For my single friends

Lots of my friends have found themselves alone lately. Single after being married for a long time to men they loved and wanted to spend their whole lives with, eternity with even. I hate watching them struggle and hurt. Because I so clearly remember every tear I shed and every night I laid alone in my little twin bed in my little apartment in Nephi, wishing I were home in my big bed with my husband whom I still loved even after everything. I have no idea why the Lord decided that after 7 months, I had struggled long enough. Why I get to be the lucky one who found Ken. I wasn't the skinniest or the prettiest or even the sweetest girl out on the market at the time, so why did he choose me? Why do I get to be so happy when so many of my single friends haven't found this happiness yet? 

 I think the answer has everything to do with my Heavenly Father and the prayers offered by SO many people who love me on my behalf. I could never have found Ken if he wasn't a man who loved his Heavenly Father and could see something in me that the rest of the world couldn't see. People throw the term "soul mates" around, but there's something to be said for a love that sees beyond everything else and into your soul. The soul of this man found the soul of this woman and everything else fell into place. I've never been loved like this. Not when I was 125 pounds or 20 years old or becoming a Mom three times. It's when I'm an older, heavier grandma that I get to have this. 

 And it's because I looked for a man who would give me this. Take me to the temple. Give me priesthood blessings when I need them. Ordain my son an Elder. It was important to me. It's not important to everyone. But it is to me. God knew that. And he sent me my soul mate in the form of the cable guy. I wish all of my single friends could find this. Pray, girls. Love your Heavenly Father. Love yourself. There ARE good men out there. And when you find yours, I hope you cherish him like I do mine. I am SO blessed!!! 

Melancholy

Some of you have been reading my blog for years. So you know. You know that I got married in 1989, had three amazing, wonderful children, and got divorced 22 years later. My ex-husband was seeing a girl we had known for 15 years and I moved out of our hometown where I wouldn't have to see them or hear about them everywhere I went. When I moved to Ephraim, this amazing, kind, cute man hooked up our cable TV.  Four months later, when I moved to Moroni (with Ashli and Mackenzie, btw.. they were amazing to me!) the same cute guy hooked up our cable again. We struck up a conversation and he told me his wife had asked him for a divorce after 24 years. They'd been married in the temple, too.  Our stories were almost identical. He was my soul mate. Our first date was a motorcycle ride over the Nebo Loop. We got married two months later. I love him more than I ever imagined I could love anyone. We do everything together. Our nine kids are all grown up and we have the freedom to just enjoy each other's company. It's a beautiful life. One I never thought I'd have again after I got divorced.

But sometimes I miss this life, too. The house where I raised my kids. Christmas traditions. First day of school pictures in front of the bushes in the front yard. My dog. My ex-husband's brothers and sister. Even his parents sometimes! I wonder how eternity will look for all of us. I wouldn't trade my life with Ken for anything. But, you know.... I get melancholy sometimes. Today is one of the sometimes. Plus I'm bored. I'm not taking college classes summer semester, so this is like the first day in the past 18 months that I don't have homework to do. Gives me too much time to think.

Enough

I have devoted ENOUGH of my time, energy and emotions to the homewrecker. If she wants to add his last name to the four she's already had, so be it. I have to move on. I have to picture something else every time I close my eyes.

Incidentally, why do we women continue to love the man himself but hate the woman? This is so sick and wrong. He's the one I should be hating. Damn, I wish I could.

And.. you will all be delighted to know that I will be starting therapy on Thursday. Finally. I have needed this for the past year, but thought I couldn't afford it. Ashli pulled some strings, made some calls, and I will meet with the amazing Todd to begin the most important phase of this healing process.

June 30

Would have been our 22nd anniversary today.

So I made some big plans to meet my awesome California cousins in Mesquite this past week. Got the time off work, made the hotel reservations.

Then I had to buy a new A/C condenser for my car.

$140.

Could NOT have handled the Nevada heat without A/C.

Could NOT afford the trip after paying for the condenser.

So...I went camping. My new favorite cheap hobby.

I just went to Payson Lake this time.

10 miles from work.

Made friends with the little creatures.

Decided to make myself a new hiking stick.

My knife closed on my finger when I was taking this little protrusion off my stick.

Ow:(

Apparently I left my EMT bag in the Cougar when I traded Zack cars last week.

So I improvised and found something in my bag that worked as a bandage. lol.
It rained a lot so I cut my trip short. :(

And ended up back in civilization on the dreaded day.
But I'm OK.
It will be easier next year.

But this year it sucks.

Bouncing Through the Stages

Being the dedicated student of Social Work that I am, I am currently studying for finals.

And that has included a review of the 5 stages of grief.

Which was developed to explain the process of dealing with death.

But can apply to many challenges we face in this life.

Like getting divorced when you're 42 years old.

The Bargaining stage was pathetic.

I cried and begged God to put my family back together.

He didn't do it.

I'm currently bouncing between Depression and Resignation (which our text called Acceptance. I like the term Acceptance better.)

Some days are still better than others.

And I cry MUCH less often than I used to.

I still wish God would put my family back together.

But I have accepted that 4/5 of us is NOT a majority.

And I'll completely move to Acceptance soon.

Really.

I will.

Tuesday

I hate Tuesdays.

My Mom died on a Tuesday.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008 was the second worst day of my life.

My divorce was final last Tuesday.

I just found out today.

I hate Tuesdays.

My To-Do List

I had a list of stuff to do today.

Go to work.

I got certified in the operation of the Walkie Stacker today. SO FUN! I LOVE my job:)

Next on the "To Do" list. Laundry. Ugh. Got it done though:)

Went to the library. Carin was there. She recommended some books by Debbie Macomber.

Debbie recommended some books by Josi Kilpack. We'll see if I like them:) Always looking for new authors.

Had to go talk to my insurance agent. He's a good man. A good friend. But I still hate paying insurance premiums.

Ugh. The last thing on my list today wasn't a whole lot of fun. Had to sign some papers. But my fun friend Lisa was in the building and she made me smile.

And my awesome niece Brooklyn just happened to text me as I pulled into the parking lot

"Hey I was wondering.. how are you doing?"

She'd have no way of knowing where I was at that very moment, but she trusted the instinct that I could use a text from someone I love RIGHT then!! Grateful to my Heavenly Father for whispering in her ear, and grateful that she's the kind of person who is worthy to hear and respond to the promptings. This was not an easy day but I am SO BLESSED to be surrounded by amazing family and friends.

Ugh...

Minor setback yesterday.

Back on the horse I guess.

Filed the papers.

It sucked.

Hurting.

A lot.

Day 30~ One Last Moment

When I started this "30 Day List" several months ago, I had no idea that my life would be turned upside down in the midst of it all. In October, my husband of nearly 22 years asked me for a divorce. I cried and begged him to stay, so he did. But he wasn't happy. So I moved out after the holidays. I didn't want the house without him in it. I have a cute little apartment. My kids spend a lot of time here, and a lot of time with their Dad. And it's good. I love my ward. I'm in college. I have great friends and even a few who are kind enough to flirt with me and make me feel like a girl again. And I'm OK. Some days are better than others. I cry a little less each week and I'm moving forward into this scary world on my own. With the help of the people who love me. I hope you know who you are. Amazing kids, phenomenal brothers and sisters, a loving Dad and awesome friends. And my husband has been great. Really supportive financially. I know I could call him if I needed anything at all and I think we'll be good friends when this is all said and done. When all of this first started, I felt hopeless. That I was too old to start my life all over again at 42 years old. But then I learned that Michelangelo painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel when he was 71. So I'll be OK. I'm amazed at how many people find themselves single at my age and I look at my Grandma, who found love again in her 70's. Thank you to everyone who believes in my ability to survive this time in my life. For the hugs, the messages, the prayers and the support. I love you all beyond words!!!

Day 23~Something That Makes you Cry

Waking up alone.

Day 21~Something that Upsets You

That there are SO many of us in this club.