Love, Loss and the Loco Lady

I'm two semesters away from my Bachelor's Degree in Psychology (Yay me!) and relatively certain that I chose this major in a "Heal thyself" type of thing. Yeah, I'm a little bit crazy. 

I love really deeply and experience loss of love really profoundly. And, no, this isn't a post about my divorce from my first husband. 

My BFF when I was 5 years old was a 6 year old down the street. We did everything together. She was my idol. So the last day of summer we were so excited to go to school the next day. It was a day like every other day of that great summer. But the VERY next day when I got to kindergarten, she joined a bunch of the other 1st Graders in chanting "Kindergarten Baby, born in the gravy" when I walked by. (WTH does "born in the gravy mean, anyway?") 

That was the first time I got my heart broken and started to learn a little bit about loving people who might not be around twenty years from now, twenty days from now, or even twenty minutes from now. 

A bunch of boys broke my heart in the ensuing years, but only one or two them did semi-permanent damage to my heart. 

My Mom's death. That one was worse than kindergarten or the 16-year old cowboy. 

And somehow, in the back of my mind, there's always this little niggling fear that if I love someone TOO much, they will disappear. One way or another. To cooler friends or prettier girls or to heaven.

Well, in spite of my resolve to protect my heart, I love someone a WHOLE bunch right now. Probably more deeply and sincerely than I've ever loved another soul. 

And he's going in for surgery on Thursday. 

I'm terrified that I love him too much and something tragic will happen during his operation. 

I'm going to the temple tomorrow morning to pray for the very best, to put his name and the doctor's  name on the prayer rolls. My hope is that this November isn't like the one in 1987, the one in 1989 or the one in 2009. Yeah, I want this one to be different. 

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Work for my both my husband and my son has been kind of stressful this past week. 

So it was kind of weighing us all down and taking its toll. 

And Tuesday afternoon, I decided that I just really needed a temple trip. 

So Ken and I went here after work. 

We were both super tired and I had a test due before midnight, but we stuck to the plan and went anyway. 

And, as was expected, it was an AMAZING session. Probably the BEST endowment session I've been on in 23 years of temple attendance. 

When you go to the temple after the initial time of doing your own work, you go and do work as proxies for people who have passed away. If you are awesome and have done the research to take names of your own deceased ancestors, you get a name from your family file and represent them. But Ken and I haven't done a lot of that type of work yet, so we get names from the general database of the church, randomly assigned to whomever is doing temple work that night. 

And last night, Ken was representing a deceased gentleman from Pennsylvania whose first given name was.... drum roll, please... TYLER!!!! Woohoo:) 

Mine was a woman from South Dakota named Anna, the name of my cousin who was killed by a drunk driver when she was 17 years old. So, when things like this happen, I like to think that it's not simply coincidence, but the Lord saying "Thank you for being here. I want to acknowledge that I see you, and this is how I will do that." 

As we walked into the chapel, we were overwhelmed to see the sheer numbers of people in there. It was apparently Stake Temple Night for one of the Snow College youth stakes, and I was so impressed to see how many young men were serving in the temple last night. Boys that I see on campus all the time in my work at the Snow College registration desk. Not to mention SO many of our adult friends who we love and admire. Men that Ken has worked with in YSA bishoprics in the past, people from our old ward here in Ephraim, people from our new ward here in Ephraim. Our home teacher, who was also Ashli's absolute FAVORITE professor at Snow. A beautiful couple who recently lost their 7 month old grandson to death way too soon. Their son was my son-in-law's best friend throughout high school, so I was so moved to see Jeff and Michelle there last night, and so emotional when I was able to talk with Michelle for a few minutes. 

The moment that really got to me, though, was when I saw Brother Scott, one of the men who was the most influential in helping Ty make the decision to serve a mission. I got to hear him verbally pray "Please protect our missionaries" and I got so emotional when I heard him pray for Tyler's safety out in the field. 

At the end of our session, I was ready before Ken, so I sat in the celestial room for a few minutes by myself to pray and search for a sense of peace about the job situations, my schooling, my missionary son, Ken's upcoming surgery. I can't put every detail on my blog, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I felt the presence of my Mom as I sat there. It's only happened two other times for me since she died 26 years ago, but it was so powerful last night. 

BEST.EVENING.EVER. 

And.. I got 95% on the test that I finally finished at 10:30 last night. Waiting for an email from Elder Allred today. 

I feel peace and joy, and everything will be just fine for my sweet family.