Limbo Land

I'm living in limbo land. I know I need radiation but no chemotherapy. YAY for the no chemo part. But I don't know exactly WHEN I'll start radiation. 

And I get feeling better each day, which is super nice. 

But once radiation starts, I will get feeling super yucky again. I will go every day Monday-Friday for 5 1/2 weeks. 28 rounds of radiation. If you google it, you only see the very worst pictures of radiation burns and permanent skin damage. But what choice do you have, really? I had a grade 1 tumor with a teeny tiny little bit of cancer in the sentinel node that was removed. So maybe that was all the cancer that I had. And maybe it wasn't. So radiation. I had a test called a Mammaprint which is supposed to tell you how mean your tumor was. If it was a mean tumor, that was growing rapidly and likely to have moved beyond the lymph nodes, I would have needed chemo. But my Mammaprint came back as "low risk" so I just do radiation. Sometime. When my temporary expanders are full enough for eventual reconstruction. The drains are out, but the doctor acted like it was too soon to take them out. I was getting less than 25 ccs of fluid out of each drain each day, and that is when they take them out. But she seemed hesitant to do it. She warned me that the temporary breasts may fill up with fluid and I would need to call the surgeon  immediately if that seemed to be happening so he can use an ultrasound and manually drain the breasts. So like every time I feel a tiny bit weird, I think my breasts are full of fluid because my drains came out too early, I'm going to get some massive infection and the incisions will open up like an earthquake. I definitely went back to work too soon. I went back two weeks after my double mastectomy, with the drains still in place. I had staff meeting, a really tough court case, and I was supposed to do a supervised visit with the mom of the really tough court case. Fortunately, Val came through and did the supervised visit for me, so I was able to go home after court. I've had a lot of doctor appointments, so I'm not back full-time, but that first day was rough. Today was great. I wasn't tired, I got a lot done. I've found that if I drink lots of water each day, walk as much as I can, and force myself to stop for breaks and lunch, I do pretty well. Pre-cancer, I worked 12 hour days and never stopped for lunch. I lived on caffeine. I never socialized with my colleagues. Now I sit with them in the breakroom and eat a healthy lunch. It's good for my psyche and my body. 

 The best part of having cancer is that you get to see how much people really love you. I've had so many visitors since all of this started. These pictures barely put a dent in it. I love my people so much <3 p="">

Tina’s Tribe

I had a double mastectomy on April 25 at American Fork Hospital by Dr Jennifer Tittensor. Dr Mark Jensen placed expanders at the same time to prepare for breast reconstruction surgery which will take place in a few months. A sentinel node biopsy showed no cancer cells in the lymph nodes, but we won't be out of the woods until final test results come in next week. Hopes and prayers that radiation and chemotherapy will not be part of my treatment needs. 

My family was AMAZING!!!! We were told that only two adults and absolutely no children could be in the waiting room during my surgery, so my husband Ken planned to be there, and my daughter Ashli would join him after she dropped her two little boys off with their other grandma. When I got to the hospital, however, I had a whole tribe waiting for me. All dressed in matching t-shirts, holding flowers that they each handed to me. My mom had seven children when she died at age 39 of breast cancer. My dad never remarried. All of my siblings but one were there at the hospital, and my sweet dad was at the head of the line. All of my children, their spouses, all of my grandchildren. Those who couldn't attend in person posted pictures on facebook of them wearing pink for me the day of my surgery. I am so blessed to have this amazing family. 

My To-Do List

I had a list of stuff to do today.

Go to work.

I got certified in the operation of the Walkie Stacker today. SO FUN! I LOVE my job:)

Next on the "To Do" list. Laundry. Ugh. Got it done though:)

Went to the library. Carin was there. She recommended some books by Debbie Macomber.

Debbie recommended some books by Josi Kilpack. We'll see if I like them:) Always looking for new authors.

Had to go talk to my insurance agent. He's a good man. A good friend. But I still hate paying insurance premiums.

Ugh. The last thing on my list today wasn't a whole lot of fun. Had to sign some papers. But my fun friend Lisa was in the building and she made me smile.

And my awesome niece Brooklyn just happened to text me as I pulled into the parking lot

"Hey I was wondering.. how are you doing?"

She'd have no way of knowing where I was at that very moment, but she trusted the instinct that I could use a text from someone I love RIGHT then!! Grateful to my Heavenly Father for whispering in her ear, and grateful that she's the kind of person who is worthy to hear and respond to the promptings. This was not an easy day but I am SO BLESSED to be surrounded by amazing family and friends.

~Family~

So this is the newest addition to our

FAMILY~

a teeny little dog named

Hemi

I tend her every day while Ashli and Mack go to work.

I'm ready to be a Grandma, but I am glad Ashli and Mack are waiting to have children until life is somewhat stable.. they're only 20 years old, after all....

So, I'll wait... patiently... and tend their baby dog in the meantime:)

I've been thinking about FAMILIES a LOT lately...

A couple of my high school friends have faced some challenges in their families and it just got me thinking... it absolutely breaks my heart to see families fall apart.

Sometimes marriages just have to end.. after every effort has been made, after every avenue has been explored, after lots of advice and prayer and tears...

Sometimes it just has to end..

But the family unit doesn't have to end... Mom and Dad are mutual parents of their joint children forever.... so I'm happy when I see people putting their own issues aside for the good of their children and maintaining a strong family bond even when Mom and Dad aren't together anymore. One of my friends said "Happiness is all that matters" I could not DISAGREE more.

Integrity matters. Morals matter. Compassion matters. Sacrifice matters. There is much more to life than our personal "happiness". In our marriage, we have both given up personal happiness at one point or another for the good of the children, for the good of each other, or just simply because it was the right thing to do.

So, my rambling thoughts about family brought me to the definition of a

FAMILY

I have some gay friends. I love them. They're good parents. They're good people. They want to be legal families.. they want to be able to legally get married.

And I'm not sure how I feel about this. My political party and my religion are pretty clear about where they stand on California's Proposition 8. But where do I stand on a personal level? It's so easy on paper... Satan is attacking the family. He is trying to destroy the family unit. But you ask the two adorable kids of my gay friends and they'll say they have a great family. They have a Mom and a Dad and Mom's partner and all of these adults absolutely ADORE them. Sure, it's nontraditional. But my family is nontraditional, too. We haven't had a Mom for 23 years. Is it worse to have two Moms than no Mom at all? I don't know....

But I do know that there is simply no continuation of the human race whatsoever without a man AND a woman creating a child, thus creating a family...

Here's what I do know... whatever the family unit.. a dog named Hemi instead of a baby, two Moms, a single Dad, my newly divorced friend with four kids... I think it is absolutely vital that we as adults make the lives of children as "traditional" as possible. Men bring something to the lives of children that women simply can't and vice versa. I hope that when we find ourselves in a position where our children are no longer in a home with Mom and Dad together, we give them opportunities to spend quality time with Grandmas or Grandpas, Uncles or Aunts, religious leaders, teachers, people of both genders, to bring their unique gifts and talents to the lives of children.

This past summer, we've had to find a balance between all of the things we want in our family. Money is tight, so we didn't go to a Yankees game this year... we went camping.

Ah! I'm so GLAD that money was tight.. this camping trip blessed our lives tremendously.

Read a great scripture in Sacrament Meeting today...

2 Timothy 2:20

But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and of silver,

but also of wood and of earth..

Love that..

We do still love our baseball, so we've gone to a couple Orem Owlz

games on Sundays, when it's only $1 to get in....

It's been fun, but nothing can compare to the feeling we

had last August when our daughter married the love of her

life in the Manti temple...

So I think we've decided to skip the Sundays at the ball park.

I think we can spring for $4 on a Tuesday if we really

want to hit an Owlz game:)

It's vital that we teach our children the value of hard work,

no matter what their chosen profession will eventually be.

Whatever we do, wherever we are, the bottom

line is simply this...

Together is the best place to be...

...And I vow to never take it for granted that

we have six people (and two dogs) who love each

other immensely... who are willing to

sacrifice time, money, and personal desires

for the good of each other.

I am SO blessed to have this amazing

family..

Random Thoughts for the Day...

* I miss the old 3rd ward

* I'm kind of bummed that the girl from Utah was the first one to go home on Project Runway last night.

*I think it's way cool that Nigel has promoted a FREE National Day of Dance for tomorrow.

*I am SO EXCITED to watch Tyler play high school football this year!

*I don't like a quiet house.

*I think I hang tightly to memories of my old friends because they remind me of a time when my Mom was still alive.

*I'm no longer smarter than a 5th grader.

*I'm not sure how to define life in my 40's.

*I have decided to print more photographs. There's something about holding a photo in your hand that is just a little bit more special than seeing it as a digital photo.

*I'm looking forward to seeing my family tomorrow, but worry every time I see my Grandma that it may be the last time.....

Find Out Who Your Friends Are

It's been a rough week....

But when it's all said and done, I know who's in my corner...

I'm related to most of them, but there are a select few who I know I can count on just because....

They don't love me because they HAVE to, but because they WANT to....

That's way cool...

So, thank you to those who are there for me...

I hope someday to be there for you!

And to my family... Yay! I get to be with you FOREVER:) Love you guys!