Dear Diary

Disclaimer: This is about to get really personal, so if you  don't care to delve that deeply into my heart and soul, click the red x in the upper right. Thanks.

 I have been a Latter Day Saint since my Dad baptized me on July 3, 1976. It's all I've ever known. I've never doubted for one second that Joseph Smith knelt in the Sacred Grove and physically saw God and Jesus Christ. I have always believed that Families are Forever if you are sealed in the temple. My daughter's temple wedding was one of the greatest days of my life.

But when my own temple marriage crumbled after 22 years, I started to question everything I believed in. I didn't even know who I was. I had defined myself as a wife and mother for so long, I didn't even know how to live. My sons were 19 and 17, and we let them choose.

They chose their Dad.

It was devastating. I woke up one day and I had lost everything.What kind of God does that? What kind of God lets that happen? But my daughter was ruthless in making me heal. She mothered me and brought me back to life. She didn't talk to her Dad for a whole year. She basically sent her husband Mack with a horse trailer to pick up my stuff from the little two bedroom apartment I shared with NOBODY and made me move in with her, so she wouldn't worry every night about me crying myself to sleep. Our testimonies floundered. We were hurting. We didn't understand and we weren't all that happy with our Heavenly Father.

 And then..I met a man. I fell in love. He'd been in 4 bishoprics before his temple marriage of 24 years fell apart the same way mine did. He was hurting, too. We were soul mates. I moved in with him a month before our wedding. I got a tattoo. I was blissfully happy. But we missed the Church. So ten days after our wedding, we went and talked to our bishop. Told him all the gory details. We had a church court. We were put on probation for an unspecified period. The bishop said it would continue until he felt like we were ready. We had some stuff we had to take care of. And we did every little thing that was asked of us. We knew we wouldn't be able to go back to the temple for a year, but we needed SOMETHING. We couldn't pray in meetings or answer questions in class or take the sacrament, and we had to meet with the bishop  every other Sunday. We paid our tithing, went to our meetings and still we were ostracized and put on display month after month after month when we had to pass the sacrament tray down without taking it. On Easter Sunday, all of our meetings talked about the Atonement. We were six months into our probation then, and we thought some little privilege would finally be restored to us then. Sacrament or the ability to pray or bear our testimonies or answer questions or SOMETHING. I mean, the Savior met us halfway, right? We felt really strongly that we had done what was asked of us and Jesus Christ did the rest. We met with the bishop that day and he said we weren't ready for any of those things to be returned to us. We haven't been to church since. Two weeks ago, we decided to try going back, but we only stayed for sacrament meeting, and we didn't feel loved or welcome or anything, so here we are.

My oldest nephew, Maveric, baptized one of my younger nephews, Logan, yesterday. Mav is going on a mission to Puerto Rico in August and I'm so proud of him. As I am of Logan for choosing to be baptized and for my sister, Tawni, for taking her three little boys to church when they got old enough to start asking to go. It's not easy for her, and she's a great Mom.

My oldest son Zack  is older than Mav, and I thought I would be bummed that he wasn't the one to baptize Logan. But I really wasn't bummed about it. I'm proud of Zack for being who he is, and it's OK that he didn't go on a mission. It's OK that he isn't an Elder, and it's even OK if he doesn't get married in the temple. My life looks nothing like it did 5 years ago, and  I actually feel a peace that I haven't felt for a long time. People are charting their own course in this family and in this life, and I love them for who they are. I want them to be good people and live Christian lives, but if they do that in their own way, I'm OK with that.

The little cousins love Zack, and he's going to be a great Dad. He loves with his whole heart, and he's fun to be around. I'm so proud to be his Mom.

 An old high school acquaintance, Lee Imlay, is the bishop in Tawni's ward, and he teared up when he talked about the love and support he feels from our family. He said he felt a good spirit being around us. Tami is the only one of our seven siblings who is temple worthy, yet there is a strong spirit among us.

 If you look closely you can see an angel between Ashli and Kylie. Yeah, I know, it's just a dusty camera lens, but I like to think differently:) Our Mom would have been so happy to see us all there together yesterday, full of love for Logan and Mav and just happy to be all together.

 After the baptism, Ken and I got new matching tattoos. A lot of people won't understand that. It is a tattoo we have considered for a long time, and just recently finally found the perfect design. My family has deep celtic roots, and this tattoo honors that along with a heart to symbolize our love for each other.

I love it. I don't regret it at all.

Malissa took this picture for us after she finished up. Yeah, she rocks. She's covered in ink, pierced and dyed and she's one of my favorite people. She has a big heart, she loves her kids and her husband, and she makes me feel beautiful.

Yes, this is Wile E Coyote beneath our Celtic knot. He got it 32 years ago when he was in the Army. We thought about having Malissa do some amazing cover up work, but Ken's daughter, Jenny, says "NO!" It's part of who her Dad is. Nobody but Ken would have a Wile E Coyote tattoo  and she wants it to stay. So stay it will:)

Well... the Bishop called, and he'd like us to meet with him at 7:00 tonight. Ken is going. I'm not. I'm not ready.

Tyler's Graduation

 My baby graduated from high school on May 23, 2012, the first in our family to wear a yellow rope:) (Which means you're like really, really smart and stuff!) He was one of the Top Scholars in his class and I am SO proud of him. P.S. Aren't he and his sister GORGEOUS people?

 My niece, Brittany Baker, graduated from Grantsville High School on the same night, at the same time, that Tyler graduated from Juab High School, over 100 miles away. So my family had a hard time deciding which graduation to attend. Tami and her family just went half-n-half. Dave and Kylie went to Brittany's, and Tami and Mav came to Ty's.

 I LOVE this picture! Ty's football coach, Mike Bowring, has been an amazing part of his life for many years, both on and off the football field, and has helped shape the man Ty is today.

 Cute little Puggy and Megan joined the Searles in supporting Ty. Thanks you guys:) 

 The boys:) These three have been so close the past couple of years. Ty and Kelton will be roommates at Snow College in the fall. Kelty is a great kid and I think the world of him. He was given the Disciple of Christ Award at seminary graduation and I cried as much as if it were my own blood son receiving it. I'm so glad he's a part of my sons' lives.

 And they are best friends.

My kids didn't really understand when Ken and I took our pictures before the ceremony and let Ty's dad have the time afterwards. But I made the best decision for me. Knowing my own strengths and weaknesses, I held it together for as long as I could and then cried on the way home alone with Ken while Ty got on the bus to go to California with the kids he's known since he was like 4 years old. I'm glad he was raised in Nephi. But I'm SO ready for him to live here in Sanpete. I can't wait til fall when he comes to Snow College, where he'll be a... gasp... cheerleader!!!! I know, right? I'm so excited!

Stronger

I just spent a couple days with my sisters.

Tami said I seem a little bit stronger every time she sees me:)

Tara said I'm beautiful.

And Tawni was doing my nails when I got a text that made my day.

I have hope for the future.

I keep getting stronger.

Seeing my family helps.

Those texts help:)

I'll be OK.

GREATEST.KIDS.EVER

So I was even more of an emotional wreck on Valentines Day than I thought I would be.

Kneeling down by my bed, crying, praying, feeling sorry for myself that morning...

right at THAT moment, Zack and Tyler showed up, each of them carrying roses for their Mama. The timing couldn't have been better.

At work that evening, Zack showed up, bearing a gorgeous flower arrangement from Ashli and Mack. So the day was OK. Tawni and my Dad sent me texts, a couple of my friends checked in on me, and I survived the lovers' holiday. And now I'm in the home stretch. No more emotional holidays in the near future. Yay!!!!

Day 4 ~ Tawni aka Puggy

Not really sure why Paul started calling Tawni "Pug", but that's her.. Pug, Puggy, Puglet.

Love my baby sister. She and Mark tried for so long to have their first baby and we were all so worried that she wouldn't be able to have kids. Now she has her hands full with her three little boys and she's a great Mom:) Tawni is a gentle soul and a sweet, loving girl. She was born on Paul's birthday and they've always had a special bond. So glad Mom and Dad decided to have just one more baby!

~Sons~

I've been thinking a lot about the men in my life lately, and particularly my sons. My oldest son, Zack, moved to Ephraim to attend Snow College last Saturday. And, my GOSH, it was harder than I thought it would be. I'm so proud of him, but can't help but be sad that he's all grown up now.

Tyler is working SO hard at football this year. Tomorrow is his first game, and I CAN'T WAIT to see him play! I'll be wearing my Juab football tshirt all day:)

And of course there is Dixie's son, Kurt. She tells me all the time how proud she is of the man he has become.

And Becky's son, Paul aka Woggy... I LOVE this man more every single year. My brother is an amazing man and I am so proud to be his sister.

And all three of Tawni's sons... Logan, Landen and Lincoln:) Tawni spent years trying to get pregnant after she and Mark got married. We were all so worried that she'd never have the blessing of being a Mom, which would have been devastating. She is the sweetest, most patient among the four of us sisters, and she was born to be a Mother. So, when she finally got pregnant with Logan, we were SO excited! And along came two more adorable sons. They're such a cute family:)

I didn't get any pictures of my other nephews in this blog, but they're all amazing. Sissy wrote this on a card to Tawni when Lincoln was born, and it touched my heart so deeply. It's really personal to our family how much we all love Stephen's son, Aaron. He and Aaron's mom divorced when Aaron and Brittany were very young, and Tara and Stephen spent many, many years and many thousands of dollars trying to get the kids back here in Utah. They are finally here, and it's been so hard for Aaron to really figure out where he wants to be-- here or with his mom.

He'll be 18 in a couple months, and I pray that life brings him all of the opportunities and blessings that he deserves. I love him so much.

Happy Birthday Zack and Landen

Happy Birthday Zack and Landen!

Wow... Zack will be 17 in two days. When Ashli was a baby, our friends Dave and Monica had a gorgeous baby boy named Travis. He had dark hair and dark eyes, and we thought "We want one of those!" 9 months and one week after Travis was born, we had our own little dark haired baby boy. Zack was born four hours after we got to the hospital. My brother Ted and my sister Tami were there with us. My sisters Tawni and Tara were tending Ashli for us at our house in Salt Lake. When Kurt went down to the nursery to get Zack, his little bed was surrounded by doctors. They wouldn't tell Kurt anything, but the look on his face when he came back to my hospital room is something I'll never forget. I knew immediately something was wrong. Zack was rushed to Primary Childrens' Medical Center on a Life Flight chopper. They wheeled him into my room before they left and I got to touch his hand through the incubator he was in. It would be a week before I would hold my baby again. Kurt's sister Stephanie met him at Primary Childrens' and my sister Tami stayed with me at Pioneer Valley Hospital for the 12 hours they made me stay. When they wheeled me out to her car, with a diaper bag on my lap instead of a baby, it was so awful. Zack was eventually diagnosed with idiopathic cardiopulmonary hypertension, which basically meant that he had high pressure in his heart and lungs for unknown reasons. They kept him in the Newborn ICU for 21 days and basically just treated his symptoms, since they couldn't find a cause for it. Kurt and I spent every single day by his side. Our family, friends from Grantsville and friends from Salt Lake were wonderful. Dixie took Ashli down to Spring City and made her a bunch of new clothes. Ken fed her spaghettios and mashed potatoes and they spoiled her rotten. Teri came to the hospital every day, and always brought something for Ashli or medical supplies for us to use when we eventually got Zack home. It was such a roller coaster. The doctors told us on three different occasions that we could take Zack home the next day, so we'd arrive at the hospital with his clothes, car seat and baby quilts, and they'd have decided he needed to stay longer. We met some amazing people that we'll never forget during our time. Bill and Kristy were waiting for a heart for their son Colby and we saw the helicopter land outside Zack's window when it arrived. They really do carry them in Igloo coolers! Kurt looked forward to the "Hospitality Cart" daily, and he and Bill bought basketball cards by the dozens from the gift shop. Troy, Bill and Kurt gave Zack a blessing before his heart cath and even Uncle Matt came to the hospital the day of the procedure. Grandma Becca had the whole family fast and pray for little Zack that morning, and all went well, so we finally got to take him home on March 1. He was on oxygen for six months at home, but we took him everywhere with his little oxygen tank. He went to the zoo, to ball games, just everywhere we went. Ashli adored him and called him her "biddy budder". He brought something very special to our family. Every day when we arrived at Primary Childrens, it seemed like one of the preemies or RSV babies had died during the night. We were grateful for every day that Zack was screaming and mad at the world. And, boy, was he mad! He'd had IV's in every vein you can imagine and has a cowlick where they finally had to place his first IV in his head. From the beginning, you knew Zack was in the room. And still do! He can't stand silence. From the first day of his life, he was surrouned by beeps and buzzers and nurses talking all around him, so he makes sure there's always background noise in our house now. We are still grateful every day that Zack is here. And we can't believe it's been 17 years since he was born. We are so blessed to have this amazing son. He's funny, gorgeous, he has integrity and a heart of gold. He'll spend his last dollar to get someone else a drink at 7-11 and we just love being around him.

And the day after Zack's birthday will be my nephew Landen's. Tawni tried SO long to have her babies. We all knew she'd be an amazing Mom, and it was heartbreaking when it just didn't happen for her and Mark for so many years. When Logan was born, it was a miracle and we were so thrilled. He was an adorable baby (even though he looked just like his Dad!) And it was amazing that Landen came along so soon after Logan. They were worth the wait and we love them both so much.

Happy Birthday to Colton and Jordan on the 1st, Aunt Suzie on the 4th, Mom who would have been 61 on the 7th, Zack on the 8th, Landen on the 9th, Kurt on the 14th, Ted and Joey's as yet unborn son on the 19th, Paul and Tawni on the 26th.