Monday~

What an absolutely HORRENDOUS Sunday I had!

I should have gone to church, I know.

I got dressed, did my hair.

Didn't go.

Got bad news on many different fronts yesterday.

Stayed home and felt sorry for myself.

But it's OK.

It's Monday.

New week.

New goals.

And I have six more days to psyche myself up for the happy couples

I see at church. And the unhappy ones who I just want to

shake and say "Hey! Wake up. You're here. Together! Be

happy! Appreciate it. Enjoy each other."

This.. or... That

I'm not generally a "fence sitter" kind of person.

I take the elephant

over the jackass any day of the week.

And it's always been the Y

over the U.

But last night, my sister took me to see the Red Rocks gymnastics team.

Wow. Talented girls. Ranked #4. Lost a close one to #2 Stanford.

And I'm a fan.

I'll still take the Y in football. Tradition, Spirit, Honor and all that.

But I guess I'm kind of a fence sitter now over the whole red/blue issue. Weird.

And I really tried to be open-minded about the whole truck thing...

But I'm still a Ford fan.

Happy Saturday!

The 9th Step

So I just heard the story of Liz Seccuro who was raped at a frat party in 1984. 21 years later, as part of the AA 12-Step program, her rapist sent her a letter apologizing for the experience she had as a result of his alcohol addiction. With the return address on the letter, Liz pressed charges and William Beebe was convicted of the rape. Way to go, Liz!

I'm a fan of recovery. I'm a fan of therapy. I'm not a fan of the 9th step. Each crime victim heals in her own way. A letter 20 years after the fact is just re-victimizing the victim. Write the letter as part of your recovery if you need to. If you're going to send it, be prepared for the consequences. As for me, I wouldn't want to receive the letter at all.

And there you go. A strange little blog entry about something that was on my mind today. Happy Thursday otherwise:)

~Girls' Night~

So... Ashli came to stay with me last night.

It was AWESOME!

We watched "Letters to Juliet" and talked about Ashli's upcoming

TRIP TO EUROPE!!!!

Yes, it's true. She is going to Europe in 5 short months!

I WISH I could go with her:(

She straightened my hair for me.

Because I simply have absolutely NO talent in this area.

It's good she could do her own hair at age 5 or it would have been sidekicks and topsy-tails her whole life, since that was the extent of my hair repertoire.

We went to "breakfast" at like 11:00 this morning. Had blueberry/white chocolate pancake poppers. Yummy~ And NO old men in spandex hit on her. Whew!!

Came back, talked, blogged, talked, blogged.... And I will see her AGAIN tomorrow:)

Day 30~ One Last Moment

When I started this "30 Day List" several months ago, I had no idea that my life would be turned upside down in the midst of it all. In October, my husband of nearly 22 years asked me for a divorce. I cried and begged him to stay, so he did. But he wasn't happy. So I moved out after the holidays. I didn't want the house without him in it. I have a cute little apartment. My kids spend a lot of time here, and a lot of time with their Dad. And it's good. I love my ward. I'm in college. I have great friends and even a few who are kind enough to flirt with me and make me feel like a girl again. And I'm OK. Some days are better than others. I cry a little less each week and I'm moving forward into this scary world on my own. With the help of the people who love me. I hope you know who you are. Amazing kids, phenomenal brothers and sisters, a loving Dad and awesome friends. And my husband has been great. Really supportive financially. I know I could call him if I needed anything at all and I think we'll be good friends when this is all said and done. When all of this first started, I felt hopeless. That I was too old to start my life all over again at 42 years old. But then I learned that Michelangelo painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel when he was 71. So I'll be OK. I'm amazed at how many people find themselves single at my age and I look at my Grandma, who found love again in her 70's. Thank you to everyone who believes in my ability to survive this time in my life. For the hugs, the messages, the prayers and the support. I love you all beyond words!!!

Day 29~ Your Aspirations

Oh, I love that these two entries are coming at the end of my 30 day list. I aspire to be a LCSW and work in a residental treatment center of some kind. Ashli and Mack work in a boys home, I have friends who work in a substance abuse center, and I just so want to work in the same type of environment. To make a difference in people's lives. I'm in college now finishing up my degree in social work, so I'm on the path to be what I want to be:)

I aspire to be happy. To look in the mirror and say "I like you!"

I aspire to fall in love again. To be loved again.

I aspire to be OK, even if I'm single for the rest of my life. Financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Day 28~ Something that you Miss

Him playing guitar at night. Yeah, I miss that.

Day 27~ Your Favorite Place

Day 26~ Your Fears

Mice. Cancer. Poverty.

Day 25~ A First

1/11/11 was the first day of the rest of my life. I made some changes. Kept some things the same. Most importantly decided to live by the motto

"Never trade what you want most for what you want at the moment".

Day 24~ Something That Makes you Angry

Hmm... what makes me angry? Well... I have to take this Biological Anthropology class this semester. I read the syllabus and it kinds of makes me angry that there are people who assume that evolution is fact. Yup.. that's it. It makes me angry that people are closed-minded. Not just about evolution. About lots of things. Sometimes I'm pretty set in my ways, too. Closed-minded. I will try to be open-minded. Even in Biological Anthropology class. Aargh.

Day 23~Something That Makes you Cry

Waking up alone.

Day 22~ Something that Makes You Feel Better

*Zack. He makes me feel happy.
*Tyler. He makes me feel safe.
*Ashli. She makes me feel loved.

Day 21~Something that Upsets You

That there are SO many of us in this club.

Day 20~ This Month

This month is new. This year is new. This decade is new. This month I am starting college. For the second time. I have my own room. For the first time. Ever. I hate it. Not the room. Just having it. This month I have been to church every Sunday. Yes, note it is only January 6. There has been only one Sunday this month but I can still brag about it. This month I have read my scriptures every day. I have prayed morning, noon, night, in between, in the car, at the store. I pray so much I think God probably just has a little bluetooth headset for me so he can keep himself free for all the other important tasks he has. But he is listening. I can tell. Because he answers me. Often. This month is different from any other month I've ever had. I'll let you know how it goes.

Day 19~ Something You Regret

Selfishness.
Bitterness.
Holding grudges.
Keeping score.
Gaining so much weight.
Losing jobs.
Taking things for granted.

Day 18~ Your Favorite Birthday

40 is a big deal for us girls, because our Mom died when she was 39. My great-aunt Veloy died just before my 40th birthday, so I was in Tooele at Tami's house on my birthday, preparing to go up to Smithfield for the funeral. I got a makeover on my way to Tooele. Loved my new hair:) Went to see "Iron Man" at the Erda drive-in on my birthday with Tami and her kids.

Day 17~ Your Favorite Memory

My FAVORITE memory? How can a Mom of three amazing kids have a favorite memory? But one of my favorites is when the kids were standing in the rain against a wall in New York City, SO happy to be there for the first time in their lives that they refused to sit in a hotel room, but ventured out into the rain, grabbing $5 umbrellas from the gift shop on our way out the door. Ashli's pant legs were soaked clear to her knees by the end of the day, but it was an awesome day. And Zack penned the classic tune "I lost my umbrella on the subway" that day:)

Day 16~Your First Kiss

Nothing to write home about. I do remember it, but not all that fondly.

Day 15~Your Dreams

Oh my... how can I say this today? My dreams have never changed. I always wanted to be a Mom. And that's as far as I thought it through. Now my kids are grown up and they need me a little less than they used to, although they all promise they DO still need me:) So I have to find new dreams. I'm re-starting college in a couple of weeks and I guess my new dream is to be able to stand on my own, not dependent on anyone, financially or emotionally. I have a long way to go, but as I begin 2011, I take the first step toward the next phase of my life and the new dreams I find along the way.

Day 14~ An Embarrassing Moment

Christmas Time always reminds me of the first Christmas after we were married, 21 years ago. I worked full time at the Air National Guard base, and Kurt came to see me one day at work around Christmas time. I was barely pregnant with Ashli, not really even showing yet. I had worn red socks to work that day, my one and only way to rebel and have some individuality in my green uniform. For some reason, I had taken off my boots. No idea why. And I was sitting on my husband's lap, in my uniform, boots off, red socks on, when the Base Commander came walking through my office. I was SO embarrassed. He'd never been in my office before or since. But he was very cool about it. I jumped up and saluted him and he wished me a Merry Christmas in my festive red and green attire.

Sunday Snippets

I got up way too early this morning and Church doesn't start for another hour, so I'm blog-stalking. And thinking.

* Am I the only person on earth who is COMPLETELY grossed out by bathing children in the kitchen sink? The thought of a dirty bum in the place where I'm going to be washing my dishes later is just really appalling to me. But everyone seems to do it. Rest assured that my grandkids will never be bathed in my kitchen sink. Just me, I guess.

* Where do the people on the street corners find the black markers that they make their cardboard signs with? I cannot EVER find a decent Sharpie around here when I need one and you can read their signs from 30 feet away. Go figure.

Happy Sunday:) 13 days til Christmas:)

Day 13~ This Week

What a busy week I've had! I'm working at Wal-Mart in the Garden Center/Seasonal Department, so we're VERY busy this time of year! When I get to work, I basically just start getting freight from the back room and find spots to fit it all onto the sales floor while still making it look pretty.

I'm getting pretty good with the pallet jack, too:) Which is quite an accomplishment for me, since I'm not the greatest driver to begin with!

I did apply for a job out at Dugway Proving Grounds this past week. Since I'm getting so proficient on the pallet jack, I figured I'd try to jump to the forklift next! Plus it pays twice what I make at Wal-Mart and I'd have Fridays-Sundays off:) Haven't heard yet who they selected for the position.

This week I also put the Christmas tree up and got the "24 days" tree done. It's the way we countdown to Christmas, with 24 packages of cellophane wrapped rolos and M&M's on a tree that my BIL Dave made for me. We usually have different amounts of cash wrapped in each package, but cash is not readily available this year, so I bought some little $1 stocking stuffer type things and with each day, there is a number taped to the bottom of the cellophane, corresponding to a wrapped gift. So far, Tyler has received mechanical pencils, a light-up yo-yo, some cookies, and some twisty Christmas straws. Kind of fun. I'm starting a lot of new traditions this year and I think Christmas will be fun even without a lot of money and with all of the changes going on in our lives and in our world now.

Days 10-12

I'm combining a few days here. I've been a terrible blogger the past little while. So, let's say yesterday was Day 10. It was my first day off from my new job at the Payson Wal-Mart in a while, so I stayed in PJ's all day!! It was awesome:) Lime green knit pants and a hot pink nightshirt that says "Mommy is taking a time-out". Great day!

Day 11~ What you Ate Today. So far I've some popcorn left over from last night and a mini snickers. It's 10:00 so I imagine I'll have lunch in a couple hours. Soup and a peanut butter sandwich, I'm thinking.

Day 12~ What's in Your Bag? I've moved everything into this little lunch bag that I take to Wal-Mart, so it contains:

A bottled water
The conference issue of the Ensign
A ziploc bag of frosted mini wheats cereal
A box of Great Value crackers
A can of cheddar cheese spread
My Subway card (the sandwich place, not the public transportation)
Some change
Three dollars
A checkbook
My amazing boxcutter knife issued by Wal-Mart. It has a holster and everything. LOVE my knife:)
My Wal-Mart name badge
An extra pair of socks
Some baby wipes
Three pens
Some notepaper
My Ipod

Day 9 ~ Your Beliefs

We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.

We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's transgression.

We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.

We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.

We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof.

We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth.

We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth.

We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God.

We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.

We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory.

We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.

We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.

http://www.lds.org/

Day 8~ A Moment

Before Ashli and Mack got engaged, she had his car over at college in Ephraim. One snowy night while driving home to Nephi, she went off the road, through a barbed wire fence, taking out two fence posts, and ending up in the middle of a snowy field. I was ahead of her in the van, and when she didn't show up, didn't show up, I went back to see where she was. I called Mack, and when he arrived on the scene, I had "A Moment". He parked across the road, ran over to Ashli and just held her in his arms. He was a 19 year old kid, and he didn't even glance at his car to see what kind of damage had been done. He just held my little girl, and she broke down in tears. I had never seen love like that before and I knew then that I'd lost her. They were married less than a year later.

~ Aunt Joey~

My Aunt JoAnne passed away this morning. I'm still in shock. All day I've been thinking it just can't be true. There are so many conversations that we never had. Things I thought we would sit down and say one day. And now "one day" will never come. Every single memory from my childhood has Joey and her kids in it. We were inseparable. We did everything together from Sunday dinners to Christmas Eve to summer vacations. When I was a little girl, I thought she was elegant. She dressed well, smelled good and knew just how to do Melissa's beautiful hair. When I was a teenager, I borrowed her clothes and her shoes, and when I broke the heel of her favorite black pumps, I thought she was going to kill me. She never did find a pair she liked as well as those. That's one of the conversations we never had. Joey, I'm sorry. For so many things. Thank you. For so many things. I love you. I'm sorry I haven't told you that for many, many years. I always thought I would tell you one day. During one of those conversations we were going to have. One day. Thank you for bringing my cousins into this world and for loving their children the way I know my Mom would have loved mine. Thank you for calling my baby sister last week and for taking her a gift when Lincoln was born. Thank you for making an effort to stay in touch with us even when we were all so busy and wrapped up in our lives that we didn't spend as much time with you as we should have. Thank you for buying us dresses and black patent shoes when we were little. You knew it was important. Thank you. Thank you for sitting us down at Sizzler and telling us we were too young to get married. We got married anyway. But thank you for worrying, for caring. Thank you for taking care of my sister-in-law when she was still with us. You weren't related to Teri, but you treated her like one of the family. Thank you.

And here is Joey with my Grandma at the birthday bash Joey planned to celebrate Grandma's 80th year on this earth. Grandma had lost her 2nd child 10 months prior to the party. And now she's lost her 3rd child. Along with 8 of her 9 brothers and sisters. Her parents. Her husband. Her 17 year old granddaughter. My heart absolutely breaks over and over again today for my dear Grandma. I will never understand why the hardest things happen to the strongest people. It doesn't seem fair that my Grandma has said goodbye to so many loved ones. She amazes me. When I called her this morning, we were both sobbing so hard we couldn't even understand what we were trying to say to each other. She's been through so much. And loved Joey so much. If anyone hurt JoAnne, they were NEVER forgiven by her Mama.

Joey, Grandma and some of the grandkids... There are so many wrapped in this hug, I can't tell who all is there...

Joey was always good to my Dad after Mom died. Her she is with my Dad and my cute little Granny, my Dad's Mom. We lost Granny last year on Thanksgiving Day. I hate November.

My Mom died on November 24, 1987. And now she has her little sister there with her. I'm actually a little bit jealous that Joey gets to see her again.


Because this man loved them enough to give them an eternal family. My Mom was 8 and Joey was 6 when Grandma met Larry Swenson. My biological grandfather, Ray Freston, and Grandma Becca divorced at a time when it was rare and very difficult for single women. But Grandpa came along and raised Becky and Joey as his own. When Ray passed away in 1977, Grandpa took a very pregnant Becky and a very pregnant JoAnne to the judge's chambers and adopted them, even though they were both grown up and married with families of their own. It was just a formality. They were his girls all along. And now he has them both, back with him where they always belonged. Grandpa left this earth on September 14, 1998, at 86 years of age.

Along with the boy they called their baby brother even though he was 6 1/2 feet tall. Marv died of leukemia on October 2, 2005. He didn't talk about his feelings much at all, but at Grandpa's funeral, he said something along the lines that his Dad was probably sitting on a porch swing with Becky. I like to think there are a few of them on that swing now.

And the only thing that has made me smile at all today is the thought of the reunion JoAnne had with her baby girl, Anna. Marianna died in a car accident when she was 17 years old~on April 19, 1999~and Joey was never the same. She talked about Anna all the time, and visited her grave often. And now the two of them will flit off to California to check on Maksi and the Sinkliers, walk along the beach and listen to Bono. For Joey, I am happy. I am certain she was welcomed by a crowd of people who have been waiting a long time to see her. For Zeke, John and all of the others who loved her so very much, I am sad. Thank you for what you brought to my life, Joey. I'll tell you. One day.

Day 6-7

I decided to combine these days.. the topic for Day 6 is "Your Husband/Boyfriend" and Day 7 is "Your Definition on Love"

After 21 1/2 years of marriage, and 42 years of love, I think I've come to realize that love really is completely unconditional. Love means giving without wishing for anything in return. I haven't mastered this yet. I need to give more unconditional love, be completely selfless and be unafraid to love, without keeping score.

Love is Ashli's little dog jumping up and attacking her the minute she walks in the door, simply because she is happy to see Ashli. Love is Ashli holding the puppy on her lap all the way home from Grantsville after she threw up all over Ashli's car and clothes after a few too many treats.

I don't think love ever ends or it wasn't love in the first place. If love is returned, that is just a beautiful bonus, but not a condition for loving in the first place.

I'm working on it. So if I shower you with love over the next few weeks as I strive to be more loving, humor me. I'm not expecting anything in return:)

Day 5 ~ Your Best Friend

Day 4 ~ Tawni aka Puggy

Not really sure why Paul started calling Tawni "Pug", but that's her.. Pug, Puggy, Puglet.

Love my baby sister. She and Mark tried for so long to have their first baby and we were all so worried that she wouldn't be able to have kids. Now she has her hands full with her three little boys and she's a great Mom:) Tawni is a gentle soul and a sweet, loving girl. She was born on Paul's birthday and they've always had a special bond. So glad Mom and Dad decided to have just one more baby!