The Clothesline Project

So my daughter, Ashli, works at a residential treatment center for young men ages 12-18. It has profoundly changed her life, and consequently, mine. She has learned communication and coping skills that have made the past year not only bearable, but ultimately beautiful for me. Tonight she asked me to go with her to see the display of "The Clothesline Project" at UVU in Orem. I would be missing a math quiz at college, but hearing her describe the display, I knew it would be well worth it.

And it was.

Victims of violence, emotional and sexual abuse write or paint on t-shirts, saying whatever it is they want to say. Some of the shirts are pretty raw and painful to read. Some of them I actually couldn't read. The organizers don't censor the shirts at all, and you don't exactly leave the event with a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Someone had made a shirt for Lori Hacking, with a tiny little onesie attached to the larger t-shirt. That one was pretty powerful.

I didn't start to cry until "Rockit", the secretary of the Central Utah chapter of BACA, started speaking at the podium. She described a time when her BACA chapter was in court with a 5 year old girl. She was afraid to walk down the hall to the bathroom because her father was seated in the hallway. So the bikers formed a circle around her and escorted her down the hall. I cried when I heard that. Every child needs a circle around them. Every child needs to feel safe. Far, far too many are not safe, not loved, not protected. It is impossible for me to articulate everything I felt as I looked at the hundreds of t-shirts on display. I only know that I was there for a reason. The things that have occurred in my life have occurred for a reason and I can't stop thinking about this tonight. Everyone we meet is fighting some kind of battle.

I must find a way to make a difference for someone in some small way every day.

SO many people have made a difference for me this past year.

Ashli and Mack insisted that I move in with them exactly a year ago this week.

Instead of me sitting alone in my apartment crying every single night.

They brought me back to life.

It wasn't easy for them. To have mom living there. Crying every single night. But they did it anyway.

Tami listened to me cry any time I needed to. No matter what time of the day or night. Jeanie sent me flowers on a particularly rough day.

Steve and Bob flirted with me and made me feel like a girl again.

Lisa checked up on me via text, facebook message or blog comment to make sure I was doing ok.

Grandma sent me money.

The list goes on and on.

I thought my life was over.

And I had a circle around me making damn sure that it wasn't.

I didn't really have that when I was younger.

I'm glad I have it now.

And I hope I can be in someone's circle when they really need it.

Pre-Easter Bash

Ken bought us a couple of dutch ovens Saturday (Finally! Every season when we dig through our respective boxes of stuff, we find that there's something else we don't have.) Anyway... back to the point. So we planned to make dutch oven chicken on Sunday and invite the kids over. This stuff is super scary for me. I'm afraid someone won't get along and it will be awkward. But I should not worry!! Ken and I both have amazing kids and Sunday with the blended families was awesome:) I finally got to hold Rylee for the first time. Yay:)
Prior to our 1:00 scheduled dutch oven, Ken got called out to Eureka to fix a cable problem. Boo!! It was General Conference, so people really wanted their TVs working. But we had to move the dutch oven to 4:00.

This is how thrilled I am when he gets called out on the weekends. He's only on call every 5th week, but I still hate it:(

Haiden will be having a little sister this summer, so he holds his new little cousin to practice:)

The bright side of Ken getting called to Eureka was that Zack was being the Easter Bunny on his last day at the Payson Wal-Mart. So I went up and got my picture taken with the cute little stinker. He's working for his dad this summer and living in Tooele with Tami. Then here to Ephraim for school in the fall. Yay!

Yup. This is my favorite picture. Rylee reminds me so much of Ashli when she was a baby. Dang, I love Ashli. She's an amazing person. I know it isn't easy for my kids that Ken has grandkids, but they are very gracious and good about it, and everybody is just really making this work for everybody else. We have an amazing family:)

Rylee Ann

Brace yourself... this is going to be a long one.

Ken's daughter went to the hospital Sunday night to get induced Monday morning, which was her due date. She was on Pitocin all day Monday, and never got beyond a 2, so they decided to do a c-section Tuesday morning at 8:00. The doctor finally got to the hospital at 10:00 and they decided to do it at 4:00 that afternoon. It's a small hospital and apparently the operating room was still in use from a 2:00 exploratory surgery so they pushed the c-section to 6:40 PM, following yet another surgery.. an emergency removal of a "foreign object". We have no idea what the foreign object was. I had to work at 6:00, and we called to have someone cover for me, but noone was available to do it. So I went to work and waited to hear from Ken.

At 6:48, I got the text that she was here!

8 pounds 3 ounces, 19 1/2 inches, tons of hair. Mom and baby doing great. Woohoo!!!!

Isn't she exquisite?? Just perfect.

Reminds me so much of Ashli when she was born.

And that brings me to this....

Our families, Ken and mine both, have been through HELL this past year. I never, ever imagined that anyone other than Ashli, Zack and Tyler would bring grandchildren into my life. And I feel disloyal to them getting excited about the birth of this beautiful baby girl.

But my husband is so proud and I love him so much and I can't help but be so glad that Rylee is a part of our lives. It's so complicated and I hate my ex-husband for putting us all in a position where it has to be difficult. Ken is in the same position. His ex-wife wasn't welcome at the hospital the past few days. And it broke my heart for her, even though I understand why her family feels the way they do. She married the guy she started seeing when she was married to Ken, and her kids are dealing with the breakup of their family in the best way each of them can. Ironically, Ken and I are doing the best of all of us in this whole thing, and we were the ones whose lives were destroyed by our former spouses just a year ago.

Ken is amazing. He has 9 kids now, including mine, and only 3 of them are his actual biological kids. But he loves them all exactly the same. Yesterday when he was leaving his daughter's room for the last time before she went to surgery, he kissed her forehead and I was flooded with emotion. He's been in her life since she was a little girl, and it's been a rocky road sometimes. He loves her so much, and he's such a great Dad to all of the kids. I'm so blessed to have met him and married him and I love being a part of his family, even when I don't know exactly where I fit in sometimes.

Now back to Rylee..

She's so alert, isn't she?

Beautiful baby.

And this is my favorite of all the pictures they took last night. I love the way she looks at her Dad. I would never have imagined he'd be so cute with a girl. He and the boys are all boy and this is a side of him I love.

Ah... here goes the rest of our lives.

Still some curves ahead, but we're finding our normal one step at a time.

:)

I shouldn't have worried. Ken's daughter was so wonderful to me yesterday at the hospital. She was very gracious and sweet, and it was a good day. The baby didn't come and there may be a c-section in the works today:( But I had an amazing dream last night where my Mom, who died in 1987, handed me a baby in a car seat with the car seat cover I had given Ken's daughter yesterday. It gave me hope that all will be well today with the little one and that Mom is close by.

New Grandbaby....

Ken's daughter is having a baby tomorrow. Her third. Her first girl. They're starting her at 8:00 in the morning. And I'm a nervous wreck. He wants me there with him while he's waiting for the baby to come. But I'm not sure she wants me there. I will certainly stay out of the way, not go in her room or anything. But I'm sure her mom will be there. And her mom HATES me! I came into the picture months after she and Ken got divorced. She wanted the divorce. She got remarried before Ken and I got married. But she hates me anyway. She calls me hurtful, insulting names and I am so dreading being in the same room with her. Dreading it to the point of crying and having anxiety and staying home from church today with a massive headache. Ugh. I have no idea where I fit in this family, I don't know my role and I don't want to offend anyone. But I want to be there for Ken. And hang with the boys who are about to get a baby sister.

I had these T-shirts made for them at the mall last night. Aren't they cute? The boys are really, really good to me. Kids are awesome. So I'm excited to see them. Let them play a little Angry Birds on my iPod and stuff. But I'm a nervous wreck. Hope all goes well with the delivery, Mom and baby will be healthy, and Grandpa will have a wonderful experience tomorrow. And that I'll get through it the best I can!!

You Matter to Him

I have one of these. My daughter has one of these. My brothers have lots of these. My Dad has a few of these. My husband has three of these. We're Latter Day Saints and we're not supposed to have any of these.

But we do.

So today my daughter came to church with me. And a returned missionary was the speaker. He was talking about a guy in El Salvador that was covered in tattoos and piercings. And I was worried that my daughter was going to bolt. Run out the door. Until the RM said "....And he was one of the nicest guys you'd ever meet".

THANK YOU Elder Clark! We Christians need to be more like Christ. Accepting and loving to people. Even the people who make different choices than we do. Someone once said "If there's not a faint smell of tobacco in the chapel, then someone isn't doing their job". Yup. Let's all just do the best we can, ok? Be the best people we can be. And accept each other, warts and all.

The relief society lesson was from Elder Uchtdorf. Sorry, Dieter. I know I spelled that incorrectly. Entitled "You Matter to Him".

I can't get it to post on here the way I want it to, but you can copy and paste it and read it. It's a good one. http://www.lds.org/ensign/2011/11/you-matter-to-him?lang=eng

Did I mention that my daughter came to church with me?

Happy Mom here.

The Older Couple

Someone called us an "Older Couple" last night. WTH???? I guess we are. But wow. When did I become an "older" person??? Grrrr....

I Saw a Sage....

Twice in the past few months I have had the absolutely wonderful experience of running into my FAVORITE teacher, Bill Green. Tonight we talked for over an hour, and he shared some insight gained from another of our mutual friends, who said "A mother is only as happy as her saddest child." Truer words were never spoken.

Spoons

I like plastic spoons. I don't mind metal forks, and metal knives are actually essential to a positive eating experience, as the plastic ones are completely useless except for the spreading of extremely soft butter. But the spoons... MUST be plastic. I keep a drawer full of them. I particularly like it when there is a wrapped one in the drawer.
I believe this is probably the best use for metal spoons. Thank you. That is all.

.... To Be Loved....

SO.... I've been kind of an emotional wreck lately.

Lots going on. Both good and bad.

And it ALL came to a head on Thursday.

In Ken's truck.

Someone on the phone said something mean about me.

Really mean.

Hurtful.

And I know in my head that she said it just to hurt me.

She got the reaction she wanted.

But I took it badly.

Took it out on Ken.

It wasn't very pretty.

But he took it like a man.

Held me while I had my three days of insanity.

And stuck with me through a rough time.

Gave me space when I thought I needed it.

Gave me hugs when he KNEW I needed it.

AND..... took me shopping!!!!

I've been hitting the gym pretty hard lately.

Doing the "Couch to 10K" app on my iPod.

Love it:)

So Ken bought me some new shoes.

My old Nikes got me through the first 40 pounds of

my weight loss journey this past year.

Now I have some new shoes to get me through the next phase!!

But in the meantime, he wanted me to feel good about who I am NOW.

So he took me shopping for all of the things girls love.

$350 worth of clothes from the mall. Yes, I KNOW I need to branch out from all black.

But baby steps here, ok?

A new makeup bag. The CUTEST one EVER!!! I wasn't even there when he got that. Chose it himself:) Yay!

My all-time FAVE perfume.

Some from Bath-n-Body, so I don't use the whole bottle of good stuff in a week.

Jenny Phillips CD. Jewelry. Butterfly jewelry box.

Naked Bee lotion. My favorite. Forgot to put it in the picture.

Lunch at Red Robin because he made me promise to go off of my hunger strike.

And here it is. Sometimes I just don't know how to let him love me. We girls get it in our heads that we're not worth loving unless we weigh 100 pounds, are never in a bad mood, cook perfect meals and keep a perfectly clean house. How great would it be if we just sat back and saw ourselves the way they see us? He loves me because I love him. He loves me because I'm smart and funny and I strive to be a good person. He loves me because I am a good Mom and a good wife and we enjoy spending time together. I can't cook. But he can. I don't weigh 100 pounds. But he loves me anyway. I'm not always in a good mood. But he sticks with me through good and bad. Just like he promised to do when he married me. I think, for now, I'm just going to believe the things he tells me. That I'm beautiful and that he loves me for exactly who I am. And maybe I'll even start to believe it.

Too Excited To Sleep

Yeah.. We Leave Tomorrow:)

First stop the Excalibur in Vegas

Then on to The Happiest Place on Earth.

Yay!!!

Melt Down

Not sure why I chose this picture

Of all the pictures of us.

I just love how happy Ken looks here.

It was just a day.

A Saturday.

He came up to Payson to see me at work.

And Santa Thane was there.

So we got our picture taken.

Just a day.

And I think I realize now that this is what I love the most

About Ken.

Just the days.

The days when he just hangs out with me

Because I'm me

And there's noone he'd rather be with.

I had a meltdown this morning.

I miss my kids.

They love their Dad's girlfriend.

That's hard for me.

I'M their Mom, dammit!!!!

I try to understand.

And in my head,

I DO understand.

But in my heart....

ah, my heart.

Ken fixes it.

Holds me when I cry.

Tells me I'm a good Mom.

That they love me.

And time will help.

I'd be lost without him.

Please, God, never let me forget

How blessed I am

To have found this amazing man.

Never let me take him for granted.

Strength

My beautiful little daughter is having a miscarriage.

My heart is breaking.

It's been a few days now.

They didn't do a D&C

So she's just going through it.

Labor pains, cramping, bleeding

With no reward of a baby at the end.

And she has SUCH a good attitude.

I can't believe how strong she is.

Wow.

I am humbled by what great people my children are.

In spite of the hell their parents have put them through.

I am so blessed.

More than I deserve.

Big Changes....

Big Changes at Casa Carlson....

I retired my Blackberry and went back to my trusty old LG phone.

I love this phone.

It's easy to navigate and simple to use.

And it only costs $10 a month.

No big fancy data package.

I get free internet at home~

A perk of living with the cable guy.

So why do I need a data package on my phone? Hmmm..

I am smarter than my smart phone.

Yay me!

And.... when I started using the old phone today

I found all my old texts that I saved from when Ken and I first met

And started dating.

Awe...

Nice to have those back again.

Second big change...

I gave my notice today at Wal-Mart.

Really tough decision.

It's been a great job.

But it's a two-hour commute for me.

For very little money.

I loved it.

I loved seeing Zack every day.

But it was costing more in gas money than it was worth.

And I was gone from home 12 hours a day.

So I'll be working full time at Maverik here in Ephraim.

A couple blocks from home.

Yay!

Still making very little money.

But no commute.

And it's a lot of fun.

Seeing the college kids.

Catching the scoop on the outrageous number of crimes

Occuring in our little county lately.

Wow.

I love working there:)

And the new semester starts Monday.

I procrastinated my math classes.

So I still have two more semesters to my

Associates Degree

and then on to my Bachelors

I love school.

Life is good:)

Best Christmas Gift EVER!!!

Yes, it's true.

I'm going to be a GRANDMA:)

Ashli and Mack wrapped this card up in a box, and it was

the last gift we opened on Christmas night.

BEST Christmas gift EVER!!!!

He TOTALLY gets it:)

SO.... I collect bears.

I put them under the Christmas tree every year.

I wasn't going to do it this year.

Most of them were won by my former spouse at Lagoon, the Stampede

or whatever.

I threw some away when I moved out last year.

Put the rest in storage

And planned to throw them away...

eventually.

When I was ready.

And then my NEW spouse (I love you, baby!)

and I decided to decorate for Christmas this past week.

Went to the storage unit

And mice had gotten into one box of my bears:(

Didn't think I'd be as sad as I was.

We threw them away.

Then that very night,

Ken got me these!!!

Yay:) Starting all over again

With bears that look just us on our wedding day!!!

My colors were red, white and black

And these bears are a perfect way

To start our first Christmas together.

Isn't he great?

I love him.

Yup... I'm a Married Woman:)

There are really no words.

I love this man.

He makes the bad days good and the good days better.

He makes me want to live again.

Our wedding was beautiful.

I have so much more to say.

But we're SO busy!

When life slows down a little,

I'll tell you all about my new life

..as Mrs Ken Carlson:)

The Wedding Bands

Yes I have become a lazy blogger.
SO BUSY!!!
School.
Work.

Tanning Bed.

Zumba.

Wedding Plans.

:)

No time to blog.
But I noticed my last post was about Ken's terribly un-romantic proposal.
So I have to post about picking up the wedding bands.
He won't let me put a picture up yet.

Til after the wedding.

But our wedding bands are...
GORGEOUS!!!
We picked them up on a Tuesday.

Yay for Tuesdays!

I had looked at bands the previous weekend with Zack.

Just stopped in to Zales to check them out.

And there was one band that was like TWICE as expensive as the others.

So I didn't even try it on.

But it was my favorite one.

Of course.

Yup.. on that Tuesday..

I didn't even ask to look at THAT band.

I found one I liked.

Then he saw THAT one.

Asked the saleslady to take it out.

I tried it on.

With my diamond.

It was perfect.

He bought it for me:)

I love it.

I love him.
I love my life.
Even on Tuesdays:)

We shared a Hawaiian Heart Throb smoothie at Red Robin to celebrate after we picked up our bands.
And now we're just 12 days away!!!!

Ok... here it is.. the Proposal

It was the second least romantic proposal I've ever had...

But I love him anyway:)

We were watching Grease 2 .

On cable.

Sitting on his couch.

He was in jeans and the top to his garments.
Sexy, right?

LOL.

He walked into the other room and came back with a bag from Zales.

Said "I bought you a present today"

And handed me the bag.

Yup..

That was it...

I opened the bag, expecting like a necklace or something.

Diamond ring.

I mean, we had talked about it extensively.
I knew it was coming.
Even talked dates and locales.
But I still thought he might be a little bit creative about it.

Tonight he asked me for a do-over.

But I was a bit PMS'ey earlier in the day.
And I'm afraid if I hand the ring back to him

I'll never see it again.

That the PMS was enough to change his mind.

So the original proposal stands.
Still talking dates and locales.

Still telling all of the 9 kids and 9 grandkids we have between us.

Thinking about 11/11/11.

So he'd never forget our anniversary.

But it's still up in the air.

Double Rainbow

There was a beautiful double rainbow outside last night.

I was downstairs getting ready to go to the gym.

Ashli took this picture and texted it to me.

Awe:)

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things....

1. Sharing the iPod headphones on motorcycle rides.

2. Kisses on my forehead.

3. Roses for no reason:)

Derby/Football

Derby in Sanpete.

Huge.

Lottery to get tickets.

It's Friday night.

The night of the Juab-Grantsville football game.

All my brothers and sisters will be there.

He will be there too.

He gave away his Derby ticket.

Wow:)

This is a pretty big deal.....

:)

Just a little photo to prove that he's real:)

Had a great weekend.

He made pasta salad.

All by himself.

Cut the vegetables and everything:)

Awe....

:(

Tyler is playing football in Cedar City tonight

And I'm not there..

We worked too late to make the drive

And I have to work at 6 in the morning

But I didn't realize I would be this bummed

About missing the first game of his Senior year:(

Awe:) He watched a chick flick with me and Ashli tonight while Mack was at work.

"Something Borrowed"

He hated it.

But stuck it out til the better end

And then we watched LA Ink.

He taped the 11:00 episode so we can watch it tomorrow.

How convenient to have the cable guy here to record shows for us.

Yeah.. he's the cable guy.

I met him when he came to install our cable when I moved in with Ashli after I got divorced.

Weird huh?

I like him.

Olive Garden?

ME: "My son wiped out that power pole in his truck. "

HIM: "That was your son? I had to climb up and replace the cables on the new pole when it happened."

ME: "Oh, wow. How much did I pay you for that?"

HIM: "Enough for me to take you to the Olive Garden on Saturday."

Awe:) Cutest way I've EVER been asked on a date.

He's awesome.

Keeping details to a minimum for now.

See how it plays out.

But the motorcycle ride over the Nebo Loop was beautiful:)

The light at the end of the tunnel may in fact NOT be an oncoming train after all!

My daughter....

I started therapy yesterday.

I cried when I talked about Ashli.

I told him I feel like the roles are reversed right now.

Like she's mothering me instead of me being her Mom.

I said "She shouldn't have to do this"

He said the most beautiful words I've ever heard....

"She doesn't HAVE to"

Enough

I have devoted ENOUGH of my time, energy and emotions to the homewrecker. If she wants to add his last name to the four she's already had, so be it. I have to move on. I have to picture something else every time I close my eyes.

Incidentally, why do we women continue to love the man himself but hate the woman? This is so sick and wrong. He's the one I should be hating. Damn, I wish I could.

And.. you will all be delighted to know that I will be starting therapy on Thursday. Finally. I have needed this for the past year, but thought I couldn't afford it. Ashli pulled some strings, made some calls, and I will meet with the amazing Todd to begin the most important phase of this healing process.

Oh, I Forgot....

I learned something once

A long time ago

And I forgot about it

Until today

When Zack was in the Newborn ICU

I learned that someone else

Always has it worse than I do.

Even though Zack was sick

And we couldn't take him home

He was still alive.

And we were grateful.

And now things kind of suck sometimes.

I don't have a husband.

But I have a lot of amazing people who love me.

I don't have a home.

But I have kids who have welcomed me into their beautiful new home.

And let me have the pink room:)

While I get back on my feet.

And today I remembered the lesson I learned 19 years ago.

My friend lost her only sister today.

They lost their only brother a few years ago.

It breaks my heart.

She has it worse than I do.

So I vow to look on the bright side

And be thankful for the great things in my life:)

It could be a whole lot worse....

Right?

Ugh.....

I'm not all that interested in dating.

But my friend did send me this "Zoosk" invite thing, so I signed up for it.

And Zoosk sent me a message yesterday morning that they found the PERFECT MATCH for me!!! So I clicked on it and discovered that Zoosk found me a man just 40 miles away.

A year older than I am.

A Yankees fan.

3 kids, just like me.

Wow. Perfect.

So I got to read all about

KURT14

from Nephi, Utah. UGH!!!!

Thanks, Zoosk.

I disabled that account.

In real life, I've made a few minor decisions about the kind of guy I'd like to date

IF I ever decide to date again.

This has happened strictly through the process of elimination.

1. He must be unmarried. Not just separated. Not just unhappy in his marriage. Not merely "thinking about becoming single." He must really be single.

2. He must be younger than my father.

3. He must not purposely ingest carcinogens. I lost my Mom to cancer.

So there you go. Short list.