Happy Half Century

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2. So, I turned 50. I went to see my grandma on my birthday. And I cried like a baby. I told her the truth about everything. That I'm scared they won't get all of the cancer. That I'm tired of going to treatment every single day. That it's just not fair. She agreed with everything I said, like she always has. She hugged me. She cried. She told me she loves me. It was all that I needed. 
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4. I also went to see my Mom on my birthday. I thought about how she might have felt 50 years ago when she gave birth to her first baby. I can relate to her more than I ever have, now that this vicious disease has attacked me too. Dang, but I miss her. 

I also got to see most of my grandbabies over my birthday weekend. Feeding Kendricks an ice cream cone was one of the cutest things ever. I love the ice cream on his nose :) 

It was Fathers Day on my birthday, and I got to see my Dad and all of my siblings except Ted. We don't do this often enough. 

We went to Wendover, and Ken bought me this necklace from a Native American selling jewelry at the rest stop on the Bonneville Salt Flats. It has significance for me because my people call themselves #tinastribe. You can see the rashes on my skin from the radiation. 

I grew up 90 miles from here, and I had never actually stepped onto the salt flats until now. It was crazy cool. Your feet get covered in salt as if you are on the beach getting covered in sand. 

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It's not officially summer until I've had my first strawberry acai refresher from Starbucks. This one didn't even last long enough to get a good photo.

On Friday, all of my sisters and my niece Brooklyn surprised me and showed up at the hospital before my radiation treatment. They threw me a birthday party right there in the waiting room. I loved the cookies Tami made,, "Before" and "After" mastectomy cookies. Love it! 

I took Riken to my radiation appointment and everyone told me what a pretty little girl he is. Yeah, we get that a lot. He IS pretty. 

Tyler and Kieonah know me so well :) 

Limbo Land

I'm living in limbo land. I know I need radiation but no chemotherapy. YAY for the no chemo part. But I don't know exactly WHEN I'll start radiation. 

And I get feeling better each day, which is super nice. 

But once radiation starts, I will get feeling super yucky again. I will go every day Monday-Friday for 5 1/2 weeks. 28 rounds of radiation. If you google it, you only see the very worst pictures of radiation burns and permanent skin damage. But what choice do you have, really? I had a grade 1 tumor with a teeny tiny little bit of cancer in the sentinel node that was removed. So maybe that was all the cancer that I had. And maybe it wasn't. So radiation. I had a test called a Mammaprint which is supposed to tell you how mean your tumor was. If it was a mean tumor, that was growing rapidly and likely to have moved beyond the lymph nodes, I would have needed chemo. But my Mammaprint came back as "low risk" so I just do radiation. Sometime. When my temporary expanders are full enough for eventual reconstruction. The drains are out, but the doctor acted like it was too soon to take them out. I was getting less than 25 ccs of fluid out of each drain each day, and that is when they take them out. But she seemed hesitant to do it. She warned me that the temporary breasts may fill up with fluid and I would need to call the surgeon  immediately if that seemed to be happening so he can use an ultrasound and manually drain the breasts. So like every time I feel a tiny bit weird, I think my breasts are full of fluid because my drains came out too early, I'm going to get some massive infection and the incisions will open up like an earthquake. I definitely went back to work too soon. I went back two weeks after my double mastectomy, with the drains still in place. I had staff meeting, a really tough court case, and I was supposed to do a supervised visit with the mom of the really tough court case. Fortunately, Val came through and did the supervised visit for me, so I was able to go home after court. I've had a lot of doctor appointments, so I'm not back full-time, but that first day was rough. Today was great. I wasn't tired, I got a lot done. I've found that if I drink lots of water each day, walk as much as I can, and force myself to stop for breaks and lunch, I do pretty well. Pre-cancer, I worked 12 hour days and never stopped for lunch. I lived on caffeine. I never socialized with my colleagues. Now I sit with them in the breakroom and eat a healthy lunch. It's good for my psyche and my body. 

 The best part of having cancer is that you get to see how much people really love you. I've had so many visitors since all of this started. These pictures barely put a dent in it. I love my people so much <3 p="">

Passages Through the Veil

On May 22, 2016, my daughter Ashli gave birth to my second grandbaby, Rogue Dallen Brown. 6 pounds 13 ounces, 20 inches long, he is a perfect baby. I love him so much. Big brother Riken wasn't thrilled with his arrival, but got used to him and even started kissing his forehead once in a while. 

About a month after Rogue was born, our family friend Kellen Nielsen committed suicide. It was devastating for all of us. 29 years old. Seemed to have everything going for him. The Nielsens are a loved and respected family in Nephi, and Kellen's death was so hard for so many people, myself included. He didn't die immediately and I cried buckets of tears during the week that he spent in the hospital, putting myself in his Mom's position, and putting my sons in Kellen's brothers' positions. It hit really close to home. 

During that week, Ashli asked me if I would be willing to be Riken and Rogue's nanny when she goes back to work next week. I have a job that I LOVE, but I truly am not going anywhere in this position. I've kept the same job, working for $12.00 an hour, 25 hours a week, even after I got my Bachelor's degree. I've applied for a few full-time positions at work, but haven't gotten them, so it's not like I'm really going to be missed or hard to replace. 

But a Grandma? Yeah, grandmas are missed and hard to replace. So I've decided to do it. I will travel 3 hours to Ashli's house to be her live-in Nanny while she and Mack both work 7 days on/7 off. On their 7 days off, I will come home and be with Ken. He can't retire for about 9 years, so he has to stay here and work in Ephraim for a while. I'm going to miss him SO much. We haven't spent more than a night apart ever since we got married. Even when he's had surgery, I sleep in his hospital room. 

So I will miss Ken, but I already miss Riken and Rogue every single day, and Kellen's death just made it so much more acute for me. We have to take every moment we can to be with our loved ones. Nothing else matters as much as that. I desperately want to be a part of my grandkids' lives, and this is an opportunity for me to do that, even though it means giving up a job I love and being released as the Primary president. 

We had Activity Days girls day camp this past Thursday, and I had such a great time. I love these kids so much and I will miss working in the Ephraim 2nd Ward Primary. But I just keep coming back to the thought that I need to be at Ashli's. They need me. I need them. 

Also this week, Ken's uncle Lorin Stone passed away. He was 92 years old. The feelings around his passing are so different from the feelings surrounding Kellen's death. Lorin's funeral was a celebration of memories of a loving husband, father and friend. The service was so peaceful and although our hearts went out to Aunt Maurine, it wasn't really a time of grieving. He will be waiting for her on the other side. Maurine is Ken's Mom, Eva Deon Jones Carlson's, sister. I never got to meet her, but my husband loved his Mom so much. Meeting Maurine was kind of like meeting Deon. Maurine has the sweetest spirit, and she was so happy to meet me, as were all of Ken's cousins. They were so kind and loving to me, loving me just because they love Ken. It was a beautiful experience to spend the day with them. 

Even Steven, I guess. lol. Ken is the baby of the family and Steven is the next older of the five boys. He and I clash most of the time, but I am so glad that these boys get together in important moments like this. The only brother missing was Donald, who is working in California this week. 

So, all in all, it's been a really emotional time for me. My life is transforming yet again. I've never had a career. I thought Snow College would be it. But the truth is, I've never really wanted anything more than being a Mom and a Grandma. My first husband used to get so mad that I'd quit really good jobs every few years. When I had a new baby or when one of our babies started liking the babysitter more than he liked me, I just couldn't drag myself away from the kids. And now it's happening again. With the grandkids. I've changed a lot over the past twenty five years, but this hasn't changed. When it comes right down to it, a job is just a job. Necessary, but certainly not the most important part of my life. I hope we can make it work financially. Wrote out the tithing check this morning. Hoping for the best! 

The Moments I Live For

 So, yeah, having kids that live in St George means that summer starts like three months earlier than we're used to:) We spent the weekend at the OUTDOOR pool in FEBRUARY in La Verkin. WHAT??? 

 Mack made some awesome outdoor Yahtzee dice. 

 7 months pregnant with her second son, Rogue, Ashli just soaks up the rays. 

 Kenna keeps score:) 

 We love it when Mack cooks. This weekend we tried his grilled sweet potatoes for the first time. YUMMY! 

 My man:)

 My middlest child:)

 All of the kids have told us how great Dixie Rock is, so we finally hiked up there. It was AWESOME!!! 

 A couple days before Easter, Ashli and Riken came to Ephraim for a quick visit. Too quick, but it was good for my soul to see them:) 

 Haha. Ashli and I did our pedicures, so Riken filed his feet too. 

 Easter egg hunt in Nana's backyard.

 Lunch at Rodgers at the very table where Ashli told me she was pregnant with Riken four years ago:) 

When Ashli and Riken left to go home, Riken and I both cried. I love this little guy more than I ever though possible.