



And only cried a teeny tiny little bit when I thought about other camping trips and time around the campfire.

I love camping!

But I also love getting in a hot shower and putting makeup on when I'm done!