Stronger

I just spent a couple days with my sisters.

Tami said I seem a little bit stronger every time she sees me:)

Tara said I'm beautiful.

And Tawni was doing my nails when I got a text that made my day.

I have hope for the future.

I keep getting stronger.

Seeing my family helps.

Those texts help:)

I'll be OK.

Peace

I try to keep my blog upbeat as much as possible. Focus on the great things happening in my life right now.

Because there ARE a lot of great things happening in my life.

But some days still just suck.

Some days I still feel pretty worthless. If the person who knows me best doesn't love me anymore, how can anyone love me at all? Ever?

So last night was rough. I was feeling pretty low and sad and discouraged about the future.

On those days, I start with a prayer. Then ask God if I can talk to my Mom.

And if I'm still pretty despondent, I call someone. Usually Ashli or Tami.

They talk me through it.

I remember why it's important to keep going.

Why my life isn't over just because of the pain I'm in.

But last night, the prayer and talking to Mom were enough:)

Pretty sure Joey, Marv and Grandpa dropped by, too.

I asked God to direct me to a scripture that would help, and my Bible fell open to Isaiah 66.

"Rejoice ye with Jerusalem, and be glad with her, all ye that love her: rejoice for joy with her, all ye that mourn for her:

For thus saith the Lord, Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river....

As one whom his mother comforteth, so will I comfort you;

and ye shall be comforted in Jerusalem...

And when ye see this, your heart shall rejoice.."

I'm sure there is a plan for me. I'm sure God hasn't forgotten me.

I'm sure there is still something lovable in me.

And today after work, I get to go hang out with the people who love me even though they know every single thing about me, good and bad..

My beautiful sisters:)

Yay! I NEED this.

My Work Buddies

Have I mentioned lately that I LOVE

the people I work with??

We go to lunch together a couple times a week and it's a pretty intimidating

entourage walking out the doors together...

DeeDee, me, Jodi, Marie, Sharon and

...Daniel...

the lone man in the Garden of Eden.

He's a trooper to hang out with all of us old ladies:)

DeeDee prefers Chinese food

But we hit the Hogi Yogi too

When the bigwigs go home at 4:00, I get to work with a whole new group

of friends unloading trucks. They crack me up. I'm usually the token girl in

the group and they didn't quite understand the trauma when I broke a nail

last night unloading a HUGE Coleman cooler. Whoever buys that massive

beer transport device better appreciate it!

Last night, the unloaders all thought it would be pretty funny to introduce

themselves to me as "Mike". Every single one of them said his name was Mike.

They're a blast. Cute kids.

LOVE MY JOB:)

Balance

Day Two

of my new fitness regime.

I live about 1/2 mile from the gym.

The treadmill is boring.

So today I had a plan. Walk to the gym. Do 30 minutes on the elliptical. Walk home. No walking on the treadmill.

I got on the elliptical. Went up a level from yesterday:) I was at 20 minutes. It was going well.

Then people started arriving for Shannon's yoga class.

I've always wanted to try yoga.

It sounded "easier" than the elliptical.

I walked into the class.

Terry and Shannon laughed when I said it sounded easier than the elliptical.

They were right. It wasn't easier.

But it was awesome.

I have a wh0le new set of inspirational quotes just from my first yoga class.

"Find your balance, then lift your gaze."

"Change your thoughts and you can change your world."

"Where your gaze goes, you will go."

So I appreciate the inspirational quotes.

But I still get tremendous inspiration from photos of hot cowboys as well!

Pain is Temporary...Quitting is Forever

So this quote is on the wall at the gym.

"Pain is Temporary, Quitting is Forever."

Yes, I found myself back at the gym today.

APPARENTLY, looking hot in a pair of jeans has not been enough motivation for me to get back over there.

But this morning, Jerry B told me my blood pressure is.....

THROUGH THE ROOF!!

He gently suggested that I get more exercise. Time to get back to the gym. Grrr... I've had high weight, high stress, high risk factors my whole life. But prided myself on not having high blood pressure. Well, now we've thrown in high age, too, and it's time to get it in check, with Mom's cancer history and Dad's history of heart disease. I left Dr T's office, did not pass go, did not collect $200. Went right to the gym. Signed up for a year.

Came home, changed clothes and went back.

Spent 30 minutes on the elliptical followed by 30 minutes on the treadmill.

So... apparently, in spite of my occasional thoughts that "I just want to die" rather than live through my current life challenges, I really DO want to live a long and healthy life. And if I get looking HOT in a pair of jeans in the process.. BONUS:)

A Good Day:)

This was a good day

On my way to work this morning, a cute guy paid for my daily dose of Diet Dr Pepper.

The guy my kids got half of their DNA from.

We just happened to be at the Santaquin Maverik at the same time.

Thanks for the drink, Kurt:)



This cute guy was in Nephi today and would have taken me to lunch if I hadn't been at work. Dang... I missed out:( Thanks anyway, Mack!

Can't get a puppy, so I bought a HUGE pillow to cuddle up with at night. Isn't it cute?

And.. good news. My old boss lost his ridiculous appeal with the unemployment office, so I'm not stuck with an $8,319.00 penalty after all. Yay!!!!!

I scored 48/50 on my Anthropology field assignment. Yay!!!!

It's Spring Break so I don't have school tonight, and I think I'll do a couple of things from the Happy Book we made last week:) Life is good....

My To-Do List

I had a list of stuff to do today.

Go to work.

I got certified in the operation of the Walkie Stacker today. SO FUN! I LOVE my job:)

Next on the "To Do" list. Laundry. Ugh. Got it done though:)

Went to the library. Carin was there. She recommended some books by Debbie Macomber.

Debbie recommended some books by Josi Kilpack. We'll see if I like them:) Always looking for new authors.

Had to go talk to my insurance agent. He's a good man. A good friend. But I still hate paying insurance premiums.

Ugh. The last thing on my list today wasn't a whole lot of fun. Had to sign some papers. But my fun friend Lisa was in the building and she made me smile.

And my awesome niece Brooklyn just happened to text me as I pulled into the parking lot

"Hey I was wondering.. how are you doing?"

She'd have no way of knowing where I was at that very moment, but she trusted the instinct that I could use a text from someone I love RIGHT then!! Grateful to my Heavenly Father for whispering in her ear, and grateful that she's the kind of person who is worthy to hear and respond to the promptings. This was not an easy day but I am SO BLESSED to be surrounded by amazing family and friends.

You Make Me Smile

A friend sent me this ringtone last night.

Could not have been more perfect.

Just what I needed to hear.

It made me smile.

Thank you my friend.

*___________*

Happy Night:)

Ashli planned a fun Family Night for me and the boys tonight. The theme was all about "Happiness"

We had pizza with pepperoni which started out in a smiley-face shape, but we ended up covering the whole crust with pepperoni anyway. Kool-Aid Jammers, just for the smile... And sugar cookies with smiley-faces made from Runts bananas and hearts...

She gave a lesson about making happy moments one at a time

And had us all make a "happy list" of things that make us happy, from the smallest thing to the biggest dream vacation

She made a book for us to put our lists in

And we all decorated our page with our names

Our lists are in the book where we can all read them

And if one of us is having a bad day, the rest of us can look at his/her list and find something we can do to bring a happy moment to the day. It was a great evening. I continue to be amazed at the maturity and depth of character my kids have. I am SO blessed that God trusted me to be their Mom.

Ugh...

Minor setback yesterday.

Back on the horse I guess.

Filed the papers.

It sucked.

Hurting.

A lot.

People~

So many good people in this world. And most of them end up in a Wal-Mart checkout line at one time or another.

*

The Dad with lots of children. Black children. White children. All ages. All calling him "Dad" even though he's old enough to be called "Grandpa".

*

The marathon runner and his Eagle Scout son. Already felt a connection to his wife the first time I met her last week. Don't know their names. Love them anyway.

*

The girls who snuck up behind me. Just to say hi and see how I'm doing.

*

The returned missionary whose claim to fame is attending an Amish buffet in Intercourse, Pennsylvania. (Intercourse is adjacent to Paradise, btw)

*

Tyler's friends. Love them. All so different from each other. Good kids.

*

The Dad who dug four dollars' worth of quarters out of his pocket to buy a package of socks for his little girl. When he left the house, she was in her bedroom crying and trying to sew up a hole in her socks so she'd have some to wear to school.

*

The woman who walked over and swiped her own credit card when her neighbor's card was declined.

*

The guy from Switzerland.

*

The girl from Paris.

*

I am truly blessed to have the opportunity to meet amazing people every single day. They all make me want to be a better person.

The Master's Hand

I'm super tired, but I had to blog about my awesome day before I go to sleep.

I had to critique some fine art for one of my college classes, so I went to the

Carl Bloch exhibit "The Master's Hand" at BYU this morning.

*

No, wait, first I went clear to Lindon to get a new windshield. We got a rock chip in 2007 and never fixed it, so it finally turned into a spidery web of cracks. But I guess that's beside the point.

The exhibit of Carl Bloch's work was breathtaking. Many of his works are altar pieces, designed to be the focal point at the front of Christian chapels in Denmark and Sweden. And they are massive. Huge oil paintings on canvas and absolutely unbelievable. "The Doubting Thomas" is the first piece you see when you walk into the exhibit. The room was completely silent, and there was a sense of reverence throughout the exhibit hall as I walked through each room.

I can't really articulate how this painting " Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane" made me feel, but I couldn't stop crying when I saw it. I feel like God has kind of asked me to go through a lot lately. But nothing like what Jesus Christ went through. And He has sent me angels the same way He sent them to Jesus in Gethsemane. Jesus was vulnerable, in need of comfort, just like I am sometimes. But what He had to go through was so much more difficult than anything I have to face. This painting touched me in a way that I just can't explain adequately.

I was all alone at the exhibit and spent about two hours looking at Bloch's paintings and the poignant photography of Dorothea Lange. It was just the kind of day I love. Nobody rushing me to move on to something more exciting. I was so glad I went by myself and took the time to enjoy it all.

I had quiche for the first time ever, and I took like 45 minutes to enjoy my nice, peaceful lunch.

They asked me to stay an extra hour at work tonight, and this woman came to my checkout line. Amy the Savvy Shopper brought every ad from every newspaper in the state, coupons to match her price-matched ads, and double coupons from K-Mart. She knows what she is doing. It took me an hour, but she got a cart full of groceries, name-brand groceries, not Great Value, for $18.00. Amazing. Guess I'll be going to one of her classes in the near future.

All in all, a great day. It was great to realize that I like hanging out with me. We had a great time: me, myself and I, and I think we can get used to this. Life is pretty good, I'd say:)

GREATEST.KIDS.EVER

So I was even more of an emotional wreck on Valentines Day than I thought I would be.

Kneeling down by my bed, crying, praying, feeling sorry for myself that morning...

right at THAT moment, Zack and Tyler showed up, each of them carrying roses for their Mama. The timing couldn't have been better.

At work that evening, Zack showed up, bearing a gorgeous flower arrangement from Ashli and Mack. So the day was OK. Tawni and my Dad sent me texts, a couple of my friends checked in on me, and I survived the lovers' holiday. And now I'm in the home stretch. No more emotional holidays in the near future. Yay!!!!

I Love You Because......

So this is sure to be an interesting Valentine's Day for me. My first one as a single girl since I was about 16 years old. So instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I decided to focus on some of the people who I really love and have made this past year awesome for me in so many ways.

I LOVE YOU BECAUSE.....

Ashli ~ You've put your own hurts, worries and fears on the back burner to be there for me. You're my friend, my daughter, my therapist, and we have lots of fun days ahead!
Zack~You make me laugh. We like the same things. You have great goals and plans for your future. You're a good man.
Tyler~You said "no" to your friends probably more than times than I even know about, so I wouldn't be sitting home alone. Thank you, Ty!
Tami~ We can go days or weeks without talking, and the minute I need something, I know I can call you and you'll drop everything to listen to me, call one of the kids to come over and make sure I'm OK, take me to a gymnastics meet, come see me. The list goes on and on....
Tara~I know you'll tell me the truth when I call. I need that. Thank you!
Tawni~You have this patient, gentle soul. Anyone who can take care of kids and puppies the way you do has a special place in heaven!
Paul~ You introduced me to my ancestors and gave me a whole new appreciation of who I am and where I came from.
Hig~ You let me take a picture at Aunt Joey's wake without flipping me the bird.
Ted~You sent me a message one day last Fall that meant more to me than anything you've ever said to me before. I printed it and I'm keeping it FOREVER!
Dad~ You get mad at the people who hurt me, just as I think Mom would do. You give me beautiful gifts from the heart, and never forget a birthday or holiday, complete with a rubber stamped card.
Joey~You gave my baby brother a beautiful family and shower me with love and support.
Jeanie~You send me beautiful flowers, beautiful cards, Emails, messages, and I can feel of your love even when I go years without seeing you.
Bob~Well... you gave me $60 to help pay my rent the FIRST time I went to college, you give me encouragement and a positive outlook on life the SECOND time I'm in college.
Brett, Andrea and Elton~You never gave up on me. You climbed the wall I built around myself in the past two years of absolute hell that I've lived through and I knew through it all that you guys were there for me. You were persistent and loving, and continue to reach out to me all the time. Thank you!
Dianna, Steph, Alesha and Dixie~Well. This is the one that's making me cry. I love you because you're still my family. Thank you. I was so afraid I'd lose all of you, and so glad that I didn't. I love you all.
Franki, Urs and Amy~For the fun we're going to have in the future! Thanks for offering love and support, through Ashli, facebook or texts.
Brian~You check on me nearly every day, even though I put up a wall sometimes.
The Justins, the Steves, Richard~ The late night chats when I can't sleep have kept me sane and made me laugh over and over again. Saved my life. Truly. Love you guys.
Michelle and Annie~ Thank you for coming to see me, in spite of the pillows on the floor and my goofy pajamas. Thank you for checking on me and making me smile!
Lisa K~YOU.ARE.AWESOME! The care package, the love, the messages, the card, it goes on and on. So grateful that I continue to learn lessons from a liberal:)
Jeremy and Sindy~ You pop by and check in and it means a lot to me. Thank you!!
Kathy, Trisha and Rachelle~You've welcomed me with open arms into a club I never wanted to join. You get it. You're awesome. Thank you!
Linda L~You've given me back my confidence and my hope that I can do it. Reminded me that I really do have something to give the world.
Lisa Jane~ You let me walk on the dance floor in street shoes 16 years ago when I didn't know any better. You love my babies as if they're your own. You see the good in everyone.
Meggan~You thought of me when you needed someone for a very special project, and it meant the world to me. I cherish you.
Michelle, Natalie, Pat, Valerie, Robert~You send me hearts and hugs:)
Missy & Mikkell~ I've known you longer than anyone else in Nephi, and I love you more all the time. Thanks for your friendship through job changes, baptisms, weddings and divorces, babies and dogs. Love you!
Yolanda~It was so important to me that I get to know you, and you are an even more amazing person than I imagined you would be. Thank you for the inspiring things you say on facebook and the sweet comments you make on my blog and my facebook. I'm SO glad I've gotten to know you the past few months.
Tristen, Elizabeth, Melissa~ You are my favorite cousin. You know which one you are. Yes, it's true. I can't choose. I love you all so much. Thank you for coming back into my life the past few years. I adore you all.
Krista, Jacquie, Liz, Jennie, Marcy, Krystine~You are beautiful bloggers and you inspire me to be a better Mom and a better person.

Improvise and Overcome

SO.... I needed a couple things from Family Dollar this morning..

Some soap...

Arm & Hammer carpet foam.. the kind that you spray on the carpet after you vacuum. Smells good. I got Island Mist.

Sue was working at Family Dollar today. She started a conversation at checkout, just like we in retail are trained to do:) Asked me how my morning was going so far. And I said

"Great. Not looking forward to the snow this afternoon, though."

A benign conversation about the weather. And Sue said "Well, it will come anyway. So Improvise and Overcome, Dear."

OK Wow.... Pretty sure she didn't mean for me to take that phrase so deeply into my soul this morning.

"Improvise and Overcome".

Probably something her Grandma used to tell her Mom, then her Mom told her, and she tells the ladies that shop at Family Dollar. Don't we Improvise and Overcome EVERY SINGLE day? My favorite socks are dirty. So I wear a different pair. Bummer. But life goes on.

And then there are the big things!

Tomorrow is Zack's birthday.

When he was born, he went right to Primary Children's Medical Center.

And every day was an exercise in "Improvise and Overcome".

Didn't want to face another discouraging day up there at the hospital. But we did. Every day. With the help of the hospitality cart, some basketball cards from the gift shop, the "pumping" room with the other Moms. And we were grateful every day that our little one lived through the night, when there was usually a new empty bed atleast a couple times a week there in the Newborn ICU.

So, thanks Sue, for your words of wisdom this morning. Happy Monday:)

Monday~

What an absolutely HORRENDOUS Sunday I had!

I should have gone to church, I know.

I got dressed, did my hair.

Didn't go.

Got bad news on many different fronts yesterday.

Stayed home and felt sorry for myself.

But it's OK.

It's Monday.

New week.

New goals.

And I have six more days to psyche myself up for the happy couples

I see at church. And the unhappy ones who I just want to

shake and say "Hey! Wake up. You're here. Together! Be

happy! Appreciate it. Enjoy each other."

This.. or... That

I'm not generally a "fence sitter" kind of person.

I take the elephant

over the jackass any day of the week.

And it's always been the Y

over the U.

But last night, my sister took me to see the Red Rocks gymnastics team.

Wow. Talented girls. Ranked #4. Lost a close one to #2 Stanford.

And I'm a fan.

I'll still take the Y in football. Tradition, Spirit, Honor and all that.

But I guess I'm kind of a fence sitter now over the whole red/blue issue. Weird.

And I really tried to be open-minded about the whole truck thing...

But I'm still a Ford fan.

Happy Saturday!

The 9th Step

So I just heard the story of Liz Seccuro who was raped at a frat party in 1984. 21 years later, as part of the AA 12-Step program, her rapist sent her a letter apologizing for the experience she had as a result of his alcohol addiction. With the return address on the letter, Liz pressed charges and William Beebe was convicted of the rape. Way to go, Liz!

I'm a fan of recovery. I'm a fan of therapy. I'm not a fan of the 9th step. Each crime victim heals in her own way. A letter 20 years after the fact is just re-victimizing the victim. Write the letter as part of your recovery if you need to. If you're going to send it, be prepared for the consequences. As for me, I wouldn't want to receive the letter at all.

And there you go. A strange little blog entry about something that was on my mind today. Happy Thursday otherwise:)

~Girls' Night~

So... Ashli came to stay with me last night.

It was AWESOME!

We watched "Letters to Juliet" and talked about Ashli's upcoming

TRIP TO EUROPE!!!!

Yes, it's true. She is going to Europe in 5 short months!

I WISH I could go with her:(

She straightened my hair for me.

Because I simply have absolutely NO talent in this area.

It's good she could do her own hair at age 5 or it would have been sidekicks and topsy-tails her whole life, since that was the extent of my hair repertoire.

We went to "breakfast" at like 11:00 this morning. Had blueberry/white chocolate pancake poppers. Yummy~ And NO old men in spandex hit on her. Whew!!

Came back, talked, blogged, talked, blogged.... And I will see her AGAIN tomorrow:)

Day 30~ One Last Moment

When I started this "30 Day List" several months ago, I had no idea that my life would be turned upside down in the midst of it all. In October, my husband of nearly 22 years asked me for a divorce. I cried and begged him to stay, so he did. But he wasn't happy. So I moved out after the holidays. I didn't want the house without him in it. I have a cute little apartment. My kids spend a lot of time here, and a lot of time with their Dad. And it's good. I love my ward. I'm in college. I have great friends and even a few who are kind enough to flirt with me and make me feel like a girl again. And I'm OK. Some days are better than others. I cry a little less each week and I'm moving forward into this scary world on my own. With the help of the people who love me. I hope you know who you are. Amazing kids, phenomenal brothers and sisters, a loving Dad and awesome friends. And my husband has been great. Really supportive financially. I know I could call him if I needed anything at all and I think we'll be good friends when this is all said and done. When all of this first started, I felt hopeless. That I was too old to start my life all over again at 42 years old. But then I learned that Michelangelo painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel when he was 71. So I'll be OK. I'm amazed at how many people find themselves single at my age and I look at my Grandma, who found love again in her 70's. Thank you to everyone who believes in my ability to survive this time in my life. For the hugs, the messages, the prayers and the support. I love you all beyond words!!!

Day 29~ Your Aspirations

Oh, I love that these two entries are coming at the end of my 30 day list. I aspire to be a LCSW and work in a residental treatment center of some kind. Ashli and Mack work in a boys home, I have friends who work in a substance abuse center, and I just so want to work in the same type of environment. To make a difference in people's lives. I'm in college now finishing up my degree in social work, so I'm on the path to be what I want to be:)

I aspire to be happy. To look in the mirror and say "I like you!"

I aspire to fall in love again. To be loved again.

I aspire to be OK, even if I'm single for the rest of my life. Financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Day 28~ Something that you Miss

Him playing guitar at night. Yeah, I miss that.

Day 27~ Your Favorite Place

Day 26~ Your Fears

Mice. Cancer. Poverty.

Day 25~ A First

1/11/11 was the first day of the rest of my life. I made some changes. Kept some things the same. Most importantly decided to live by the motto

"Never trade what you want most for what you want at the moment".

Day 24~ Something That Makes you Angry

Hmm... what makes me angry? Well... I have to take this Biological Anthropology class this semester. I read the syllabus and it kinds of makes me angry that there are people who assume that evolution is fact. Yup.. that's it. It makes me angry that people are closed-minded. Not just about evolution. About lots of things. Sometimes I'm pretty set in my ways, too. Closed-minded. I will try to be open-minded. Even in Biological Anthropology class. Aargh.

Day 23~Something That Makes you Cry

Waking up alone.

Day 22~ Something that Makes You Feel Better

*Zack. He makes me feel happy.
*Tyler. He makes me feel safe.
*Ashli. She makes me feel loved.

Day 21~Something that Upsets You

That there are SO many of us in this club.

Day 20~ This Month

This month is new. This year is new. This decade is new. This month I am starting college. For the second time. I have my own room. For the first time. Ever. I hate it. Not the room. Just having it. This month I have been to church every Sunday. Yes, note it is only January 6. There has been only one Sunday this month but I can still brag about it. This month I have read my scriptures every day. I have prayed morning, noon, night, in between, in the car, at the store. I pray so much I think God probably just has a little bluetooth headset for me so he can keep himself free for all the other important tasks he has. But he is listening. I can tell. Because he answers me. Often. This month is different from any other month I've ever had. I'll let you know how it goes.