Dear Diary

Disclaimer: This is about to get really personal, so if you  don't care to delve that deeply into my heart and soul, click the red x in the upper right. Thanks.

 I have been a Latter Day Saint since my Dad baptized me on July 3, 1976. It's all I've ever known. I've never doubted for one second that Joseph Smith knelt in the Sacred Grove and physically saw God and Jesus Christ. I have always believed that Families are Forever if you are sealed in the temple. My daughter's temple wedding was one of the greatest days of my life.

But when my own temple marriage crumbled after 22 years, I started to question everything I believed in. I didn't even know who I was. I had defined myself as a wife and mother for so long, I didn't even know how to live. My sons were 19 and 17, and we let them choose.

They chose their Dad.

It was devastating. I woke up one day and I had lost everything.What kind of God does that? What kind of God lets that happen? But my daughter was ruthless in making me heal. She mothered me and brought me back to life. She didn't talk to her Dad for a whole year. She basically sent her husband Mack with a horse trailer to pick up my stuff from the little two bedroom apartment I shared with NOBODY and made me move in with her, so she wouldn't worry every night about me crying myself to sleep. Our testimonies floundered. We were hurting. We didn't understand and we weren't all that happy with our Heavenly Father.

 And then..I met a man. I fell in love. He'd been in 4 bishoprics before his temple marriage of 24 years fell apart the same way mine did. He was hurting, too. We were soul mates. I moved in with him a month before our wedding. I got a tattoo. I was blissfully happy. But we missed the Church. So ten days after our wedding, we went and talked to our bishop. Told him all the gory details. We had a church court. We were put on probation for an unspecified period. The bishop said it would continue until he felt like we were ready. We had some stuff we had to take care of. And we did every little thing that was asked of us. We knew we wouldn't be able to go back to the temple for a year, but we needed SOMETHING. We couldn't pray in meetings or answer questions in class or take the sacrament, and we had to meet with the bishop  every other Sunday. We paid our tithing, went to our meetings and still we were ostracized and put on display month after month after month when we had to pass the sacrament tray down without taking it. On Easter Sunday, all of our meetings talked about the Atonement. We were six months into our probation then, and we thought some little privilege would finally be restored to us then. Sacrament or the ability to pray or bear our testimonies or answer questions or SOMETHING. I mean, the Savior met us halfway, right? We felt really strongly that we had done what was asked of us and Jesus Christ did the rest. We met with the bishop that day and he said we weren't ready for any of those things to be returned to us. We haven't been to church since. Two weeks ago, we decided to try going back, but we only stayed for sacrament meeting, and we didn't feel loved or welcome or anything, so here we are.

My oldest nephew, Maveric, baptized one of my younger nephews, Logan, yesterday. Mav is going on a mission to Puerto Rico in August and I'm so proud of him. As I am of Logan for choosing to be baptized and for my sister, Tawni, for taking her three little boys to church when they got old enough to start asking to go. It's not easy for her, and she's a great Mom.

My oldest son Zack  is older than Mav, and I thought I would be bummed that he wasn't the one to baptize Logan. But I really wasn't bummed about it. I'm proud of Zack for being who he is, and it's OK that he didn't go on a mission. It's OK that he isn't an Elder, and it's even OK if he doesn't get married in the temple. My life looks nothing like it did 5 years ago, and  I actually feel a peace that I haven't felt for a long time. People are charting their own course in this family and in this life, and I love them for who they are. I want them to be good people and live Christian lives, but if they do that in their own way, I'm OK with that.

The little cousins love Zack, and he's going to be a great Dad. He loves with his whole heart, and he's fun to be around. I'm so proud to be his Mom.

 An old high school acquaintance, Lee Imlay, is the bishop in Tawni's ward, and he teared up when he talked about the love and support he feels from our family. He said he felt a good spirit being around us. Tami is the only one of our seven siblings who is temple worthy, yet there is a strong spirit among us.

 If you look closely you can see an angel between Ashli and Kylie. Yeah, I know, it's just a dusty camera lens, but I like to think differently:) Our Mom would have been so happy to see us all there together yesterday, full of love for Logan and Mav and just happy to be all together.

 After the baptism, Ken and I got new matching tattoos. A lot of people won't understand that. It is a tattoo we have considered for a long time, and just recently finally found the perfect design. My family has deep celtic roots, and this tattoo honors that along with a heart to symbolize our love for each other.

I love it. I don't regret it at all.

Malissa took this picture for us after she finished up. Yeah, she rocks. She's covered in ink, pierced and dyed and she's one of my favorite people. She has a big heart, she loves her kids and her husband, and she makes me feel beautiful.

Yes, this is Wile E Coyote beneath our Celtic knot. He got it 32 years ago when he was in the Army. We thought about having Malissa do some amazing cover up work, but Ken's daughter, Jenny, says "NO!" It's part of who her Dad is. Nobody but Ken would have a Wile E Coyote tattoo  and she wants it to stay. So stay it will:)

Well... the Bishop called, and he'd like us to meet with him at 7:00 tonight. Ken is going. I'm not. I'm not ready.

:)

I shouldn't have worried. Ken's daughter was so wonderful to me yesterday at the hospital. She was very gracious and sweet, and it was a good day. The baby didn't come and there may be a c-section in the works today:( But I had an amazing dream last night where my Mom, who died in 1987, handed me a baby in a car seat with the car seat cover I had given Ken's daughter yesterday. It gave me hope that all will be well today with the little one and that Mom is close by.

Tuesday

I hate Tuesdays.

My Mom died on a Tuesday.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008 was the second worst day of my life.

My divorce was final last Tuesday.

I just found out today.

I hate Tuesdays.

Peace

I try to keep my blog upbeat as much as possible. Focus on the great things happening in my life right now.

Because there ARE a lot of great things happening in my life.

But some days still just suck.

Some days I still feel pretty worthless. If the person who knows me best doesn't love me anymore, how can anyone love me at all? Ever?

So last night was rough. I was feeling pretty low and sad and discouraged about the future.

On those days, I start with a prayer. Then ask God if I can talk to my Mom.

And if I'm still pretty despondent, I call someone. Usually Ashli or Tami.

They talk me through it.

I remember why it's important to keep going.

Why my life isn't over just because of the pain I'm in.

But last night, the prayer and talking to Mom were enough:)

Pretty sure Joey, Marv and Grandpa dropped by, too.

I asked God to direct me to a scripture that would help, and my Bible fell open to Isaiah 66.

"Rejoice ye with Jerusalem, and be glad with her, all ye that love her: rejoice for joy with her, all ye that mourn for her:

For thus saith the Lord, Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river....

As one whom his mother comforteth, so will I comfort you;

and ye shall be comforted in Jerusalem...

And when ye see this, your heart shall rejoice.."

I'm sure there is a plan for me. I'm sure God hasn't forgotten me.

I'm sure there is still something lovable in me.

And today after work, I get to go hang out with the people who love me even though they know every single thing about me, good and bad..

My beautiful sisters:)

Yay! I NEED this.

Day 18~ Your Favorite Birthday

40 is a big deal for us girls, because our Mom died when she was 39. My great-aunt Veloy died just before my 40th birthday, so I was in Tooele at Tami's house on my birthday, preparing to go up to Smithfield for the funeral. I got a makeover on my way to Tooele. Loved my new hair:) Went to see "Iron Man" at the Erda drive-in on my birthday with Tami and her kids.

~ Aunt Joey~

My Aunt JoAnne passed away this morning. I'm still in shock. All day I've been thinking it just can't be true. There are so many conversations that we never had. Things I thought we would sit down and say one day. And now "one day" will never come. Every single memory from my childhood has Joey and her kids in it. We were inseparable. We did everything together from Sunday dinners to Christmas Eve to summer vacations. When I was a little girl, I thought she was elegant. She dressed well, smelled good and knew just how to do Melissa's beautiful hair. When I was a teenager, I borrowed her clothes and her shoes, and when I broke the heel of her favorite black pumps, I thought she was going to kill me. She never did find a pair she liked as well as those. That's one of the conversations we never had. Joey, I'm sorry. For so many things. Thank you. For so many things. I love you. I'm sorry I haven't told you that for many, many years. I always thought I would tell you one day. During one of those conversations we were going to have. One day. Thank you for bringing my cousins into this world and for loving their children the way I know my Mom would have loved mine. Thank you for calling my baby sister last week and for taking her a gift when Lincoln was born. Thank you for making an effort to stay in touch with us even when we were all so busy and wrapped up in our lives that we didn't spend as much time with you as we should have. Thank you for buying us dresses and black patent shoes when we were little. You knew it was important. Thank you. Thank you for sitting us down at Sizzler and telling us we were too young to get married. We got married anyway. But thank you for worrying, for caring. Thank you for taking care of my sister-in-law when she was still with us. You weren't related to Teri, but you treated her like one of the family. Thank you.

And here is Joey with my Grandma at the birthday bash Joey planned to celebrate Grandma's 80th year on this earth. Grandma had lost her 2nd child 10 months prior to the party. And now she's lost her 3rd child. Along with 8 of her 9 brothers and sisters. Her parents. Her husband. Her 17 year old granddaughter. My heart absolutely breaks over and over again today for my dear Grandma. I will never understand why the hardest things happen to the strongest people. It doesn't seem fair that my Grandma has said goodbye to so many loved ones. She amazes me. When I called her this morning, we were both sobbing so hard we couldn't even understand what we were trying to say to each other. She's been through so much. And loved Joey so much. If anyone hurt JoAnne, they were NEVER forgiven by her Mama.

Joey, Grandma and some of the grandkids... There are so many wrapped in this hug, I can't tell who all is there...

Joey was always good to my Dad after Mom died. Her she is with my Dad and my cute little Granny, my Dad's Mom. We lost Granny last year on Thanksgiving Day. I hate November.

My Mom died on November 24, 1987. And now she has her little sister there with her. I'm actually a little bit jealous that Joey gets to see her again.


Because this man loved them enough to give them an eternal family. My Mom was 8 and Joey was 6 when Grandma met Larry Swenson. My biological grandfather, Ray Freston, and Grandma Becca divorced at a time when it was rare and very difficult for single women. But Grandpa came along and raised Becky and Joey as his own. When Ray passed away in 1977, Grandpa took a very pregnant Becky and a very pregnant JoAnne to the judge's chambers and adopted them, even though they were both grown up and married with families of their own. It was just a formality. They were his girls all along. And now he has them both, back with him where they always belonged. Grandpa left this earth on September 14, 1998, at 86 years of age.

Along with the boy they called their baby brother even though he was 6 1/2 feet tall. Marv died of leukemia on October 2, 2005. He didn't talk about his feelings much at all, but at Grandpa's funeral, he said something along the lines that his Dad was probably sitting on a porch swing with Becky. I like to think there are a few of them on that swing now.

And the only thing that has made me smile at all today is the thought of the reunion JoAnne had with her baby girl, Anna. Marianna died in a car accident when she was 17 years old~on April 19, 1999~and Joey was never the same. She talked about Anna all the time, and visited her grave often. And now the two of them will flit off to California to check on Maksi and the Sinkliers, walk along the beach and listen to Bono. For Joey, I am happy. I am certain she was welcomed by a crowd of people who have been waiting a long time to see her. For Zeke, John and all of the others who loved her so very much, I am sad. Thank you for what you brought to my life, Joey. I'll tell you. One day.

Day 4 ~ Tawni aka Puggy

Not really sure why Paul started calling Tawni "Pug", but that's her.. Pug, Puggy, Puglet.

Love my baby sister. She and Mark tried for so long to have their first baby and we were all so worried that she wouldn't be able to have kids. Now she has her hands full with her three little boys and she's a great Mom:) Tawni is a gentle soul and a sweet, loving girl. She was born on Paul's birthday and they've always had a special bond. So glad Mom and Dad decided to have just one more baby!

Day 4- Ted

I guess my parents ran out of people in the family to name their kids after by the 5th one. So my baby brother Robert Ted Callister was named after Mom's obstetrician, Robert Romney and our pediatrician, Ted Evans. lol. Ted's always been so funny. Keeps us all laughing. It's hard to stay mad at him because he ends up making us smile through our gritted teeth. He's got a beautiful little family and I'm so happy for him, Joey, Mikayla and Bowie. My favorite memory of Ted is that he hated going to school. Mom was pregnant every couple of years, so Ted would climb the neighbor's tree after the big kids went to school and there was no way our pregnant Mom could climb the tree and get him down. Not sure how she ever got him down, or IF she did, until school let out that afternoon. Little stinker. She probably couldn't stay mad at him, either!

Day 4- Paul aka Wog

Although he's 4 years younger than me, Paul has always seemed like my big brother. He has always been strong and determined in everything he does. Mom called him "Pauly Wog" and he ended up as Wog or Woggy, which we still call him today. My favorite thing about Paul and Michelle is that they just don't fit anybody's mold. They create their own path and allow their girls the freedom to do the same. I love that about them:) Paul is so good to me and my children and we all think the world of him. He's a good man. A good father. A great brother. And I love him more every single year.

Day 3

The blog topic for today is "Your Parents" so I'm re-posting an old post about my Mom. But I better add something about my Dad, too!!!

My Dad never forgets a birthday, anniversary or Valentine's Day.. He never fails to send a card to me, Kurt and the kids, complete with one of his ink stamps in the bottom corner by his signature. He sends facebook hearts, hugs and smiles every day. He's very talented. He can fix anything and we never had to call anyone from a plumber to a building contractor when I was growing up. He built the addition to our home, sewed a 3-piece suit and has rebuilt countless vehicles from the engine to the paint job. He is an amazing woodworker, and I love the gifts he creates for me.

When people tell me "You remind me of your Mom", I know it's just my physical appearance. Noone ever really stops and tells me "You remind me of your Mom because..." Here's what I'd like to hear...

Becky Callister was a passionate person. She loved, laughed, cried all with the same intensity. I inherited that from her. Tami inherited that from her. We do nothing halfway. When I'm mad, I'm not just a little upset... I'm MAD!! When I like a Christmas gift, I don't just smile and say "Thank you". I jump up and squeal and scream and act like it's the most amazing gift I've ever received.

Becky Callister was an avid sports fan. If we couldn't find her at Grandma's house, we'd check the ball park. She donated countless hours to Bobby Sox and Little League. She used to ump games and they'd give her one hamburger from the snack bar for every game she umped. So she'd stand there behind home plate on a Saturday, game after game, in the hot sun, until she got a hamburger for each of us kids.

All of Becky's kids have spent more than one summer vacation at softball or baseball tournaments with our own kids.

When I see Tami, Tara, Paul and Ted at ball games with their kids, weekend after weekend all summer, I remember Mom and Grandma Becca doing the same thing.

When we were younger, before cable TV and the Turner networks, you either liked the Dodgers or the Yankees, because they were the only teams you ever saw play on TV. So, Mom was a Yankees fan, Grandma Becca was a Yankees fan, I married a Yankees fan and gave birth to three little Yankees fans.

Even Tara and Tawni's kids are getting old enough to play ball now.

Zack bought Logan his first baseball bat for his birthday this year. Mom would be so proud:)

My Mom was always too busy taking care of other people to take care of herself. I don't think I ever saw her wearing makeup. When she'd need to get her hair done, she'd have Judy Ault cut it short and perm it so it was low maintenance. She was just too busy to worry about hair and makeup when there were places to go, people to see and kids to watch at ball games or spelling bees. Until she got sick, I don't remember seeing my Mom actually sleeping. Sometimes she'd doze off in a chair, but she was always up before me and in bed sometime after I went to sleep.

My Mom taught me my first Primary song- "The Golden Plates"- and taught me that Families can be together forever. She got me hooked on Saturday's Warrior and I have those songs on my iPod today.

She taught me that the greatest gift God ever gave her was her children. Because of her love for us all, I couldn't wait to be a Mom myself someday.

She had a laundry basket full of unmatched socks. Yup, I do, too. I know I should throw them away, but I keep thinking the mate will turn up somewhere.

She had a hard time letting go of me. I moved up to Weber State to start college, and she showed up two days later to "check on me". I was SO mad!! Man, I'd like to have that day back. I get it now. It's hard to let go of your daughter. I inherited that from my Mom.





My Mom passed away 22 years ago. I still miss her so much sometimes. I know she'd have been an awesome Grandma, and she would have loved my husband. She'd be proud of all of her kids and grandkids and I like to believe our babies will get to meet her someday.

Random Thoughts for the Day...

* I miss the old 3rd ward

* I'm kind of bummed that the girl from Utah was the first one to go home on Project Runway last night.

*I think it's way cool that Nigel has promoted a FREE National Day of Dance for tomorrow.

*I am SO EXCITED to watch Tyler play high school football this year!

*I don't like a quiet house.

*I think I hang tightly to memories of my old friends because they remind me of a time when my Mom was still alive.

*I'm no longer smarter than a 5th grader.

*I'm not sure how to define life in my 40's.

*I have decided to print more photographs. There's something about holding a photo in your hand that is just a little bit more special than seeing it as a digital photo.

*I'm looking forward to seeing my family tomorrow, but worry every time I see my Grandma that it may be the last time.....

Race for the Cure 2009

On Saturday, May 9, 2009, we participated in the Race for The Cure in Salt Lake. Members of our family have been doing the race for the past nine years to honor our mom, Becky Callister, who died of breast cancer on November 24, 1987. It’s always the day before Mothers’ Day, and it’s become a special tradition for us to do this every May.

When we first started, just my sister Tami and I did the race. The race was up on Capitol Hill that year, around Memory Grove, and it was really gorgeous . The Salt Lake City Hoop -it -Up basketball tournament was always on the same weekend as the race, so we’d do the race then watch Kurt play basketball.

Eventually our daughters started doing the race with us, and we either walked or ran the 5K, depending on what kind of shape we were in that year. The year Ashli had rheumatic fever, we all took turns pushing her in her wheelchair, in a pouring rainstorm.

And slowly over the years, the rest of our families have started joining us, until this year we had 19 family members and 2 friends on our team “Becky’s Bunch”.

I try so hard to not get emotional about my Mom. She’s been gone almost 22 years and I’ve lived longer without her now than I did with her. But she never leaves me. I wish my younger brothers and sisters had known her better. I can’t even imagine how it must be for Tawni to not have known her much at all in the short nine years she had her. My Mom was there for my baptism, my first high school volleyball game, my last high school volleyball game, every Prom I went to, moving into my dorm at college, just everything. And my little sisters Tara and Tawni had none of that with her.

Yet, in spite of the fact that they basically grew up without a Mom, they are the most amazing Moms themselves! I am so proud of my brothers and sisters and the lives they lead. As we all got together last weekend and as I looked at the pictures afterward, I was struck by the thought that my Mom would be so proud of us all. We’re all so completely different from each other yet somehow over the years we’ve all managed to mesh our lives and become a strong team, there for each other. When somebody needs money, we manage to scrape up a few hundred dollars and help each other through a rough Christmas or pay a couple bills, or yes, even post bail once in a while;)

They roll their eyes and accept the fact that I pretend to be a good Mormon even though they all know I stop at Wal-Mart on my way out there for Sunday dutch ovens or barbecues. I roll my eyes and ask them to smoke on my back porch instead of my front porch, but the truth is, the older we get, our differences matter a lot less.

WOW! JADE AND HER DAD STAND EXACTLY THE SAME WAY!

..and then there's Ted....

What matters now is that we’re living past the age of 39, and every single day one of us outlives our Mom, it’s a bonus. A whole new chance to spend time with the people we love. I think somewhere in the back of our minds, we all kind of thought life ends at 39. And it’s so great to discover that it’s only just beginning- with weddings and grandkids and so much more in our futures, we have a lot ahead of us. Now if we could just get Hig to join us once in a while, life would be complete.